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19 Jan 2007 8:34 PM by Annie21 Star rating. 368 posts Send private message

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 ESPECIALLY FOR THE GOLFERS AMONG YOU
NON GOLFERS CAN READ IT ALSO
 
 
 
Subject: Parrot
 
At dawn the telephone rings:
 
"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
 
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
 
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot Died.
 
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
 
"Si, Senor,that's the one."
 
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die
from?"
 
"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"
 
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
 
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
 
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
 
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
 
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
 
"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
 
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
 
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
 
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
 
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."
 
"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a
candle??!!!
 
"Yes Senor Rod."
 
"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
 
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
 
" WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
 
"Your wife's, Senor Rod...She showed up one night out of the blue and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver.
 
SILENCE................... LONG SILENCE...............
 
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh*t!"
 
.



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19 Jan 2007 8:55 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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Roberto posted in another thread so copied here...

Tower:
"Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"


**************************************************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."


TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"


Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

****************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."



United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."


******************************! ******** *************************************************** *************

A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff"

*****************************************************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.

San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

***************************************************************************************************

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I spea k English?"


Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

*******************************************************************************************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

********************************************************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"


The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

*******************************************************************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"


Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- I was dropping things and didn't land."

****************************************************************************************************** While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"


"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.



Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:



"Wasn't I married to you once?"

hysterical.gif hysterical.gif hysterical.gif hysterical.gif hysterical.gif




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19 Jan 2007 9:57 PM by Annie21 Star rating. 368 posts Send private message

Annie21´s avatar
 

 

 

Subject: Fw: Cinderella -

 

 

 

 

Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.




 

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?






 

The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"






 

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.






 

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold






 

Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".

The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"

Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.



The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........






 

"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."



 

 

 

 

 

 

 




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20 Jan 2007 2:26 PM by sunnyside Star rating in UK/Duquesa. 95 posts Send private message

sunnyside´s avatar
Before Computers

Memory was something you lost with age
        An application was for employment
         A program was a TV show
         A cursor used profanity

        A keyboard was a piano
        A web was a spider's home
        A virus was the flu
        A CD was a bank account

        A hard drive was a long trip on the road
         A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

          And if you had a 3 inch floppy . .
 
 

       . you just hoped nobody ever found out!




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20 Jan 2007 3:42 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide which was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach wasbloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The moral of the story ......

The arsehole is usually in charge !!!


_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



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20 Jan 2007 3:50 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

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God said, "Adam, I  want you to do  something for me."

Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?

God said, "Go down into that valley."

Adam said, "What's a valley?"

God explained it to him.


Then God said, "Cross the river."

Adam said, "What's a river?"

God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."

Adam said, "What is a hill?"

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.


He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"

Adam said, "What's a cave?"


After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."

Adam said, "What's a woman?"

So God explained that to him, too.


Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."

Adam said, "How do I do that?"

God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.


So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said


*

*

*

*

"What's a headache?


_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



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20 Jan 2007 8:52 PM by Annie21 Star rating. 368 posts Send private message

Annie21´s avatar
 
 

 


 
 
 
Subject: Fw: FW: Catholic parrots
 
 
----- Original Message -----
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?"

That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed,

 

Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a

solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I

have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the

cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise

and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time."

Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

 

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside

their cage holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi,

we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

 

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at

the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank.

Our prayers have been answered!"

 





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20 Jan 2007 8:57 PM by Annie21 Star rating. 368 posts Send private message

Annie21´s avatar
 
 

Subject: FW: Senior Moments or C.R.A.F.T. moments as they are now know.

________________________________



Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel,
did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel
answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice
in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the
papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know
he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity
to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

********************************************************************************
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They
were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave
came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days   and
couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the
promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the
bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise."



The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

******************************************************

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time....but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said
"How soon do you need to know?"
*******************************************


THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
**************************************************














------



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20 Jan 2007 11:18 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

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Keep this handy on your PC for when you need a stress reliever.

Click on this German Bears and move your mouse cursor across the bears --- you do not have to click mouse button.  Amazing how they do this. German ingenuity!

 


_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



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20 Jan 2007 11:30 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

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hope I dont offend!!


This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years.The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit
of
farting loudly every morning when he awoke.The noise would wake his
wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because
it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would
blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner
and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had
put! the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts
and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs
where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed
covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and
emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control
herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After
years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About
twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained
underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her Lip as she
asked him what was the matter, He said, "Honey, you were right." "All
these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife."Well, you always told me that one
day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened"
he said.

"But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got
most of them back in."

 


_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



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20 Jan 2007 11:43 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

20 Jan 2007 11:54 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

20 Jan 2007 11:54 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

lewjan62´s avatar

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He
asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to Nevada. I heard prostitutes there get paid
$400 for doing what I do for you for free."

Later that night, on her way out, the wife walks into the bedroom and
sees her husband packing his suitcase.

When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm coming, too. I
want to see how you live on $800 a year".


_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



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21 Jan 2007 1:15 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

22 Jan 2007 2:36 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

24 Jan 2007 12:22 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when

he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, "Murphy, I am so

glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I
misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn

had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn come to church every
Sunday I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and
figured he would leave it in the back of church. so, I was going to leave

after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn't steal McGlynn's

hat. What changed your mind?"

Murphy said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I
decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou

Shalt Not Steal' you decided you would rather do without your hat than
Burn in Hell, right ?"

Murphy shook his head and said, "No, Father, after you talked about
'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat."
jawdrop.gif



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24 Jan 2007 12:31 PM by Smiley Star rating in San Pedro de Alcanta.... 2502 posts Send private message

Smiley´s avatar

Before anyone berates me for the thread below check out my profile - with Irish origins and living in Essex I am always the first to pòke fun at myself:

ESSEX A major hurricane (Hurricane Shazza) and earthquake measuring 5.8

on the

Richter scale hit Essex in the early hours of Friday with its epicentre

in

Canvey Island.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering "Faaackinell".

The hurricane decimated the area causing approximately GBP30 worth of

damage.

Several priceless collections of mementos from Majorca and the Costa del

Sol were damaged beyond repair.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were

Woken well before their giros arrived. Essex FM reported that hundreds

of

Residents were confused and bewildered and were still trying to come to

terms

with the fact that something interesting had happened in Canvey.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 15-year-old mother of 5 said, "It

Was such a shock, my little Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my

bedroom

crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Victoria-Storm slept through

it all. I

was still shaking when I was skinning up and watching Trisha the next

morning."

Apparently looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried

on

As normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny

Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are

still

searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of personal

belongings, including benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth Duke at

Argos and

Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those

unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most

sought

after - items most needed include:

Fila or Burberry baseball caps

Kappa tracksuit tops (his and hers)

Shell suits (female)

White sport socks

Rockport boots

Any other items usually sold in Primark.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs include:

Microwave meals, Tins of baked beans, Ice cream, Cans of Colt 45 or

Special

Brew.

22p buys a biro for filling in the compensation forms.

GBP2 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy drinks for a family of 9.

GBP5 buys B&H and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**

Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in raspberry

alco-pop.

'Where are you bleeding from?' they asked," ROMFORD" said the girl,

"woss

That gotta do wiv you?

Please don't forward this to anyone living in Essex- oh, sod it, they

won't

Be able to read it, anyway.


_______________________

Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com  www.marbellamortgages.com   www.comparetravelcash.co.uk




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24 Jan 2007 1:32 PM by nannyjersey Star rating. 14 posts Send private message

A Texas Chili Contest Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then there's no hope for you. I was crying by the end. Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a chili cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio city park. The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL. Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted." Here are the scorecards from the event: (Frank is Judge #3) Chili # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili... Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick. Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy! Chili # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chili... Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers to be taken seriously. Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. Chili # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili... Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans. Judge # 2 -- A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting pie-eyed from all of the beer... Chili # 4 Dave's Black Magic... Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chili. Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac? Chili # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover... Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ****es me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks. Chili # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety... Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers. Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb. Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair! No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone. Chili # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili... Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably. Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. Chili # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chili... Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence. Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out fell over, and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?



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24 Jan 2007 1:34 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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24 Jan 2007 6:16 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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