| The Comments |
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shitt'in me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
_______________________
Quite frankly m'dear, I don't give a damn!
www.herbalmarbella.com
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Excellent Rixxy
Here's some funny insurance claim comments
Incidents with Pedestrians.
- The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him.
- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian.
- The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him.
- The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again.
- I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
- I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact.
Accidents with other vehicles.
- I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle.
- When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car.
- I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
- The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
- I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
- I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries.
- The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing.
- The car in front of me stopped for a yellow light, so I had no choice but to hit him. (She pushed him through the intesection)
Collisions, calamities, and injuries.
- Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
- I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
- I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it.
- As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.
- In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
- I saw two kangaroos having it off in the middle of the road. So I hit them, which caused me to ejaculate through the sunroof.
- I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
- The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end.
- I pulled in to the side of the road because there was smoke coming from under the hood. I realized there was a fire in the engine, so I took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
- The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
Who is to Blame?
- No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert.
- I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight.
- I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
- The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- I was going at about 70 or 80 mph when my girlfriend reached over and grabbed my testicles so I lost control.
- I was on the way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
- On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
- The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.
- Windshield broke. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.
- No witnesses would admit having seen the mishap until after it happened.
- I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way.
- The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal.
- I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- I left for work this morning at 7am as usual when I collided straight into a bus. The bus was 5 miniutes early.
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
- I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk.
- The accident happened because I had one eye on the truck in front, one eye on the pedestrian, and the other on the car behind.
- I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.
Funny insurance jokes.
A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."
That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."
The lawyer thought for a moment, but was puzzled. Finally he asked the engineer, "How do you start a flood?"
An actuary, a lawyer and an accountant are discussing the merits of having a mistress or a wife. The lawyer reckons it is better having a mistress, because the wife can take everything if you should come to a divorce. The accountant reckons it is definitely better having a wife, from a taxation perspective. The actuary reckons it is better having both, because when you are not with the wife, she thinks you are with the mistress, and when you are not with the mistress, the mistress thinks you are with the wife, and that way, you can spend more time at the office.
TRUE news story. NOT a joke. Maybe.
A lawyer in Charlotte, NC purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed a claim with the insurance company.
In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason: that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The lawyer sued....and won! In delivering the ruling the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be "unacceptable fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000.00 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."
But... After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000.00 fine.
This message was last edited by chipmonk on 9/25/2007.
_______________________
CHIPMONK
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A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A
blonde
>came
>in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and
>another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
>
>She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine,
I
>have
>lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know
exactly
>what
>it was, but this piece had always been there.
>
>The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw
what
>the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote
710.
>He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked
"is
>there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right
>there." If you're not sure what a 710 is
><http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg>
_______________________
Find on site accommodation at sierra-golf
www.harmony-property-management.com
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Naughty...............
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the
most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in
the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver
when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that
her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical
condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her
husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be
her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more
shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip
with a cup of coffee and a beautiful custard slice complimentary from the
last shop She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty,she
dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!"
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then chuckled and said, "I'm just pulling your leg,he's dead. What'd you buy?"
_______________________
Maureen & Dennis
Coto Real
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Okay, what's the bet that Philip farted????
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Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.
Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.
Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"
Carolyn agreed and again they made love.
Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only
eight hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.
"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?" His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."
_______________________
FibbyUK
One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:
http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
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An Oirish Story.
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a £10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man!" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and another,
etc.....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. Just out of interest, how moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash and says "£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,'' says the Irishman
"I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
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You are traveling at a constant speed. On your left side is a 'drop off' (The ground is 18-20 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping horse which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a galloping zebra. Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
For the answer click and drag your mouse from star to star.
* Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round *
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The International Council of Manlaws
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her Blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his mates.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No bloke shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another bloke. In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a toilet unless you are on equal footing: i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.
29: We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with his mates, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with his mates smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on
the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty!"
I hope this clears up any confusion,
_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
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> This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that
> I didn't! These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with
> straight answers. (answers at end of quiz....)
>
>
> 1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants
> know the score or the leader until the contest ends.
>
> 2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
>
> 3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for
> several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every
> year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
>
> 4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
>
> 5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside
> the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it
> hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
>
> 6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters " dw" and
> they are all common words. Name two of them.
>
> 7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at
> least half of them?
>
> 8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned,
> processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.
>
> 9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the
> letter "S."
_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
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Do you want us to post the answers???????
_______________________
Maureen & Dennis
Coto Real
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1. No idea
2. ditto
3. rhubarb, asparagus
4.Strawberry
5.it grows in the bottle
6.dwarf & dwell, dwindle
7. full stop,comma,colon,semi-colon,exclamation mark,question mark,hyphen,brackets,quotation marks/inverted commas.
8, lettuce
9. socks,stockings,shoes,sandals,slippers,surgical/support stocking,stilletos,
Sorry teacher, I mean smiley, I answered the ones I knew first and then the modem cut out (ongoing PC prob.) So I went and had dinner and a think then completed.
This message was last edited by sandra on 10/25/2007.This message was last edited by sandra on 10/25/2007.
_______________________
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OOoopps!!!! posted twice
This message was last edited by sandra on 10/25/2007.
_______________________
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An Irish woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex.
Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and a Samsung.
No Siemen was found
_______________________
 ' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker ! 
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I certainly did  .
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