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A rugby league fan is drinking in a Yorkshire bar, when
he gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning
from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for
everybody in the bar, announcing his wife has just given
birth to a typical Yorkshire baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25
pounds, but the rugby fan just shrugs and replies, "That's
about average in Yorkshire ... like I said, my boy's a
typical Yorkshire baby boy. Gonna be a rugby league player."
Congratulations showered him from all around, amid
many exclamations of "WOW!" One woman actually
fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later, he returns to the bar. The bartender
says, "Say, aren't you the father of that typical Yorkshire
baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth?
Everybody's been making bets about how big he'd be in
two weeks. So, how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "Twenty pounds."
The bartender is puzzled, concerned and a little
suspicious. "What happened? He already weighed 25
pounds the day he was born!"
The Yorkshireman takes a slow swig of his Samuel Smith's,
wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender
and proudly says,"Had him circumcised..."
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A note from Harry age 78
I am a retired old fart,
Working people frequently ask me ...
what I do to make my days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day I went into town and went into a shop.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was a cop
writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said,
"Come on, buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi scumbag turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres and a cracked windscreen.
So I called him a sh*t head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
I made snorting noises...then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.
It's important at my age.
_______________________
FibbyUK
One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:
http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/
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This has to be one of the best singles ads ever printed. It is reported to have been listed in the Atlanta Journal.
SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Call (404) 875-6420 and ask for Daisy, I'll be waiting....
Please scroll down
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society...
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And you thought there was no such place, huh????
You will all be so pleased to receive this....... How many times have we been "up there without one!"
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pedyer.............................................lots of squares with red x's !!!!!
_______________________
 ' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker ! 
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Just seen this in another forum. As ours is getting riskier I thought I'd stick it in here.
THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE
The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree??"
"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
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THE BALLOON FAMILY.
THEY ALL WENT TO BED AS NORMAL, AFTER AN HOUR BABY BALLOON CREPT INTO MUMMY AND DADDIES ROOM TO RAM IN BETWEEN THEM, AS HE WAS TRYING DADDY WOKE UP, AND IN A VERY STRICKED VOICE SAID YOU KNOW THE RULES YOU NOW SLEEP IN YOUR OWN BED.
ABOUT AN HOUR LATER WHEN THEY WERE BOTH ASLEEP HE TRIED AGAIN, HE TRIED BUT COULD NOT GET IN, BUT BEING A WISE YOUNG MAN HE THOUGHT I WILL UNTIE DADDYS STRING AND LET SOME AIR OUT, HE STILL COULD NOT GET IN, HE THEN DID THE SAME TO MUMMY, HE THEN SLID INTO THE MIDDLE,BUT THEN DADDY WOKE UP, AND IN A VERRY ANNOYED VOICE STATED YOU HAVE NOT ONLY LET ME DOWN AND LET YOUR MOTHER DOWN BUT MOST OF ALL YOU HAVE LET YOURSELVE DOWN
TOM AND EVE SOUTHAMPTON
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camposol TC&YC
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A MAN WAS GOING TO GET GOLF BALLS ENGRAVED AND PUT THEM IN HIS POCKET. HE GOT ON A BUS AND SAT NEXT TO A LADY. SEEING THE LADY LOOKING AT HIS NETHER REGIONS WITH A PUZZLED EXPRESSION HE SAID TO HER " ITS GOLF BALLS DEAR" TO WHICH SHE REPLIED "OH DEAR, IS THAT AS SORE AS TENNIS ELBOW" ?
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A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic bin bags,
one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags and once in a while a
£20 note flies out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Madam, there are £20 notes falling
out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady...."I'd better go back and see if I can
find some of them. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the policeman. "How did you get all that
money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back garden backs onto the
car park of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans
come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" So, I go and stand
behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his
thingie through the bushes, I grab it and I say: '£20 or off it comes!' "
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Good luck!" By the way, what's in
the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "Not all of them pay."
_______________________
' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
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The Price of Diamonds
A lady walks into a very upscale jewelry shop. She browses around,
spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As
she bends over to look more closely, she inadvertently passes gas.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has
noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person
doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare
materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber
and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the
lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Very
uncomfortably,but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the
time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price
of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just
looking at it, you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
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Maureen & Dennis
Coto Real
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£45,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price, I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .....the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £450,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £400,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It is really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
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Laury
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Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went
into a deep coma.
After being in the coma for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees
that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins; a boy and a girl!
The babies are fine now, but they were poorly at birth and had to be
christened immediately.
Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus no, not mi' brother!
He's a bloody clueless ignoramus!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's my
daughter's name?"
"Denise," says the doctor. The new mother is totally relieved.
"Wow, that's a beautiful name, I guess I was wrong about my brother.
I like Denise."
Then she asks, "What's the boy's name?"
"Denephew
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A life without sunshine is mere existence
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Son asked his mother the following question:
"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and
replies,
"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his
father.
"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"
The father looks at his son in surprise and says,
"Son, all household appliances come in white."
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A life without sunshine is mere existence
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Love the avatar frustrated. Where the heck is Torreblanca? Is it a cross between Torrevieja and |Costa Blanca? 
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Torreblanca : Costa del Sol, just outside Fuengirola - and the way the building is going on it really is a big joke !
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A life without sunshine is mere existence
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Why men don't write advice columns
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbour lady making mad passionate love to her.
I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he tried to make out that he went into the back yard and heard a lady scream, had come to her rescue but found her unconscious. He'd carried the woman back to our house, laid her in bed, and began CPR. When she awoke she immediately began thanking him and kissing him, and he was attempting to break free when I came back. But when I asked him why neither of them had any clothes on, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs. Sheila Brown
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold.
If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
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I've bleeped the most offensive word! x
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"
"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked. "Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them." This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"
"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well." The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We s**g them. Go and try it." Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted. "So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked. "I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't." The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."
"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."
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Elaine & Jock
Nearly at our place in the sun
picasaweb.google.co....
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You bleeped SNOG ??? ( I KNOW it was sh*g!!!!!!!)
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I know.....it was a pretty lame attempt!! 
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Elaine & Jock
Nearly at our place in the sun
picasaweb.google.co....
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