JOKES PLEASE .. IN HERE

Musa Kusa rolled up in London today after defecting from Libya complaining that he was feeling ill. The Doctor examined him and advised him to crap in a bucket, then piss on the crap, put a towel over his head and lower his head into the bucket and take 10 deep breaths. Afterwards Kusa says to the doctor " I feel great" thank you, but what was wrong with me? You were just homesick, replied the doctor.

Its just a joke, no politically correct Muppet responses please.

Dakey

 Hi there! :) I would like to share to you this funny joke I found. :)

The Dog's Diary:

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

------------------------------------------

The Cat's Diary:

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Jerks!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.

HAHAHA. :)) I find this funny because I have a pet dog and cat. ^_^

I thought this was so funny...

A computer programmer was walking along the side of a lake when he
came across a funny looking frog. The guy picked up the frog, put it
into his pocket, and went on his way.

A couple of minutes of walking later, the man heard a cry from inside
his pocket, "help, help"! He took out the frog, looked at it, smiled,
and put it back into his pocket.

Again, "help, help me, a wicked witch has turned me into a frog, kiss
me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess". Again the man took the
frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back again.

Moments later, "Help me, help me, a wicked witch has turned me into a
frog, kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful princess. I'll
do anything if you  help me, anything"! The man simply took the frog
out of his pocket, smiled at it, and put it back again!

The little green frog again screamed out "Help, I'm the most beautiful
princess, if you kiss me and help me I'll do anything, marry you,
sleep with you, give you money, ANYTHING." The man took the frog out
of his pocket, smiled and said "I'm a computer programmer; I work too
much so a girlfriend or wife is of no use to me. But, a small talking
green frog is cool."

Justin

One day, a man walks into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says to him: "Sorry, mate. No pets allowed in here."

The man replies: "This is a special dog. Turn on the Vikings game and you will see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game.

The man said: "Watch. Whenever the Vikings score, my dog does flips." The Vikings keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there! said the bartender. "But what happens when the Vikings score a touchdown?"

The guy replied: "I don't know. I've only had him for five years"!!!

people with dsylexia should nvere play scribble....

I walked into a car showroom last night.

I said to the salesman, "My wife would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the window."

He said, "We don't have a Volkswagen Golf in the window."

I said, "You do now."

Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?

Max Factor should make condoms.

Hi

Paddy was telling mick about is first parachute jump, When i got to the door i couldn't jump . The 6'7 man mountain black instructo unzipped his fly and drop out a 14' and says  " if you don't jump you're gonna get this baby  right up your As!!

Mick said did you jump?

Paddy says A bit when it first went in

Ryan Giggs today admitted to suffering from home sickness, saying that even though he's happy in Manchester , he does miss Wales occasionally.

Gooders

- Doctor, doctor, everybody is ignoring me.

-Neeext!

A man walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying in bed reading.

The man says "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a headache".

His wife replies, "I think you'll find that is a sheep."

The man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep."

Radio Two really put a lot of detail into their traffic reports these days. They just said a car had spun on the M25 anti clockwise.

EVER SINCE I WAS A CHILD, I'VE ALWAYS HAD A FEAR OF SOMEONE UNDER MY BED AT NIGHT.
 

husband and wife sat watchin tv. bloke has remote constantly changeing channel from golf to porn, golf to porn, golf to porn. wife sits up and says for god sake will you just leave it on the porn you already know how to play golf.

paddy and murphy working on a building site. when all of a sudden paddy turns around and accidently slices of murphys ear with a saw which falls ova the side on to the floor below. paddy runs down grabs the ear and runs back up handing it to murphy. to which murphy replies that aint my ear. how do u know that murphy. murphy replies mine had a pencil behind it

and another one!!!

Got this today from a friend:

Adult Truths ***

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.

24. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.

Ladies.....Quit Laughing.

Heal the past, live the present, dream the future.

Enjoy life!!!

How do you circumcise an Englishman .......easy kick his mother on the chin

PARAPROSDOKIANS

Here is the definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

Ok, so now enjoy!

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.