| The Comments |
Oh do stop Fibby!
Now I will just HAVE to have Poached egg on toast for lunch!!
My diet will be shot to pieces when added to buttered the toasted teacakes and jam I had for tea yesterday.
Poached eggs.
I can hardly wait!!
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The Buttocks
A married couple was in a terrible accident where the
Man's face was severely burned.
The doctor told the
Husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body
Because he was too skinny.
So the wife offered to donate
Some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
That the doctor felt was suitable would have to come
From her buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the
skin came from, and they
requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After
All, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face.
He looked more handsome than he
ever had before! All his
Friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful
Beauty! One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was
overcome with emotion at her sacrifice.
He said, "Dear,
I just want to thank you for everything you did for me.
How can I possibly repay you?"
"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need
every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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A woman goes to the doctor complaining about a peculiar brown rash she is developing on the inside of her thighs.
The doctor looks at the marks and takes a swap sample of the skin. After a couple of days, he phones her up with good news.
"Your husband...." he says..." Does he wear gold earrings ? "
Quite puzzled, the woman says yes, he's a gypsy and he does indeed wear large gold earrings
" Ahhhh..." says the doctor......." Tell him they're not REAL gold ! "
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As the subject matter has gone splendidly down the pan, heres a contribution of the same ilk!
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A beautiful woman went to the gynaecologist. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While
Doing so he asked her,
'Do you know what I am doing?'
'Yes,' she replied, 'You are checking for abrasions or
Derma tological abnormalities.'
'That's right,' said the doctor. He then began to fondle her Breasts.
'Do you know what I am doing now?'
he asked.
'Yes,' she said, 'You are checking for lumps which might indicate Breast cancer.'
'Correct,' replied the shady doctor. Finally, he mounted his
Patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked,
'Do you know what I am doing now?'
'Yes,' she said, 'You're getting herpes: which is why I came
here i n the first place.'
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Quite frankly m'dear, I don't give a damn!
www.herbalmarbella.com
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he mounted !!!!!  Sounds like she was a horse ! 
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WINDOW REPLACEMENT
"Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive
double-pane energy-efficient kind.
Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them.
He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago,
and that I hadn't paid for them yet.
Hellloooo? Now just because I'm blonde, doesn't mean that I am
automatically stupid. So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking
sales guy had told ME last year,namely, that in just ONE YEAR, these
windows would pay for themselves!
"Helllooooo" ? (I told him.) "It's been a year"!
There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
hung up. He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about
forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate a
blonde again."
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FibbyUK
One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:
http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
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Single or Married
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected 2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orangejuice, a head of lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee and a 250g pack of bacon. As she was unloading her items on the conveyorbelt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated," You must be single."The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status. Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what? you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "beCause you're ugly!"
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During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"
This message was last edited by Candyfloss on 2/11/2008.
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SMART ARSED ANSWER
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane: "Would you like
dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ARSED ANSWER 2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's
store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead."
SMART ARSED ANSWER 3
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for
speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said.
The kid replied, "Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way
without a ticket.
SMART ARSED ANSWER 4
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that
read " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he realised it, the bridge was directly
ahead and he got stuck under it..
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to
the driver,
"Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of
petrol!"
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final
exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses
whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and
sweetly said, "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other
hand."
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 ORDA
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Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. Sentences ( with all the
BLOOPERS ) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.'
The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?'
Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled.
Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"
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Schools in Spain Guide | The Expat Files | Learn Spanish | Earn a living in Spain
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Subject: Fw: A good reason not to drink around your kids.......]
A handful of 7 year old children were asked " what they thought of beer
".
Some interesting responses:
7 year old Tim- " I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer
he
drinks the prettier my mum gets "
7 year old Mellanie - " Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what
we
want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice "
7 year old Grady - "My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny
when
she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn't think
this is
very funny "
7 year old Toby - " My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and
the
more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good
thing "
7 year old Sarah - "My Dad gets pissed on beer. He is funny. He also
wets
his pants sometimes, so he shouldn't have too much "
7 year old Lilly - " My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he
dances. One time he danced right into the pool "
7 year old Ethan - " I don't like beer very much . Every time Dad drinks
it,
he burns the sausages on the barbeque and they taste disgusting "
7 year old Shirley - " I give Dad's beer to the Dog and he goes to sleep"
7 year old Jack - " My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and
picks on
my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go
bury
his bone down the street again, but that doesn't make any sense"
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An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn't blow away in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam.
I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady. "But I need my hands to hold onto my hat."?
"But madam, he said, "you must know that you're derriere is exposed!"??
The woman looked down,then back up at the man and said,
"Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!"
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Blonde girl goes into computer shop. She had bought a new laptop the day before.
She asked the sales guy for s set of curtains to which he told her you dont need curtains for a laptap
Heeeellllooooo (she said) Ive got windows.
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Chris & Sandra
M16-30
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Blondes certainly have more fun !!
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Chrism 16/20
I don't get it. Is it because I'm blonde?
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
"What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
"I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
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This message was last edited by sandra on 4/17/2008.
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