>John Cleese's Letter to America
>
>To the citizens of the United States of America
>
>In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA
>and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
>of your independence, effective immediately.
>
>Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
>duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except
>Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.
>
>Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for
>America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate
>will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
>whether any of you noticed.
>
>To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the
>following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
>
>1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then
>look up 'aluminium,' and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed
>at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
>
>2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'
>and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
>without skipping half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced
>by the suffix 'ise.'
>
>3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may
>elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't
>cope with correct pronunciation.
>
>4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
>levels (look up 'vocabulary'). Using the same twenty-seven words
>interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is
>unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
>
>5.There is no such thing as ' US English.' We will let Microsoft know on
>your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account
>of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'
>
>6. You will relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The Queen',
>but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).
>
>7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd will be
>a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It will be
>called 'Come-Uppance Day.'
>
>8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or
>therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
>that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled
>by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing
>someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to
>handle a gun.
>
>9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more
>dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to
>carry a vegetable peeler in public.
>
>10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your
>own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
>
>11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start
>driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go
>metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both
>roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of
>humour.
>
>12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
>calling 'gasoline') - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.
>
>13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries
>are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are
>properly called 'crisps.' Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat,
>and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.
>
>14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
>customers.
>
>15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
>beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
>'beer,' and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
>referred to as 'Lager.' American brands will be referred to as 'Near-Frozen
>Gnat's Urine,' so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
>
>16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good
>guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play
>English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in
>'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin
>to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
>
>17. You will cease playing American 'football.' There is only one kind of
>proper football; you call it 'soccer'. Those of you brave enough will, in
>time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
>American 'football', but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty
>seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
>
>18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host
>an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside
>of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond
>your borders, your error is understandable.
>
>19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
>
>20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
>Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
>due backdated to 1776.
>
>Thank you for your co-operation.
>
>John Cleese