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Lets just get our priorities right....
A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third, everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her mobile phone rang.
It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible. As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband.
Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital.
She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip, didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round-the-clock care. And he will now be your career!' The woman was feeling so guilty, she broke down and sobbed.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Show me what you bought.’
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A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to Live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
Face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had
Someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing
The street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
Another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
Ambulance?"
God replied: "I didn't bloody recognize you."
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Donald Ducks on a dirty weekend, calls reception & asks for condoms. Receptionist says shall I put them on your bill? - don't be tho thupid I'd thuffocate !
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Chrissie
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Catholic Parrots
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . . that phrase. . . in no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a while the female parrots cried out in unison 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was shocked silence. Then one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank, our prayers have been answered!'
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Hi All,
Great thread, thought all of the jokes were funny.
Keep 'em coming!
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Sunrise
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Three men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China. He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Italy . He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from England . He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
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Schools in Spain Guide | The Expat Files | Learn Spanish | Earn a living in Spain
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These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
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Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
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Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... Oh, forget it! Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
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Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
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Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... Oh, forget it! Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
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Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
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Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
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Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
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Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
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Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.
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What did the envelop say to the stamp?
Stick with me and we will go places!!!
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sites.google.com/site/cancercoloninfo
sites.google.com/site/cancerlunginfo
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--- The Black Bra
The other day I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I've been married for 20+years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels & a mask just over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here is how it went:
My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over & found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos & a mask. He saw me & said, "You are
the woman of my dreams. I love you.." We made love all night long.
The mistress:
The other night I met my lover at his office & I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes & a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to tell my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos, & a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door & saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
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Maureen & Dennis
Coto Real
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--- The Black Bra
The other day I had lunch with two of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I've been married for 20+years.
We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels & a mask just over our eyes.
We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.
Here is how it went:
My engaged friend:
The other night my boyfriend came over & found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos & a mask. He saw me & said, "You are
the woman of my dreams. I love you.." We made love all night long.
The mistress:
The other night I met my lover at his office & I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes & a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.
Then I had to tell my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos, & a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door & saw me he said,
"What's for dinner, Batman?"
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Maureen & Dennis
Coto Real
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Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus."
It comes in pink and the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is!!!
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For Alancambs
Ford are actually bringing out the Ford Pubic
It's made up of old Corsairs!!
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Is this the longest thread so far? Wow!
My joke is for snowy Britain. Guess what? There's more snow to come!
What's the difference between snowmen and snow women?
Snowballs!
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Sunrise
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Is this the longest thread so far? Wow!
My joke is for snowy Britain. Guess what? There's more snow to come!
What's the difference between snowmen and snow women?
Snowballs!
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Sunrise
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Never Argue with a Woman
One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.
She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up,
and begins to read her book.
The peace and solitude are magnificent.
Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat..
He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'
'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')
'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.
'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'
'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.
I'll have to take you in and write you up.'
'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.
'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.
'That's true, but you have all the equipment.
For all I know you could start at any moment.'
'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.
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Did you hear the one about the magic tractor ?
It went up the lane and turned into a field !
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LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word „fascinate‟, not „fascinating‟.
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was 'fascinated‟.
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate‟.
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word „fascinate‟, so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her breasts are so big she can only fasten eight.”
The teacher sat down and cried.
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Schools in Spain Guide | The Expat Files | Learn Spanish | Earn a living in Spain
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