JOKES PLEASE .. IN HERE

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02 Jul 2007 2:56 PM by johnyh Star rating. 2 posts Send private message

A TEACHER WAS TAECHING A CLASS OF 6 YEAR OLDS AND SHE SAID TODAY I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR SOME FARMYARD SOUNDS. SO LITTLE SARA STICKS HER HAND UP AND SAID IVE GOT ONE MISS SO SHE WENT MOO MOO AND THE TEACHER SAID WHATS THAT SARA AND SHE SAID ITS A COW MISS LITTLE ROBERT STICKS HIS HAND UP AND SAID IVE GOT ONE MISS AND THE TEACHER SAID OK WHATS YOURS SO HE WENT CLUCK CLUCK AND THE TAECHER SAID WHATS THAT ROBERT AND ROBERT SAID A CHICKEN MISS  LITTLE JOHNNY UP THE BACK SHOUTED OUT IVE GOT ONE MISS OH ALRIGHT JOHNNY WHATS YOUR FARMYARD SOUND SO GETS UP ON THE CHAIR AND SHOUTS OUT GET OFF THAT FUCKING TRACTOR





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02 Jul 2007 11:39 PM by morerosado Star rating. 6927 posts Send private message

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A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking."

The cat thought for a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on."

God said, "Say no more." Instantly the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat.

The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs, and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would not have to run again."

God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?"

The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life. The pillow is so fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"


Hey we need a cute clean one every once in a while!



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06 Jul 2007 7:47 PM by johnone Star rating in La Reserva de Marbel.... 233 posts Send private message

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Does this work
e="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/I1dkZZhAd1k">

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06 Jul 2007 8:37 PM by Candyfloss Star rating in Cardiff / Mar Menor. 1605 posts Send private message

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Yes J one,

Brilliant. Were you in the bucket too??

********** airport was shut yesterday for 8 hours due to a "suspicious car". Apparentley it had tax, insurance and the radio still in it!





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06 Jul 2007 8:42 PM by Candyfloss Star rating in Cardiff / Mar Menor. 1605 posts Send private message

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Police have just released the name of the man on fire and arrested at Glasgow airport -

Singe Maheed and the other man has been named as Alaburn Majeep





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06 Jul 2007 8:42 PM by Annie21 Star rating. 368 posts Send private message

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That joke doesn't work without typing 'Liverpool' Gina!!

Apologies to all liverpudlians!!




This message was last edited by Annie21 on 7/6/2007.



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06 Jul 2007 8:49 PM by Candyfloss Star rating in Cardiff / Mar Menor. 1605 posts Send private message

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I know Annie, but I didn't want to start a ruck. I have a lot of scouse friends and they all laughed when I sent them the text today. 





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06 Jul 2007 9:08 PM by kelju Star rating in South Yorkshire . 302 posts Send private message

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If at the time of the Battle of Trafalgar took place we had all of the

rules, laws and regulations that we have now I doubt very much Nelson would

have won the battle as it might have gone something like this:

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of

this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her

duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion

or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities

employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors,

lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free

working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the

mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the

Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it

..................... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this

stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in

history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest

please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and

they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up

there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free

environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even

to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing

the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the

areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the

crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing

in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men

to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged

with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid

lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.

According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this

stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying

that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.

Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy

and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on

corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."





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06 Jul 2007 9:25 PM by Candyfloss Star rating in Cardiff / Mar Menor. 1605 posts Send private message

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Kelju

That was brilliant!





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07 Jul 2007 1:00 PM by morerosado Star rating. 6927 posts Send private message

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At 85 years of age, Wally married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their
wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is
concerned that  her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they
spend the entire night together.
 After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and
the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door
opens and there is Wally, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They
unite as one. All goes well, Wally takes leave of his bride, and she
prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom
door, and it's Wally.  Again he is ready for more "action".   Somewhat
surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling.   When the newlyweds are
done, Wally kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight  and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it, Wally is
back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready
for  more  "action".  And, once again they enjoy each other.  But as
Wally gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so
often.  I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were
only good once.  You are truly a great lover, Wally."
Wally, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean
I was here already?"
The moral of the story: Senior moments have their advantages.


_______________________



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08 Jul 2007 7:55 AM by Lauryc Star rating in Was South Devon .. n.... 520 posts Send private message

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APOLOGIES IN ADVANCE TO ANYONE FROM ESSEX. 

 

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker.
"10" replies the Essex girl.
"10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne."
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out
playing
in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY, or
WAAYNE
GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed
council worker.
"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their surnames."


An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a
garment on
the counter.
"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."


Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."


An Essex girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.
Medic: "It's OK I'm a paramedic and I'm going to ask you some
questions?"
Girl: "OK"
Medic: "What's your name?"
Girl: "Sharon."
Medic: "OK Sharon, is this your car?"
Sharon: "Yes."
Medic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Sharon: "Romford, mate."


An Essex girl was driving down the A13 when her car phone rang. It
was
her boyfriend, urgently warning her, "Treacle, I just heard on the
news
that there's a car going the wrong way on the A13. Please be
careful!"
"It's not just one car!" said the Essex girl, "There's f*cking
hundreds
of them!"


Another Essex girl was involved in a serious crash; there's Blood
everywhere. The paramedics arrive and drag the girl out of the car
till
she's lying flat out on the ground.
Medic: "OK, I'm going to check if you're concussed."
Sharon: "Ok."
Medic: "How many fingers am I putting up?"
Sharon: "Oh my god, I'm paralysed from the waist down!"


An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex Girl
notices
something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She
says,
"Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of
your
wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it?"
The Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
"Well, I'm a little bit tick you see. The one wit the R on it is
for me
right foot and the one wit the L is for me Left foot"
"Cor blimey", exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT¹S why me knickers
'ave
got C&A on them!"



_______________________

Laury




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08 Jul 2007 10:58 AM by morerosado Star rating. 6927 posts Send private message

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Laury, you're terrible    

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09 Jul 2007 9:12 AM by Lauryc Star rating in Was South Devon .. n.... 520 posts Send private message

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AND THERE'S MORE>>>>>>>>>>>>

 

 
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"





---------------------



Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

---------------------



The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.



----------------------------------------------

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to black outs. Have bouts w ith dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.






I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.






An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."






My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.






Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.






It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.






These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."






Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing






--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.






_______________________

Laury




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09 Jul 2007 9:26 AM by johnone Star rating in La Reserva de Marbel.... 233 posts Send private message

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The Director of a well know Agency on the Costa del Sol dies and soon finds himself standing in front of St. Peter. St. Peter tells him "You have a choice of going to heaven or to hell and I suggest you check them both out before deciding." So he chooses to check out hell first.

He goes down to hell and finds himself in the middle of the biggest party he has ever seen. People are dancing and drinking and doing the limbo (and nobody's doing the Macarena!). Everyone is laughing and having a great time.

Next St. Peter takes him up to heaven to look around. Everything is white and pristine. People are speaking softly about philosophy and mathematical formulas. Others are simply contemplative and serene. He's bored in about five minutes.

St. Peter then says to the property manager, "I want you to sleep on it and meet me back here in the morning to let me know your decision." The next morning he comes back and says to St. Peter, "Heaven is very nice and all, but hell looks great, so I've decided that I want to go to hell". So St. Peter puts him on the escalator down to hell.

When he gets there he sees Satan whipping people and there's fire everywhere and everyone is screaming in pain. So he goes over to Satan and says "Hey, what gives here? Yesterday I came here to check the place out and everyone had me partying and it looked like a great time. What happened?"

Satan looks at him and says "You used to be aa Agent so you ought to know the answer to your own question. Yesterday you were a potential buyer, Today you're just another resident



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Dime con quién andas y te diré quién eres.




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09 Jul 2007 10:54 AM by Michael Gallagher Star rating in Ireland. 7 posts Send private message

 

 

>

> > > >After getting all of The Pope's luggage loaded into the limo,

>(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is

>still standing on the curb.

>

>"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take

>your seat so we can leave?"

>"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive

>at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today."

>

>"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!

>And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd

>never gone to work that morning.

>"There might be something extra in it for you, "says the Pope.

>

>Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind

>the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting

>the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.

>"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the

>Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

> > >

>"Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license," moans the driver.

>The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches,

>but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and

>gets on the radio.

>"I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.

> > >

>The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a

>limo going a hundred and five.

>"So bust him," says the Chief.

>

>"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the

>cop.

>The Chief exclaimed," All the more reason!"

>"No, I mean really important," said the cop.

>The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?"

>Cop: "Bigger."

>Chief: "Governor?"

>Cop: "Bigger."

>"Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"

>Cop: "I think it's God!"

>Chief: "What makes you think it's God?"

>Cop: "He's got the Pope as a chauffeur!!"

 




This message was last edited by Michael Gallagher on 7/9/2007.

This message was last edited by Michael Gallagher on 7/9/2007.

_______________________
Michael Gallagher



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09 Jul 2007 11:48 AM by tyrills Star rating in bootle,merseyside/po.... 73 posts Send private message

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THE PENIS POEM.
MY NOOKIE DAYS ARE OVER.
MY PILOT LIGHT IS OUT
WHAT USED TO BE SEX APPEAL IS NOW MY WATER SPOUT
TIME WAS WHEN ON ITS OWN ACCORD FROM MY TROUSERS IT WOULD SPRING
BUT NOW IVE GOT A FULL TIME JOB TO FIND THE F#####G THING
IT USE TO BE EMBARRASING THE WAY IT WOULD BEHAVE
FOR EVERY SINGLE MORNING IT WOULD STAND AND WATCH ME SHAVE
NOW AS OLD AGE APPROACHES IT SURE GIVES ME THE BLUES
TO SEE IT HANG ITS LITTLE  HEAD AND WATCH ME TIE MY SHOES



_______________________
 jeff          &n...



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09 Jul 2007 3:47 PM by Smiley Star rating in San Pedro de Alcanta.... 2502 posts Send private message

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Subject: TOP TEN TIMES IN HISTORY WHEN USING THE "F" WORD WAS
APPROPRIATE

10th - "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC

  9th - "How the @#$% did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC

  8th - "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566

  7th - "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877

  6th - "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926

  5th - "Where the @#$% are we?" - Amelia Erhardt, 1937

  4th - "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938

  3rd - "What the @#$% was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945

  2nd - "I need this parade like I need a @#$%ing hole in the head!" -
JFK,1963


  1st -  "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" - Bill Clinton,
1997



_______________________

Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com  www.marbellamortgages.com   www.comparetravelcash.co.uk




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09 Jul 2007 6:29 PM by Roberto Star rating in Torremolinos. 4552 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by Roberto on 7/11/2007.

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"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please"

Mark Twain

 

 

 




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10 Jul 2007 12:37 PM by tyrills Star rating in bootle,merseyside/po.... 73 posts Send private message

tyrills´s avatar

roberto being 4foot 1 inch myself  i take great offence with your last comment.
how would you like to be made fun of all your life,every time you walk into a room
people would stop and stir at me little sniggers out of the corner of there mouth
and all the different challenges life throws at you not being able to go to the 13 floor
i have to walk the last 6 floors, not being able to tie my sons tie on prom night
 i could go on but ive got to get in my invalid car and go to work



_______________________
 jeff          &n...



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11 Jul 2007 9:50 PM by Roberto Star rating in Torremolinos. 4552 posts Send private message

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Apologies for any offence caused - it was only a joke, but since I'm not entirely sure whether your response was tongue in cheek or not, I've deleted it. I certainly do not wish to upset anybody.

 



_______________________

 

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please"

Mark Twain

 

 

 




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