JOKES PLEASE .. IN HERE

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23 Mar 2007 2:48 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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23 Mar 2007 2:51 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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23 Mar 2007 3:39 PM by Mikenmandy Star rating in Dewsbury, Yorkshire .... 232 posts Send private message

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How did you get a picture of Almanzora Country Club ?????? :-)

Mike




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23 Mar 2007 3:56 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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23 Mar 2007 5:32 PM by kelju Star rating in South Yorkshire . 300 posts Send private message

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12 of the finest double entendres

1. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from
Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'

2. New ZealandRugbyCommentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl
Gibson comes inside of him.'

3. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely
horse. I once rode her mother.'

4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't
that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the
Oxfordcrew.'

5. USPGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is
playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his
balls and kisses them ..... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!'

6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team
Live'
said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'

7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have
snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's
that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to
leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so
hard!

8. Steve Ryder covering the USMasters: 'Ballesteros felt much better
today after a 69 yesterday.'

9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said:
'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like
this.'

10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: 'Stephen
Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'

11. Michael Buerk on watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male
astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UKeclipse coverage remarked: They
seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in
his shorts.'

12. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny
Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to
use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'
 
That's my humour ...........................




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23 Mar 2007 5:53 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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23 Mar 2007 10:55 PM by Mikenmandy Star rating in Dewsbury, Yorkshire .... 232 posts Send private message

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Hi Janice

ACC is hilarious, there's a field full of houses and half built shells, but there's no building licence. Builders haven't been on site since Noah was a lad........What was it that tosser from Parador was saying on the TV the other night.........It's the way they tell 'em. I'm seriously thinking of printing one of my own flyers and handing them out at the next Parador roadshow.

Mike




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23 Mar 2007 10:56 PM by Mikenmandy Star rating in Dewsbury, Yorkshire .... 232 posts Send private message

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Oh & P.S. you're a star



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24 Mar 2007 11:35 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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24 Mar 2007 11:47 PM by Roberto Star rating in Torremolinos. 4551 posts Send private message

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He can't, because he's too busy watching the soccer................


_______________________

 

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please"

Mark Twain

 

 

 




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25 Mar 2007 12:37 AM by Smiley Star rating in San Pedro de Alcanta.... 2502 posts Send private message

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Kelju you forgot the batsmans Holding the bowlers Willey

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25 Mar 2007 12:54 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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25 Mar 2007 9:44 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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sorry

This message was last edited by eric on 3/25/2007.

This message was last edited by eric on 3/25/2007.

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26 Mar 2007 8:14 AM by Lauryc Star rating in Was South Devon .. n.... 520 posts Send private message

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From a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court,
word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
________________________________

And the best for last

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


_______________________

Laury




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26 Mar 2007 11:07 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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27 Mar 2007 3:02 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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27 Mar 2007 3:21 PM by denny Star rating. 23 posts Send private message

  Hope you like the joke I did.

THE OSTRICH

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.  The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact

change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."  Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places

it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir.  How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your

pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me

two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always

be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want

for as long as you live!"

That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

 




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27 Mar 2007 11:00 PM by EOS Team Star rating in In Spain of course!. 4015 posts Send private message

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This is hilarious.  Click the link and then click the play button to listen.  I think it's about 10 minutes long but well worth it:

http://www.betterloverseminar.com/desi_wife_catches_husband

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28 Mar 2007 12:20 AM by hudsey Star rating in Hexham, Northumberla.... 120 posts Send private message

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Eric, your lizard storey nearly killed me, my sides are killing!  I laughed loud enough to wake the dead.

 




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28 Mar 2007 6:37 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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ill try again

This message was last edited by eric on 3/28/2007.

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