| The Comments |
Le dice la madre a la hija:
'Mija... dicen las vecinas que te estás acostando con tu novio!'
'Ay, mami, la gente es más chismosa....
Uno se acuesta con cualquiera y ya dicen que es el novio...'
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' ¡María, tu marido se va a tirar por la ventana!'
'¡Dile al tarado ese que le puse cuernos, no alas!'
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'Carmen, ¿estás enferma?... Te lo pregunto porque he visto salir a un médico de tu casa esta mañana...'
- 'Mira, vieja, ayer por la mañana yo vi salir a un militar de la tuya y no por eso estás en guerra, ¿verdad?'
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- Dígame. ¿Cuál es el motivo por el quiere divorciarse de su esposo?
- Mi marido me trata como si fuera un perro.
- ¿La maltrata, le pega?
- No, Quiere que le sea fiel....
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Un ladrón le grita a otro, en medio de un asalto:
- ¡Viene la policía!
- ¿Y ahora qué hacemos?
- ¡Saltemos por la ventana!
- ¡Pero si estamos en el piso 13!
- ¡Este no es momento para supersticiones!
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En una fiesta se acerca un mesero a ofrecerle más whisky a una muchacha:
- Madame, ¿gusta otra copa?
- No, gracias, me hace daño para las piernas.
- ¿Se le adormecen?
- No, se me abren!
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Una joven rebelde muy liberada, entra en un bar completamente desnuda. Se para frente al cantinero y le dice:
- Deme una cerveza bien helada!
El cantinero se queda mirándola sin moverse.
- ¿Qué pasa? -dice ella- Nunca ha visto a una mujer desnuda???
- ¡Muchas veces!
¿¿¿Y entonces qué mira???
¡Quiero ver de dónde va a sacar el dinero para pagar la cerveza!
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Un pasajero le toca el hombro al taxista para hacerle una pregunta.
El taxista grita, pierde el control del coche, casi choca con un camión, se sube a la acera y se mete en un escaparate haciendo pedazos los vidrios.
Por un momento no se oye nada en el taxi, hasta que el taxista dice:
- 'Mire amigo, jamás haga eso otra vez! Casi me mata del susto!'
El pasajero le pide disculpas y le dice:
- 'No pensé que se fuera a asustar tanto si le tocaba el hombro'
El taxista le dice:
- 'Lo que pasa es que es mi primer día de trabajo como taxista'
- ¿Y qué hacía antes?
- Fui chofer de carroza funeraria durante 25 años'
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Se encuentran dos chinos:
- 'El otlo día me comple un coche.'
- 'Ah si?'
- 'Si, mila, es ese de ahí.'
- 'Y que malca es?'
- 'Un Alfa'
- '¿Lomeo?'
- 'Lo meas y te lompo el alma, pol cochino'
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EL NOVIO LE DICE A LA NOVIA EN SU NOCHE DE BODAS: MI AMOR, PERO TU NO ERES VIRGEN !!
Y ELLA RESPONDE: NI TU SAN JOSÉ, NI VINIMOS A ARMAR UN PESEBRE, ¿Cierto, amor?..
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Home is where the heart is!
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: ---New High School Exit Exam...!!
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below ..
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch ? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.
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: ---New High School Exit Exam...!!
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below ..
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch ? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.
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: ---New High School Exit Exam...!!
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What color is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.
Check your answers below ..
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
8) What color is a purple finch ? Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
10) What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
What do you mean, you failed? Me, too.
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MANAGEMENT COURSE
Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.
The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel..'
After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.
'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
Moral of the story:
If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders, in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Lesson 2:
A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish..'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.
'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'
Puff! He's gone.
'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'
Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.
Lesson 4
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing..
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up..
Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull.
'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree..
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..
Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.
While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.
The dung was actually thawing him out!
He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.
(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!
THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
_______________________
Home is where the heart is!
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Wine does NOT make you FAT - it makes you LEAN...
...against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people.
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Do not talk to my Parrot!!!
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman,
'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check .'
'Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!' 'I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking
Dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't
Contain himself any longer and yelled,
'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'
To which the parrot replied, 'Get him, Spike!'
See - Men just don't listen!
This message was last edited by sandra on 3/3/2009.
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An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'
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Paul Weller is getting fat. He's been eating trifle, eating trifle!
A man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. His wife is lying reading. He says, "Just thought I'd show the pig I sleep with when you've got a headache". His wife looks up over her glasses, and replies, "I think you'll find that's a sheep, not a pig". Her husband replies, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you".
A wife is standing naked in front of the mirror, and remarks to her husband, "My boobs are too small. Do you think I should have cosmetic surgery". Her husband replies, "Don't waste any money on that, just occasionally rub a couple of sheets of toilet paper between them". Surprised, she asks, "Will that make them bigger"? Her husband answers, "Well, it worked on your arse"!
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ARE YOU LONESOME TONIGHT? (Senior Citizen Version)
Are you lonesome tonight?
Does your tummy feel tight?
Did you bring your mylanta and tums?
Does your memory stray,
To that bright sunny day,
When you had all your teeth and your gums?
Is your hairline receding?
Your eyes growing dim?
Hysterectomy for her,
And its prostate for him.
Does your back give you pain?
Do your knees predict rain?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Is your blood pressure up?
Good cholesterol down?
Are you eating your low fat cuisine?
All that oat bran and fruit,
Metamucil to boot.
Helps you run like
A well oiled machine.
If it's football or baseball,
He sure knows the score.
Yes, he knows where it's at
But forgets what it's for.
So your gallbladder's gone,
But your gout lingers on,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
When you're hungry, he's not,
When you're cold, he is hot,
Then you start that old thermostat war.
When you turn out the light,
He goes left and you go right,
Then you get his great symphonic snore.
He was once so romantic,
So witty and smart;
How did he turn out to be such
A cranky old fart?
So don't take any bets,
It's as good as it gets,
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building.l is
_______________________
http://www.facebook.com/ruido.blanco.773
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An American soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun pointed and replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I didn't want to go to Iraq !"
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, "If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls too....I don't want to go to Iraq either!"
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Shortest joke in the world..................
Venison, deer isnt it?
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Normal
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Microsof...
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A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.
Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.'
So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The mothe r replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!'
The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?'
The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?'
'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million bucks would buy?'
The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, ' Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?'
The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on three million dollars .
But 'realistically', we're living with two hookers and a queer.
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if you dont know where your going any road will get you their
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SPAGHETTI
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin
his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she
Would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise
The child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card,
And write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the
Child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
'Honey,' she said, 'You received a very strange post card today.'
'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed
And watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.
On the card was written:
'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.
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if you dont know where your going any road will get you their
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A man went to the doctor's office to get a Double
Dose of Viagra.
The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a
Double Dose.
'Why not?' asked the man.
' Because it's not safe,' replied the doctor.
'But I need it really bad,' said the man.
'Well, why do you need it so badly?' asked the doctor.
The man said, 'My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday;
My ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I must have a Double Dose.'
The doctor finally relented saying, 'Okay, I'll give
it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can
check you to see if there are any side effects.'
On Monday, the man dragged himself in to the doctors office; his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, 'What happened to you?'
The man said, 'No one showed up'.
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if you dont know where your going any road will get you their
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if you dont know where your going any road will get you their
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hahaha jet, luv your picture :)
worzel gummidge lol
there's some funny jokes on here
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DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE :
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT
SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S
A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
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TUGAY (Dave & Sheila)
San Miguel De Salinas
Costa Blanca
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Can someone please explain the Manchester city joke before
I jump to the conclusion that it is possibly racist?
I understand that Madonna is adopting another baby from Malawi so is
the footballer an African from Malawi? I've done a google search
but I am no further in understanding the joke.
Sorry to be a pain.
edited to increase text size
This message was last edited by sandra on 4/2/2009.
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An army Sergeant Major walked into a whorehouse one night and approached the madam and said, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick and I'm here for a woman!".
The madam immediatly escorted the soldier upstairs and selected the best call girl that they had working that night. Segeant Major Dick disrobed and was standing with his hands on his hips while he looked at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He then siad, "My name is Sergeant Major Dick. Been in the Army 30 years and I'm a master of my mind and body. Dick, ATTEN-HUN!" Immediatly his penis became fully erect. The prostitute was in awe and asked him how he was able to do that. The Sergeant replied "Like I said, I am a master of my mind and body. Dick, AT EASE!" His penis immediatly went limp. The prositute couldn't belive the control this man had and asked for another demonstration. He repeated his comands and again the penis responded immediatly. Still amazed, the protitute asked for one last demonstration.
"Dick, ATTEN-HUN!" His penis became erect.
"Dick, AT EASE!"
This time to his amazement, his penis did not go limp. Again, he gave the command, "Dick, AT EASE!" No luck. At this point, he was outraged. "Apparently you didn't hear me soldier...Dick AT EASE!" Still erect. He moved over to the corner of the room and started to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asked "Why the hell are you doing that?!"
"This soldier disobeyed a direct order," the Sergeant replied, "I'm giving him a dishonourable discharge!".
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