JOKES PLEASE .. IN HERE

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23 May 2007 3:52 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by eric on 5/29/2007.

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23 May 2007 3:54 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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23 May 2007 3:57 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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23 May 2007 3:58 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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23 May 2007 4:06 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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I`LL TRY AGAIN



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23 May 2007 4:09 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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** EDITED ** Eric....please!

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23 May 2007 4:29 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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26 May 2007 4:19 PM by Pitby Star rating in Andalucía. 1904 posts Send private message

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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.  When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
  
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
 
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
"Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me......I've quit drinking!"
 


This message was last edited by Pitby on 5/26/2007.



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26 May 2007 8:04 PM by bobaol Star rating. 2253 posts Send private message

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So, when I was a lot younger, I got stood up on a blind date.  I sat there at the bar drowning my sorrows when a woman started to chat to me.  She was getting on a bit, around 60 (I was a lot younger) and I bought her a drink.  She was quite pretty in an older woman sort of way.  Anyway, as I got her another drink, she started giving me the glad eye and I thought, well, so what if she's older, might turn out to be a good night anyway.

A little later, I think she was getting a little plastered, she got a gleam in her eye and said, "You ever had the  relative sandwich?"

"What's that," says I.

"You know, mother and daughter in the same bed, just you and the two of them"

Eye,eye,methinks, me luck's changing.

Anway I told her no and she says "Well, your luck's about to change (great minds think alike huh?), come home with me.

So we get to her house, she opens the door and shouts up the stairs:

"MUM, you still awake?"





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26 May 2007 9:11 PM by TechNoApe Star rating in Duquesa, Manilva. 1277 posts Send private message

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A lesbian enrols into a new 'Keep Fit Class' held at the local Leisure Centre.

Three minutes later the woman storms out of the class and strides 'angry faced' towards the Manager.

The manager asks: "Is everything satisfactory Sir ... ahem! (nervous cough) Madam"

To which she replies "No! It's bloody well not!"

The Manager tentatively asks "What exactly is the problem?"

To which the woman replies "I didn't like what the instructor called me!"

The Manager replies "What! I can't believe our instructor would have been rude, what did she say to you?"

The woman retorts "During her opening talk she said we are all what we eat!"

Now rather befuddled the Manager said "I don't quite understand your problem madam!"

To which the woman replied "Nobody calls me a C**t and gets away with it"



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28 May 2007 11:31 AM by leema Star rating in Washington Tyne & We.... 655 posts Send private message


IS THIS  STORY SPOOKY OR WHAT?

A True Australian ghost  story
This story happened a while ago in Sydney, and even though  it sounds like
an  Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.

John  Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of  the  road
 hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a  storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was  so strong he
could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw  a car
slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for  shelter and
without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the  door, just to
realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine  wasn't on!

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw  a curve
approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his  life.
Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared  through the  window
and  turned the wheel.
John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand repeatedly came  through
 the window but never harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John  saw the lights of a pub down the road so,
gathering  strength, jumped out of  the car and ran to it.
Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and  started telling everybody
about  the horrible experience he had just  experienced.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he  was crying and
?...  wasn't drunk.

Suddenly two other people  walked into the same pub.
They, like John, were also wet and out of breath. Looking around  and
seeing  John
Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the  other,

"Look, Bruce ?? there's that
f*cking idiot that got  in the car while we were pushing  it."



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28 May 2007 11:10 PM by morerosado Star rating. 6927 posts Send private message

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TechNoApe  your lesbian "joke" was rather (ahem) norty.


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28 May 2007 11:11 PM by FibbyUK Star rating in UK, Surrey & Playa F.... 2349 posts Send private message

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A member called Chrism1620 just played a joke on me, asking where the joke thread was!

Here they are Chrism1620!!!!!



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28 May 2007 11:24 PM by FibbyUK Star rating in UK, Surrey & Playa F.... 2349 posts Send private message

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I agree with Morerosada, Technoape, give yourself a slap on the wrist, (is that homophobic???!), sorry no intention there, just jesting...................

Jokes are ok, if they dont go too far and if they don't offend anyone.

We may have members of all diversions on EOS, we should be a bit more respectful and less, ah hem, explicit and lurid!

Naughty naughty......................



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28 May 2007 11:33 PM by JC1 Star rating in Manchester and La Du.... 963 posts Send private message

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I dont agree , I am sorry. i might not like or dislike a joke but I would never stop others having their view about what is funny....just ignore it. What about the joke below it ..or the one about Irishmen further back ..nobody criticised those jokes. the essence of humour is that usually somebody is the falll guy, Irish, Jews, Protestants, Catholics ...all of us at some time.

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28 May 2007 11:42 PM by FibbyUK Star rating in UK, Surrey & Playa F.... 2349 posts Send private message

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Yeah, I know where you are coming from JC1

I just thought that maybe this member had their own reason to be sensitive to this particular subject and I did sympathise with them a bit.

I understand that if we were politically correct with all "jokes", there would never be any jokes ever again!

Anyway, there was an Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman, Pole, and Spaniard in this bar, sitting nect to a lesbian and gay couple.........................they were...............

Joke joke!!!

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28 May 2007 11:55 PM by JC1 Star rating in Manchester and La Du.... 963 posts Send private message

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Fibby..I have heard it before.....but where did the spaniard come from??? 

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28 May 2007 11:58 PM by FibbyUK Star rating in UK, Surrey & Playa F.... 2349 posts Send private message

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He was a former employee of Palmera Properties............................................

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29 May 2007 12:01 AM by JC1 Star rating in Manchester and La Du.... 963 posts Send private message

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So not a good guy then???

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29 May 2007 12:10 AM by FibbyUK Star rating in UK, Surrey & Playa F.... 2349 posts Send private message

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Oh stop it JC1..........!!!!!

Don't draw me into discussions like this, cos' I have no experience of that company, just drew that joke out of the "forum" air!

You are so naughty, slap yourself right now!



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