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Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful Brian's roommate, Jennifer, was. Brian's Mom had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Jennifer than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, 'I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.' About a week later, Jennifer came to Brian saying, 'Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?' Brian said, 'Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure. So he sat down and wrote:
___________________________________________________________
Dear Mom,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from the house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Brian
___________________________________________________________
Several days later, Brian received an e-mail back from his mother that read:
_________________________________
Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Jennifer, I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer is sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now Love, Mom
LESSON OF THE DAY - NEVER LIE TO YOUR MOTHER
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VERY IMPORTANT FACTS from your Financial Adviser!!
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Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.
Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.
_______________________
Maureen & Dennis
Coto Real
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POEM - Illegal Immigrants
I cross ocean,
poor and broke,
Take bus,
see employment folk.
Nice man
treat me good in there,
Say I need
go see Welfare.
Welfare say,
"You come no more,
We send cash
right to your door."
Welfare cheques,
they make you wealthy,
Medicaid
it keep you healthy!
By and by,
Got plenty money,
Thanks to you,
TAXPAYER dummy.
Write to friends
in motherland,
Tell them
'come, fast as you can'
They come in turbans
and Ford trucks,
I buy big house
with welfare bucks.
They come here,
we live together,
More welfare cheques,
it gets better!
Fourteen families,
they moving in,
But neighbour'spatience
wearing thin.
Finally, white guy
moves away,
I buy his house,
and then I say,
"Find more aliens
for house to rent."
In my yard
I put a tent.
Send for family
they just trash,
But they, too,
draw welfare cash!
Everything is
very good,
Soon we own
wholeneighbourhood.
We have hobby
it called breeding,
Welfare pay
for baby feeding.
Kids need dentist?
Wife need pills?
We get free!
We got no bills!
TAXPAYER crazy!
He pay all year,
To keep welfare
running here.
We think UK
darn good place!
Too darn good
for white man race.
If they no like us,
they can scram,
Got lots of room
in Pakistan.
SEND THIS TO EVERY
TAXPAYER YOU KNOW
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_______________________
Fred
Overseas Property Company
fred@overseaspropertycompany.com
Real Estate sales - rentals and Lloyds insurance agency.
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I must say that I don't find racism funny.
_______________________
Claire
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The Bacon Tree
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......
'Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.'
'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.'
So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
'Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.'
'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.'
'Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'.
And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.
'Pepe... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.'
'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it?
'Pepe... ees not a bacon tree...
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Eees a Ham Bush.
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Tinto- I laughed out loud at that one.....Thank you...isn't that racist against Mexicans though..?
_______________________
www.taylorlandandpropertygroup.co.uk
still here after all these years!
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A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard.
The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her
lover in the cupboard, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.
The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have a football.'
Man - 'That's nice.'
Boy - 'Want to buy it ?'
Man - 'No, thanks.'
Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
Man - 'OK, how much?'
Boy - '£150'
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the
lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy - 'Dark in here.'
Man - 'Yes, it is.'
Boy - 'I have football boots.'
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
Boy - ' 250'
Man - 'Sold.'
A few days later, the boys' father says to the boy, 'Grab your
boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my ball and boots.'
The father asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'
Boy - '£400'
The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in
the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
The priest says, 'Don't start that again you little shit. You're in my cupboard now.
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P
_______________________
Maureen & Dennis
Coto Real
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Nominated as the world's best short joke of the year.
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.
'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
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A man starts his new job at the London Zoo and is given three tasks.
First is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
As he does this, a huge fish jumps out and bites him.
To show the others who's boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
Realising his employer won't be best pleased; he disposes of the fish by
feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
Moving on to the second job of clearing out the chimp house, he is
attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two
chimps with a spade, killing them both. What can he do?
Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions eat anything. He
hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
He moved on to the last job, which is to collect honey from the South
American bees. As soon as he starts, he is attacked by the bees. He
grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp. By now he knows what to
do and throws them into the lion's cage - because lions eat anything.
Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to another
lion and says 'What's the food like here?' The
lions say 'Absolutely brilliant. Today we had fish and chimps with mushybees.'
_______________________
Maureen & Dennis
Coto Real
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The New Farmhand
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels.'
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'
Bet you did'nt see that coming !
_______________________
Maureen & Dennis
Coto Real
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A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds
to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off
his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head
and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and
goes over and shoots him in the head also.
Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard
from a distant corner..
I think my missus caught a glimpse....'
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Don't talk to my parrot ...
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, ‘I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you.'
'But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!
'I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,
'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'
To which the parrot replied,
'Get him Spike!'
See - Men just don't listen!
_______________________
Stephen
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A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake. He finds
his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for
awhile he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke."
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think
it is only fair - given that you are blind, that you should know five
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall,175 lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister, Do you still wanna tell that
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters:
"No. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.”
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HOW TO CALL THE POLICE
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLD AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE.
George Phillips of Marsh Green, Wigan was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.
George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked 'Is someone in your house?' and he said 'no'. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, 'Okay,' hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
'Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them.' Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George: 'I thought you said that you'd shot them!'
George said, 'I thought you said there was nobody available!'
I LOVE IT -Don't mess with old people!!
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Myhusband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves abig red markon his fuc*ing forehead.
Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond.
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could this be true???
For anyone who didn't see the episode of David Letterman's show where this story was told, read this: (And remember it's a true story...) On a recent weekend in Atlantic City , a woman won a bucketful of quarters at a slot machine.
She took a break from the slots for dinner with her husband in the hotel dining room. But first she wanted to stash the quarters in her room. 'I'll be right back and we'll go to eat' she told her husband and carried the coin-laden bucket to the elevator.
As she was about to walk into the elevator she noticed two men already aboard. Both were black. One of them was very tall and had an intimidating figure .
The woman froze. Her first thought was: 'These two are going to rob me.'
Her next thought was: 'Don't be a bigot, they look like perfectly nice gentlemen.' But racial stereotypes are powerful, and fear immobilized her. Avoiding eye contact, she turned around stiffly and faced the elevator doors as they closed.
A second passed, and then another second, and then another. Her fear increased!
The elevator didn't move. Panic consumed her. 'My God' she thought, I'm trapped and about to be robbed! Her heart plummeted..Perspiration poured from every pore.
Then one of the me n said, 'Hit the floor.' Instinct told her to do what they told her.
The bucket of quarters flew upwards as she threw out her arms and collapsed on the elevator floor.a shower of coins rained down on her. 'Take my money and spare me', she prayed.
More seconds passed.
She heard one of the men say politely, 'Ma'am, if you'll just tell us what floor you're going to, we'll push the button.' The one who said it had a little trouble getting the words out. He was trying mightily to hold in a belly laugh
The woman lifted her head and looked up at the two men. They reached down to help her up. Confused, she struggled to her feet. 'When I told my friend here to hit the floor,' said the average sized one, I meant that he should hit the elevator button for our floor. I didn't mean for you to hit the floor, ma'am.' He spoke genially. He bit his lip. It was obvious he was having a hard time not laughing.
The woman thought: 'My God, what a spectacle I've made of myself.' She was too humiliated to speak. The three of them gathered up the strewn quarters and refilled her bucket. When the elevator arrived at her floor they then insisted on walking her
to her room..She seemed a little unsteady on her feet, and they were afraid she might not make it down the corridor.
At her door they bid her a good evening. < BR>
As she slipped into her room she could hear them roaring with laughter as they walked back to the elevator. The woman brushed herself off. She pulled herself together and went downstairs for dinner with her husband.
The next morning flowers were delivered to her room; a dozen roses. Attached to EACH rose was a crisp one hundred-dollar bill. The card said: 'Thanks for the best laugh we've had in years.'
It was signed: Eddie Murphy & Michael Jordan.
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HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton
_______________________
Stephen
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THE SPEECH THERAPIST
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said “If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?”
The Englishman piped up. “B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham”, he said.
“That’s no use, Trevor” said the speech therapist, “Who’s next ?”
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out “P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley”.
“That’s no better. There’ll be no sex for you, I’m afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy ?”
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out “London”.
“Brilliant, Paddy” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said “-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry”.
_______________________
Stephen
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Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she, & Charles, had retired back to their room. Camilla flopped on the bed & said "Please remove my shoes darling. Ones feet are killing one."
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor... But it would not budge.
"Harder" yelled Camilla. "Harder."
Charles yelled back "I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!"
"Come on, give it all you've got" she cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan, & Camilla exclaimed "There! Oh God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, the Queen turned to Prince Phillip & said "See, I told you she was still a virgin with a face like that!"
Meanwhile, back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out "Oh God, darling, this one's even tighter!"
At which point, Prince Phillip turned & said to the Queen "That's my boy, once a Navy man, always a Navy man!"
_______________________
Stephen
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Dear Friends
As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted to thank you
for all the e-mails you have forwarded to me over the past year.
I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat
shit in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same
reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl
who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But
that will change once I receive the £15,000 that Bill Gates and
Microsoft are sending me for participating in their special email
programs. Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to
split seven million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost
relative of a customer who died intestate.
And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214
angels looking out for me.
I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails
to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch
the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm
filling up.
I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with
a food sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore and Uzbekistan .
I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African
spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it
bites my bum.
I can't even pick up the five quid I found dropped in the car park
because it was probably put there by a crazed axe murderer waiting
under my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next
10 minutes, a large pelican with an acute case of diarrhoea will
shit on your head and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back,
causing you to grow a most unsightly hairy hump.
I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbour's ex-mother-in- law's second husband's cousin's who is a
plumber -
and it was on Good Morning Australia.
Thank you all for making me aware of all these dangers and for making my
life so much simpler and better.
By the way... did you know that a South American scientist has,
after a lengthy study, discovered that people with low IQs who
don't have enough sex, always read their emails while holding the
mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
"Happy Christmas"
_______________________
Stephen
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