JOKES PLEASE .. IN HERE

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02 Apr 2007 2:27 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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> Subject: A man appeared..............
>
> A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
> "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.
> "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered.
> "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
> I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face,
>
> kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.  I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!"
> St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"
> "Oh, about two minutes ago "
>

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03 Apr 2007 11:36 AM by JC1 Star rating in Manchester and La Du.... 963 posts Send private message

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15 sailors captured for straying into Iranian waters.

14 men and 1 woman. It doesn't take a genius to work out who was reading the map, does it!!

( not PC i know)



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 John

 


 

 




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03 Apr 2007 11:40 AM by johnone Star rating in La Reserva de Marbel.... 233 posts Send private message

03 Apr 2007 12:38 PM by JC1 Star rating in Manchester and La Du.... 963 posts Send private message

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Well you know what they say ...'one man's meat etc'...sorry you didn't find it funny...hope you are not offended also.

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 John

 


 

 




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03 Apr 2007 2:47 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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03 Apr 2007 3:28 PM by JC1 Star rating in Manchester and La Du.... 963 posts Send private message

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Janice..i take your point and i am not one to rock boats...but i have read 'jokes' on here which i don't find funny or anyway amusing but i try and keep it light and keep my council. I wouldn't dream of inflicting my views on anyone else.  But I would welcome your views about  Eric's funny joke below about somebody having the 'shit' kicked out of them is 'light' and thus acceptable and a joke about women reading a map is not!!!  Some people find The Office funny...some don't...nobody can guage anybody  else's sense of humour, but from what you say you are not offended , just not amused.  Well i am sorry for that.

And i promise i will keep it lght in future.

 


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 John

 


 

 




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03 Apr 2007 4:19 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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03 Apr 2007 4:50 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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with a membership of nearly 15000 who may or may not read the joke section its fair to say that you will upset someone, and if i do i apologise.

if anyone has a problem with my so called jokes they are welcome to pm me direct and let me know.

lol

eric



This message was last edited by eric on 4/3/2007.

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03 Apr 2007 5:43 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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03 Apr 2007 5:51 PM by JC1 Star rating in Manchester and La Du.... 963 posts Send private message

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Eric...I like all your jokes...

Janice...Thanks for your consisdered response and when i reread my post i didn't mean to "have a go at you' ..it just came out all wrong. I apologise. Your's is an opinion I think I can rely upon as being accurate and reflects my feelings usually of the contents in the threads.

( my wife as a matter of interest thought the same as you about that joke)


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 John

 


 

 




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03 Apr 2007 6:04 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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03 Apr 2007 7:14 PM by Fruit Star rating in Costa Calidia - Murc.... 74 posts Send private message

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Hears one to offend blonds ...or golfers, take you pick...... A man gets on a bus with his pockets full of golf balls. He sits down next to this nice blond woman..who is drawn to the lumps arround his nether region. After a while he says to her..'it's alright  it's only golf balls. Well she continues to look and study and eventualy she says...' tell me does it hurt as much as tennis elbow.......

 


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03 Apr 2007 7:21 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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04 Apr 2007 1:16 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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04 Apr 2007 8:26 AM by johnone Star rating in La Reserva de Marbel.... 233 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by johnone on 4/4/2007.

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04 Apr 2007 5:48 PM by gerryboland Star rating in ek and trampolin hil.... 119 posts Send private message

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Mrs. Bacciagalupe comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. Anthony lives with a female roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, Momma can't help but notice how pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of the relationship between the two, and this made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than meets the eye.

Reading his Mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mama, Maria and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Maria comes to Anthony saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her, just to be sure." So he sends his Mom an email:

"Dear Momma, I'm not saying that you took the sugar bowl from my house, and I'm not saying that you didn't take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Anthony"

Several days later, Anthony receives an email response from his Momma.

"Figlio mio, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now."

 

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04 Apr 2007 8:24 PM by FibbyUK Star rating in UK, Surrey & Playa F.... 2349 posts Send private message

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Heard that before GeryyBoland, but still a good one!

Here's my contribution for today:

A Polish man heard about all the plumbing jobs in London and moved to the UK and married an English girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce  for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
- Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.
No, I mean what foundations do you have for this?
- It made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
- No,  we have carport, and not need grudge.
I mean. What are your relations like?
- All my relations still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
- We have big stereo and  good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
 No, I always up before her.
Why do you want this divorce?
- She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
- I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.  She buy a bottle at  drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.
I can read, and it say: "Polish  Remover"


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FibbyUK

One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:

http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/

 




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04 Apr 2007 9:29 PM by gerryboland Star rating in ek and trampolin hil.... 119 posts Send private message

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spacer
  Actual School Excuse Notes  
spacer
 
These are excuse notes from parents (with their original spelling) collected by schools from all over the country:

1) My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2) Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3) Dear School: Please exscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4) Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.

5) Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6) John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.

7) Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8) Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9) Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.

10) Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11) Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]

12) Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.

13) Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14) Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.

15) I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wears.

16) Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17) Sally won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18) My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19) Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20) Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21) Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

22) Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.


_______________________
regards Gerry



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04 Apr 2007 11:45 PM by Roberto Star rating in Torremolinos. 4551 posts Send private message

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Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can
store and play music inside women's breasts.
 
The iBoob is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always
complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them.

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"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please"

Mark Twain

 

 

 




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05 Apr 2007 2:40 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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