JOKES PLEASE .. IN HERE

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23 Feb 2007 10:15 AM by onq Star rating. 45 posts Send private message

If a schizophrenic threatens to commit suicide, is it considered a hostage situation?  And if the suicide attempt is successful, is it considered murder?



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23 Feb 2007 10:19 AM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."  

 

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."  St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.  

 

Arthur then asked God, "Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?"  

 

God said, "Ah, yes."  

 

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:  

 

  1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion.  
  2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.  
  3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much.  
  4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.  
  5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous."  
  
"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God,  
"hold on." God went to his Celestial super computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.  

 

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said  to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."  
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This message was last edited by eric on 2/23/2007.

This message was last edited by eric on 2/23/2007.

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23 Feb 2007 10:25 AM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's infidelity."  

 

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife." One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of some pretty heavy lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'"  
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23 Feb 2007 11:50 AM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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Wouldn't you love to say this to someone???





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23 Feb 2007 12:04 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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23 Feb 2007 5:19 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"


     The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.  We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.  As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

Scroll down...You'll love this...


[]


'You got Male

 


 

 







 

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23 Feb 2007 5:25 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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thanks janice

when i go into jokes i can see everything that i posted,iam not good whith these cyber things,so tell me why i can see them ?but u dont. i just posted one whith a photo of a baby at the bottom can u see that one because i can.

eric


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23 Feb 2007 7:54 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

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Not one for the nice Catholic girls out there.....
Imagine if all major retailers started producing condoms.........

 Tesco Condoms: every little helps

 Sainsbury Condoms: making life taste better

 Nike Condoms: Just do it.

 Peugeot Condoms: The ride of your life.

 Galaxy Condoms: Why have rubber when you can have silk.

 KFC Condoms: Finger Licking good.

 Minstrals Condoms: melts in your mouth , not in your hands.

 Safeway condoms: Lightening the load..

 Abbey national condoms: because life is complicated enough.

 Coca cola condoms: The real thing.

 Ever ready condoms: keep going and going.

 Macintosh condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple

 Pringles condoms: once you pop, you cant stop

 Burger king condoms: Home of the whopper

 Goodyear condoms: "for a longer ride go wide"

 FCUK condoms: no comment required.

 Muller light condoms: so much pleasure, but where's the pain.

 Halford condoms: we go the extra mile.

 On digital condoms: plug in and play !!!!

 Royal mail condoms: I saw this and thought of you.

 Andrex condoms: Soft, strong and very very long.

 Renault condoms: size really does matter!

_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



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24 Feb 2007 3:45 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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24 Feb 2007 3:50 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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25 Feb 2007 9:01 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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25 Feb 2007 10:09 PM by thehalls Star rating in Lomas de Cabo Roig, .... 47 posts Send private message

What we females have to go through ouch !!

Mammogram's
Many women are  afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to
worry. By taking  a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam
and doing the  following exercises, you will be totally prepared for the
test and best of all, you can do these simple exercises right in and around your
home.

EXERCISE ONE:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one  breast in door. Shut the door
as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure.

Hold that  position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time
wasn't effective enough.

EXERCISE  TWO:

Visit your garage at  3am when the  temperature of the cement floor is
just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor
with one breast wedged under the rear  tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly
back the car up until your breast  is sufficiently flattened and chilled.
Turn over and repeat with the other  breast.

EXERCISE THREE:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a
stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts.

Smash the  bookends together as hard as you can.

Set up an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

YOU ARE TOTALLY PREPARED!

AND, just a thought for all the women out  there........

MENtal  illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,
MENopause............

Ever notice how all of women's problems start  with men?.........And

When  we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!



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25 Feb 2007 10:37 PM by Smiley Star rating in San Pedro de Alcanta.... 2502 posts Send private message

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Does that apply to herpes and hernia as well?

_______________________

Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com  www.marbellamortgages.com   www.comparetravelcash.co.uk




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25 Feb 2007 11:12 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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25 Feb 2007 11:14 PM by Smiley Star rating in San Pedro de Alcanta.... 2502 posts Send private message

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Nah just striking back for men - Thehalls want to blame males for all problems female - just wanted to make the point that there are a couple of things attributable to the fairer sex. 

_______________________

Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com  www.marbellamortgages.com   www.comparetravelcash.co.uk




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26 Feb 2007 2:28 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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26 Feb 2007 2:29 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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26 Feb 2007 2:31 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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26 Feb 2007 2:36 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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26 Feb 2007 1:16 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

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 FW: Scouser joke / Brilliant

 

 An Irishman, an Australian and a Scouser are sat in a pub enjoying a drink together.
They're  staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not  recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and  stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs:

 "My God, it's Jesus!"
Sure  enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a  pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a bottle of Newcastle Brown Ale.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three  men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the  trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:
"My God! The arthritis I've had  for 30 years is gone. It's a
miracle!"
Jesus  then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
"Strewth mate, the bad back  I've had all my life is completely gone!  It's a miracle."
Jesus then approaches the Scouser,  who knocks  over a chair and a table in trying to get away from the Son of  God.

"What's wrong my son?" says Jesus.

The Scouser shouts, "**** off, I'm on disability  benefit!"

 


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