JOKES PLEASE .. IN HERE

The Car in Front is a Toyota!?!?!?!

This is absolutely hilarious. 

Justin, that was soooo funny!  Had me in stitches!  Thanks for that!!

I had to disable my pop up blocker to see/hear that one. I know a woman from Liverpool who is SO like that woman it could be her, honestly I do!

I posted THIS video ages ago but well worth watching again. HOW can some be so thick?

Justin

That video clip was absolutely hilarious. I now have a pain through laughing.

Irene

Language Problem?

Aaaahhh

Forget it!

fb

Tries Again....

Language Problem?

Brilliant!

It's the weekend...time for some humour

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.  Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
                
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven? 'The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired Continental Airlines Pilot from Houston'.
                
Saint Peter consults his list.  He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.'  The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.  
                
Next, it's the priest's turn.  He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's in Pasadena for the last 43 years.' Saint Peter consult s his list.  He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom. 
                
'Just a minute,' says the good father. 'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood.  How can this be?
                
'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter.  'When you preached - people slept.  When he flew, people prayed.'

Brilliant!

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
 
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, ‘What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I’m not reheating it’. And on and on and on.
 
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured  himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged  himself up the stairs.
 
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband’s client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
 
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
 
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

‘They’re not hanging Wright tonight,’ she said.

He whirled around and screamed,

‘FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON’T YOU EVER STOP?!’

Since the bad snow started all the wife has done is stand and stare through the window....... if it gets any worse I will have to let her in.

I woke up this morning after a wild night of sex ,drink and drugs to find a really ugly woman lying next to me. Thank god I made it home safely.

Dakey

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white
stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't
know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did
and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other
zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are
what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black
stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is."

What is the difference between "Iron Man2 & "Iron woman".?

Iron Man is a superhero, Iron woman is simply an instruction.

Proposed cuts to the National Health Service

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it,  but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the  Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow,  and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the  matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the  Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London

Two guys having a pint in the pub, One says to his mate Do you know where I can get a black Condom? his mate replied what do you want a black condom for? The first man replied, My girlfriend died today and her sister is coming round tomorrow.....I want to show some respect!

Dakey

Man is sitting at home on the veranda with his wifeand he says,

"I love you."

She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"

He replies, "It's me........... talking to the beer."

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for the Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds, without proper equipment -whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds, with millions of pounds worth of high tech
equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management
team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team...However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.