JOKES PLEASE .. IN HERE

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12 Mar 2007 10:21 PM by Roberto Star rating in Torremolinos. 4551 posts Send private message

Roberto´s avatar

Apologies to Maria in advance......

Punter: Is it true that you charge €1,000 to answer three questions?

Lawyer: Yes

Punter: Don't you think that's a bit outrageous?

Lawyer: Yes. And what's your third question?


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"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please"

Mark Twain

 

 

 




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13 Mar 2007 1:30 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

eric´s avatar


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13 Mar 2007 4:04 PM by Fruit Star rating in Costa Calidia - Murc.... 74 posts Send private message

Fruit´s avatar
Ode to a man........My days of youth are over..My torch of life is out. What used to be my sex appeal...Is now my water spout.
It used to be embarassing they way it would behave, as early in the morning it stood and watched me shave.
But as old age approches..it sure gives me the blues...to see it hang it's withered head, and watch me clean my shoes.


This message was last edited by Fruit on 3/13/2007.

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Fruit.....



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13 Mar 2007 4:12 PM by Gillespie Star rating in Costa Calida Area. 608 posts Send private message

Gillespie´s avatar

This could have appeared here before but I´m not going thru 37 pages of thread to check!!!

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM

You have two cows.

You sell one and buy a bull.

Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

You sell them and retire on the income.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM

You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. The public buys your bull .....

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION

You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.

You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION

You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION

You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION

You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them.

You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION

You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute .....


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14 Mar 2007 12:38 AM by Roberto Star rating in Torremolinos. 4551 posts Send private message

Roberto´s avatar

I just couldn't decide where best to put this. In the end I decided it would be best in the Jokes thread. I came across this in another forum about integrating into Spanish life. Trouble is, I'm not actually sure it was a joke.

Because we only come out for a few weeks at a time, a couple of times a year, we haven't really been able to integrate. We haven't made friends with any Spaniards, but I'd like to. As a little fat git, I always need to have my trousers turned up, and it has become a ritual that every holiday I take a couple of pairs into "Elenas" in San Pedro. Good price there, 7 Euros, or she'll do one leg for 4. We are almost on chatting terms now, but it's very slow progress.

How have other members managed to integrate?

R
 
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
 
 
I know Elena too ......I just let her do one leg on my pants for the 4 euros then have seamstress Carmen who charges 3 euros for one leg do the other...........I know 2 people now

K

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"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please"

Mark Twain

 

 

 




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14 Mar 2007 3:45 AM by Pitby Star rating in Andalucía. 1904 posts Send private message

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LOL - that had me in "stitches"!!!

How funny is that!??!  Is that serious? 



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14 Mar 2007 12:53 PM by Smiley Star rating in San Pedro de Alcanta.... 2502 posts Send private message

Smiley´s avatar
 Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.
>
> The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala
> to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
>
> "Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
>
> "Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
>
> "Quattro is just ze name of ze f0kken automobile" says the German.
> "Look at ze dam papers, ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
>
> "You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer.
> "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are
> thereforea breaking the law."
>
> The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor
> over.I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
>
> "Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come.
> He'sa busy with a 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."

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Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com  www.marbellamortgages.com   www.comparetravelcash.co.uk




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14 Mar 2007 12:57 PM by Smiley Star rating in San Pedro de Alcanta.... 2502 posts Send private message

Smiley´s avatar
Wheres Elenas I need my trousers shortened

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14 Mar 2007 1:01 PM by Pitby Star rating in Andalucía. 1904 posts Send private message

Pitby´s avatar
One leg or two?



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14 Mar 2007 1:27 PM by Smiley Star rating in San Pedro de Alcanta.... 2502 posts Send private message

14 Mar 2007 3:09 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar


This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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14 Mar 2007 3:31 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

eric´s avatar


This message was last edited by eric on 3/14/2007.

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14 Mar 2007 3:38 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

eric´s avatar


This message was last edited by eric on 3/14/2007.

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14 Mar 2007 4:01 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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14 Mar 2007 5:06 PM by Roberto Star rating in Torremolinos. 4551 posts Send private message

Roberto´s avatar
Smiley, I don't where Elena or Carmen are exactly, but if you look out for any one legged or club footed men in San Pedro and ask, I'm sure they'll help.

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"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please"

Mark Twain

 

 

 




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14 Mar 2007 5:46 PM by Pitby Star rating in Andalucía. 1904 posts Send private message

Pitby´s avatar
What about the three legged, like Smiley?????

We all forget about his tail!!!



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14 Mar 2007 5:56 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar


This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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14 Mar 2007 6:12 PM by Pitby Star rating in Andalucía. 1904 posts Send private message

Pitby´s avatar
That's so funny, Janice!!!  Real chuckle!!



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14 Mar 2007 6:19 PM by Roberto Star rating in Torremolinos. 4551 posts Send private message

Roberto´s avatar
Janice, Ma'am, what's with the "back to topic" sign? If we can't digress here, where can we? You're so strict!

_______________________

 

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please"

Mark Twain

 

 

 




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14 Mar 2007 6:19 PM by Smiley Star rating in San Pedro de Alcanta.... 2502 posts Send private message

Smiley´s avatar
Youve been taking video of me again - you werent really in your house while you were away you were camped out in my garden like the Paparazzi

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Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com  www.marbellamortgages.com   www.comparetravelcash.co.uk




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