JOKES PLEASE .. IN HERE

This thread is currently locked.

:: New - Old :: Old - New

Pages: Previous | ... | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | ... | Next |

Forum home :: Latest threads :: Search forums
The Comments
15 Feb 2007 3:40 PM by Pitby Star rating in Andalucía. 1904 posts Send private message

Pitby´s avatar
Think I'll pass on that particular little gem, Janice!!  (She says, wincing!!)



Like 0      
15 Feb 2007 4:17 PM by Smiley Star rating in San Pedro de Alcanta.... 2502 posts Send private message

Smiley´s avatar

MORE A HISTORY LESSON THAN A JOKE BUT IT MAKES INTERESTING READING

IN THE 1500'S
>
>   The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
>temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.
>Here are some facts about the1500s:
>
>   These are interesting...
>
>   Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in
>May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to
>smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence
>the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
>
>   Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house
>had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,
>then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then
>the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the
>saying, Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water..
>
>   Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
>underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats
>and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
>became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
>Hence the saying . It's raining cats and dogs.
>
>   There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This
>posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could
>mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung
>over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into
>existence.
>
>   The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.
>Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get
>slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to
>help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh
>until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A
>piece of wood was placed in the entrance way. Hence the saying a thresh
>hold.
>
>   (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)
>
>   In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
>always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to
>the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would
>eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight
>and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had
>been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas
>porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..
>
>
>   Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
>When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was
>a sign of wealth that a man could bring home the bacon. They would cut off
>a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat..
>
>   Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content
>caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning
>death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or
>so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
>
>   Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of
>the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the upper
>crust.
>
>   Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would
>sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking
>along the road would
>   take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on
>the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around
>and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom
>of holding a wake.
>
>   England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
>places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the
>bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1
>out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
>realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on
>the wrist of the corpse, thread it through the coffin and up through the
>ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard
>all night (the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus, someone
>could be saved by the bell or was considered a dead ringer.
>
>   And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring ! ! !
>

 

 


_______________________

Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com  www.marbellamortgages.com   www.comparetravelcash.co.uk




Like 0      
15 Feb 2007 5:11 PM by Rixxy Star rating in San Pedro. 2010 posts Send private message

Rixxy´s avatar
An Australian is sitting at a bar in New York City and looks at his
watch several times in the space of a few minutes.

The woman sitting nearby notices this and asks, "Is your date running  late?"

"No,"he replies, "I have this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing
it. The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so
special about it?"

The Aussie explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?" "Well, it says you're not
wearing any panties." The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be
broken because I am  wearing panties!''

The Aussie smirks, taps his watch and says, "Bloody things running
about an hour fast, can I buy you a drink?"

_______________________

Quite frankly m'dear, I don't give a damn!

www.herbalmarbella.com




Like 0      
15 Feb 2007 9:03 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

lewjan62´s avatar
Maud and Claude are both 91.



They met at the OAPs club meeting and discovered over time that they
enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for
dinner and,  much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening.

They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite his age,
they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.

Things continued along a natural course and age being no
inhibitor,Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared,
each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been
gentler."

 Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my tights.


_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



Like 0      
15 Feb 2007 11:11 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar


This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



Like 0      
16 Feb 2007 2:28 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar


This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



Like 0      
16 Feb 2007 7:54 AM by chipmonk Star rating in Staffordshire, Engla.... 101 posts Send private message

chipmonk´s avatar

We all should be trying to learn Spanish and I found this website with a few jokes and English translations

http://www.spanishpronto.com/spanishpronto/jokes.html

Doctor, doctor, me he roto el brazo en varios sitios.

Pues yo de usted no volvería a esos sitios.

 

 


_______________________
CHIPMONK



Like 0      
16 Feb 2007 12:20 PM by Smiley Star rating in San Pedro de Alcanta.... 2502 posts Send private message

Smiley´s avatar

24 THINGS THAT MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN

1, OPENING JARS - nnnnngg, she's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2, CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3, DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks? Gay. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4, SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, you think I can't whittle.

5, GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6, DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you're hard.

7, HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8, HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9, HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You, on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" "Grr, what does it look like!"

10, NODDING AT COPPERS - A moments eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past", it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11, USING POWER TOOLS - slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

12, KICKING A FOOTY AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stitch that, Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13, ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE... and everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are p***ed. However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14, NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15, CARVING THE ROAST - and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16, WINKING - turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17, TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - ideally, BandQ would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18, TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19, PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red Lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20, PARALLEL PARKING - bosh, straight in. first time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the world's best driver.

21, HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22, HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, oh nothing much, just third-degree burns"

23, KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "a Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24,
TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - a visual code that says that's right, i'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized sh* t.

 


_______________________

Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com  www.marbellamortgages.com   www.comparetravelcash.co.uk




Like 0      
16 Feb 2007 1:34 PM by Smiley Star rating in San Pedro de Alcanta.... 2502 posts Send private message

Smiley´s avatar
An  80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The
>doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things
are
>great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is

>pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
>
>The doctor considered his question for a minute and then  began. "I
have an
>older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter  and never misses a
>season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a
hurry
>and accidentally picked up his walking cane  instead of his gun. As he
>neared a lake he came
across a very large  male beaver sitting at
>the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun  at home and so
couldn't
>shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit  he raised his cane,
aimed
>it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went
'bang,
>bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now,
>what do you think of that?" asked  the doctor.
>
>The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say  somebody else pumped a
>couple of rounds into that  beaver."
>
>The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

_______________________

Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com  www.marbellamortgages.com   www.comparetravelcash.co.uk




Like 0      
18 Feb 2007 1:56 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar



This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



Like 0      
18 Feb 2007 2:01 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar


This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



Like 0      
18 Feb 2007 2:03 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar


This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



Like 0      
18 Feb 2007 2:08 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar


This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



Like 0      
18 Feb 2007 2:21 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar


This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



Like 0      
18 Feb 2007 2:43 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar


This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



Like 0      
18 Feb 2007 10:28 AM by thehalls Star rating in Lomas de Cabo Roig, .... 47 posts Send private message

This one is for everyone who ..

a) has kids, b) had kids, c) was a kid, d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.

I was packing for my business trip and my three year
old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.

At one point she said, "Daddy, look at
this," and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck
her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,"
pretending to eat them.
Went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter
was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, "What's wrong, honey?"

She replied, "What happened to my boogey?"




Like 0      
18 Feb 2007 10:35 AM by thehalls Star rating in Lomas de Cabo Roig, .... 47 posts Send private message

Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping


This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford
:

Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty
Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering banning you
and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his
antics.

Below is a list of offences over the past few months all verified by
our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
feminine products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
"Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a
Calor gas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,
he began to cry and asked, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

8. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a m
irror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an  assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants were.

10. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
the "Mission Impossible" theme.

11. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the "Madonna look"
using different size funnels.

12. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,
yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

13. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
assumed the foetal position and screamed "NO! NO! It's those voices
again."

And; last, but not least:

14. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here."
 



Like 0      
18 Feb 2007 11:15 AM by thehalls Star rating in Lomas de Cabo Roig, .... 47 posts Send private message

This ought to make us all feel better about our computer skills!
 
Tech support:  What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer:  A white one...
=============== 
Customer:  Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support:  Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer:  Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support:  That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer:  No , wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still
on my desk... sorry... 
=============== 
Tech support:  Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the
screen.
Customer:  Your left or my left?
=============== 
Tech support:  Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer:  Hello... I can't print.
Tech support:  Would you click on "start" for me and..
Customer:  Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates.
===============
Customer:  Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time
I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and
placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't
find it... 
==============
Customer:  I have problems printing in red...
Tech support:  Do you have a color printer?
Customer:  Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support:  What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer:  A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer:  My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:  No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:  Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:  OK
Tech support:  Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:  Yes.
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another
keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...
=============== 
Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a
capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7. 
Customer:  Is that 7 in capital letters?
== =============
Customer:  can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:  Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:  Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support:  Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:  Five stars.
===============
Tech support:  What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:  Netscape.
Tech support:  That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:  Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
=============== 
Customer:  I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on
my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
=============== 
Tech support:  How may I help you?
Customer:  I'm writing my first email.
Tech support:  OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:  Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get
the circle around it?
===============  
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her
printer.
Tech support:  Are you running it under windows?
Customer:  "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his
printer is working fine."
===============  
And last but not least...
Tech support:  "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the
same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now
type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." 
Customer:  I don't have a P.
Tech support:  On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:  What do you mean?
Tech support:  "P"... on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:  I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT!!



Like 0      
18 Feb 2007 4:26 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

eric´s avatar
> Subject: Fwd: Man's MID-LIFE CRISIS
>
>
>
> When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 Years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.
>
> Now we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman.  It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."
>
> My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a black and white TV.
>
> Aren't older women great? We really know how to solve a mid-life
> crisis.
>

_______________________



Like 0      
18 Feb 2007 9:37 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

eric´s avatar
Alf

Memory was something you lost with age
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy .
. . . You just hoped nobody ever found out!  

 
 i hope i dont offend anyone

_______________________



Like 0      

Pages: Previous | ... | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | ... | Next |



This thread is currently locked.


Previous Threads

Wages - 1 posts
Warning! I do not recommend Ocean Estates - 100 posts
Information on La Marina Urbanisation - 3 posts
Want to sell your property! - 0 posts
JUSTIN ALDRIDGE - EOS MEET UPS - 11 posts
Mother & toddler groups - 2 posts
Police Warning - 2 posts
Deposit contract - 12 posts
New Photos - 18 posts
beach property in murcia - 12 posts
Chiropractor needed - 13 posts
When the plans changed (Brisas Del Mar) - 0 posts
Mimosa Beach Gardens - 27 posts
** EDITED ** - 2 posts
Anyone from Staffordshire or Cheshire? - 1 posts
Mijas area, Costa Del Sol - 3 posts
Renting out - 1 posts
Spanish Mortgages - high set up costs? - 5 posts
Spanish Wills - 4 posts
Interesting website.. Professional pilots chatting to each other. - 13 posts
security grills - 11 posts
water boilers - 12 posts
Easyjet £5 extra APD Tax - 40 posts
EURO RATE - 15 posts
Compleaños Feliz Justin - 6 posts

Number of posts in this thread: 1395

DISCLAIMER:  All opinions posted on these message boards are the opinion solely of the poster and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of Eye on Spain, its servants or agents.


1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53 | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 | 61 | 62 | 63 | 64 | 65 | 66 | 67 | 68 | 69 | 70 |
Our Weekly Email Digest
Name:  
Email:
   


This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse you are agreeing to our use of cookies. More information here. x