| The Comments |
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over.
She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know. You can never tell what they base their judgement on .
_______________________
 ' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker ! 
0
Like
|
> A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all
> of his Cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are
> cows, motionless like statues. It had been a bitterly cold
> night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.
>
> The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With
> his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet?
>
> How would he feed his wife and kids?
>
> How would he pay the mortgage?
>
> He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms
> with his impending poverty.
>
> Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?"
> asked the old lady.
>
> The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his
> predicament to the woman.
>
> Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one
> of the cows noses. After a few seconds the cow began to
> twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
>
> One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole
> field was full of healthy animals.
>
> The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted
> as a repayment for her deed.
>
> She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
>
> A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the
> farmer.
>
> "You know who that was don't you?"
>
> asked the passer-by.
>
> "No" said the farmer "who?"
>
>
>
>
> That was Thora Hird."
_______________________
' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
0
Like
|
PRICELESS
Joe had been suffering terrible headaches for over 20 years . Finally he
found a doctor who could cure the problem. He sat down in the doctor's
office and the doctor said, " Joe, the good news is I can cure your
headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a
very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine
and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve
the pressure is to remove the testicles. "
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.
He had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, he was free of his headache for the first time
in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.
As he walked down the street, he realised that he felt like a different
person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, " That's what I need... a new
suit. "
He entered the shop and told the salesman, " I'd like a new suit. "
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, " Let's see... size 44 long. "
Joe laughed, " That's right, how did you know? "
" Been in the business 60 years! " the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, " How about a new shirt? "
Joe thought for a moment and then said, " Sure. "
The salesman eyed Joe and said, " Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck. "
Joe was surprised, " That's right, how did you know? "
" Been in the business 60 years " .
Joe tried on the shirt and it fitted perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked about some new underwear? "
He thought for a moment and said, " Sure. "
The salesman said, " Let's see... size 36. "
Joe laughed, " Ah ha! I got you; I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years
old. The salesman shook his head, " You can't wear a size 34. A size 34
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you
one hell of a headache. "
New suit - £ 400
New shirt - £ 30
New underwear - £ 5
Second Opinion - PRICELESS
_______________________
Laury
0
Like
|
>
>
> *Three little ducks go into a
> Bar..............................*
> "Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the
> first duck.** **
> "Huey," was the reply.** **
> "How's your day been, Huey?"* *
> "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of
> puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said
> Huey.
> "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to
> the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
> "Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.** **
> "So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
> "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and
> out of puddles all day myself. What else could a
> duck want?"
> The bartender turned to the third duck and said,
> "So, you must be Louie?" *
> "No," she said, batting her eyelashes.** **
>
> "My name is Puddles."*
_______________________
' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
0
Like
|
This message was last edited by Karensun on 10/31/2007.
_______________________
' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
0
Like
|
Sorry Karensun , but didnt't get the last two!!!!!!!!!!!!!
_______________________
Maureen & Dennis
Coto Real
0
Like
|
Hi Leema, first one is about the difference in perception of men and women..................the lady has a nice bum but sees harself as having a big bum and the man sees himself as svelte when in reality he is a slob.
The pencil one is a 'blonde' thing indicatinng that for 'blondes' a pencil is their equivelent of microsoft word. ok????
_______________________
' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
0
Like
|
|
Sorry Karen, I looked at it last night when I was full of red wine, must of numbed the brain, did understand it this morning.
_______________________
Maureen & Dennis
Coto Real
0
Like
|
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked right Up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy!
I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law!
I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail!
All kinds of bad things will happen.. Absolutely not!
You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture
of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
_______________________
' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
0
Like
|
The wordpress blog Davicus, has come up with a list of things that, while perfectly normal for the Spanish, take the foreigner some time to come to terms with.
Once the following on this list no longer surprise you, you can consider yourself to have arrived in Spain.
You think it’s perfectly acceptable to add lemonade or coca cola to wine.
You are not surprised that the plumber or electrician has finished his work on time....but simply because he has finished his work.
You have been in a botellón.
You think that not kissing someone you have just met twice is a sign of bad manners.
You are surprised that people start wearing shorts as soon as it’s sunny, instead of waiting until the end of June.
You think you can add olive oil to any dish.
You are surprised when the commercial breaks on television end before half an hour.
You know what a hangover is, and you suffer at least one every weekend.
You know how to eat boquerones.
When you see the head of a bull hanging on the wall of a bar you are not surprised, and think it is part of the decoration.
You eat lunch after 2pm, and never eat dinner before 9pm.
You are not surprised when all the members of a family, be they male or female, are all called the same.
You don’t think that there is anything wrong in drinking a couple of beers in the morning.
You think the floor of a bar is a large rubbish bin, where you can throw your cigarette ends, serviettes and the remains of your prawns.
You understand that applauding is an art, and not a way to express your approval.
You know that ensaladilla rusa has nothing to do with Russia.
You have breakfast on Sunday before going to bed, not when you get up.
_______________________
Quite frankly m'dear, I don't give a damn!
www.herbalmarbella.com
0
Like
|
RULES FOR A HEALTHY LIFE - and THE FLU JAB!!
Eat right!
Make sure you get your daily dose of
fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because
exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day,
go for a swim,
take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often.
If you can't wash them,
keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air.
Open doors & windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress
from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
OR
Take the doctor's approach.
Think about it...
When you go for a shot,
what do they do first
They Clean your arm with alcohol...
Why?
Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS.
So.......
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it...
If you keep your alcohol levels up,
flu germs can't get you!
My mother always said,
A shot in the glass
is better than one in the ass!"
_______________________
' Do unto others as you would be done by'
Now a non-smoker !
0
Like
|
|
|
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The
doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said 'Things are
great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is
pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?'
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began. 'I have
an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses
a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a
hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane,aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went
'bang,bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over
dead. Now, what do you think of that?' asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, 'If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a
couple of rounds into that beaver.'
The doctor replied, 'My point exactly'
0
Like
|
|
Junior School Children Writing About The Sea 
1) This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.(Kelly age 6)
2) Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)
3) If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.( Wayne age 7)
4) Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)
5) A dolphin breathes through an arshole on the top of its head. (Billy 8
6) My uncle goes out in his boat with pots, and comes back with crabs.(Millie age 6)
7) When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating beans.(William age 7)
8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails. How do mermaids get pregnant?(Helen age 6)
9) I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.(Amy age 6)
10) Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)
11) When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my willy small.(Kevin age 6)
12) Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.(Becky age 8
13) On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.(Julie age 7).
Out of the mouth of babes!
_______________________
Quite frankly m'dear, I don't give a damn!
www.herbalmarbella.com
0
Like
|
My problem is the same as number five only the problem is with words not breathing. I also have a full understanding of the 11 situation - 12 doesnt even stand comment and for lucky 13 that is not the only place it goes - well it did for me anyway - then I didnt need the beans!!!!!! This message was last edited by Smiley on 11/9/2007.
_______________________
Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com www.marbellamortgages.com www.comparetravelcash.co.uk
0
Like
|
A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
>>> > > The doctor comes in and says "Ah, I see you've regained
>>> > > consciousness.
>>> > > Now you probably won't remember but you were in a pile-up on the
>>> >motorway.
>>> > > You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something
>>> >happened.
>>> >I'm trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the
>>>wreck
>>> >and
>>> >we were unable to find it."
>>> > > The bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on "But it's going to be
>>> >alright,
>>> >we have the technology now to build you a new one that will work as
>>> >well
>>>as
>>> >your
>>> >old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.
>>>It's
>>> >a
>>> >thousand pounds an inch".
>>> > > The bloke perks up at this, even though it's a thousand pounds an
>>>inch.
>>> > > "So the thing is" the doctor says, " it's for you to decide how many
>>> >inches
>>> >you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I
>>> >mean,
>>> >if you
>>> >had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she
>>>might
>>> >be a
>>> >bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only
>>> >to
>>> >invest
>>> >in a five incher this time she might be disappointed.
>>> > > So it's important that she plays a vital role in helping you make
>>> > > the
>>> >decision."
>>> > > So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back
>>>the
>>> >next
>>> >day. "So" says the doctor "Have you spoken with your wife?".
>>> > > "I have " says the fellow.
>>> > > "And has she helped you in making the decision?".
>>> > > "She has" says the bloke.
>>> > > "And what is it?" asks the doctor.
>>> > > The bloke looks up and says "We're having a new kitchen".
>>> >
>>> >
>>> >
0
Like
|
As the festive season is coming up I thought this might be useful
ALCOHOL TROUBLESHOOTING
|
SYMPTOM
|
FAULT
|
ACTION
|
|
Feet cold and wet.
|
Glass being held at incorrect angle.
|
Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
|
|
Feet warm and wet.
|
Improper bladder control.
|
Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
|
|
Drink unusually pale and tasteless.
|
Glass empty.
|
Get someone to buy you another drink.
|
|
Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
|
You have fallen over backward.
|
Have yourself lashed to bar.
|
|
Mouth contains cigarette butts.
|
You have fallen forward.
|
See above.
|
|
Alcohol tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
|
Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
|
Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
|
|
Floor blurred.
|
You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
|
Get someone to buy you another drink.
|
|
Floor moving.
|
You are being carried out.
|
Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
|
|
Room seems unusually dark.
|
Bar has closed.
|
Confirm home address with bartender.
|
|
Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures.
|
Alcohol consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
|
Cover mouth.
|
|
Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
|
You are dancing on the table.
|
Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
|
|
Drink is crystal-clear.
|
It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
|
Punch him.
|
|
Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
|
You have been in a fight.
|
Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.
|
|
Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
|
You've wandered into the wrong party.
|
See if they have free alcohol.
|
|
Your singing sounds distorted.
|
The drink is too weak.
|
Have more alcohol until your voice improves.
|
|
Don't remember the words to the song.
|
Drink is just right.
|
Play air guitar.
|
----
0
Like
|