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Why don't we post jokes, funnies, call em wot you desire ? I'll begin with ...
Divorce !
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
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CLEANING HOUSE FOR 2007
Last Week I threw out WORRYING,
It was getting old and in the way.
It kept me from being me,
I couldn't do things my way.
I threw out those inhibitions,
They were just crowding me out.
Made room for my New Growth,
Got rid of my old dreams and doubts.
I threw out a book on MY PAST
(didn't have time to read it anyway).
Replaced it with New Goals,
Started reading it today.
I threw out childhood toys
(remember how I treasured them so)?
Got me a NEW PHILOSOPHY too,
Threw out the one from long ago.
Bought in some new books too,
Called I CAN, I WILL, and I MUST.
Threw out I might, I think and I ought.
WOW, You should've seen the dust.
I ran across an OLD FRIEND,
Haven't seen him in a while.
I believe his name is GOD,
Yes, I really like His style.
He helped me to do some cleaning
And added some thing's Himself.
Like PRAYER, HOPE and FAITH,
Yes I placed them right on the shelf.
I picked up this special thing
And placed it at the front door.
I FOUND IT - its called PEACE.
Nothing gets me down anymore.
Yes, I've got my house looking nice.
Looks good around the place.
For things like Worry and Trouble
There just isn't any place.
It's good to do a little house cleaning,
Get rid of the old things on the shelf.
It sure makes things brighter,
Maybe you should TRY IT YOURSELF.
~Author Unknown~
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This story is for Senior Citizens. If you don't yet qualify,
Save a copy till you do
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with
Two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today." The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like
To buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of You. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of Water." "Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, A man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady Said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said. As he gave her the drink, this Time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with Only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, You've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
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WARNING: NEW SCAM
Be aware of this. I had a lucky escape.
I walked into B&Q at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in orange asked
me if I wanted decking. Fortunately, I got the first punch in and that
was the end of that.
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Duplicated .. cos page went "funny"....... This message was last edited by JeansSis on 1/18/2007.
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12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my
newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with
one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes,
and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate
few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact
via the Web.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop
telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music
on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week,
if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget
to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed
sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
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| You Know You're Addicted to Internet When... |
You kiss you girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmarks list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them.
You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google.
You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap.... and your kid in the overhead compartment.
Your dreams are in HTML.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.
You turn your computer off and get this awful epmty feeling, like you just pulled the plug of your loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au"
Your heart races faster and beats irredgularly each time you see a new WWW site address printed on the TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of the room and realize that your roomates have moved and you don't have any idea when it happened.
You turn up the volume read loud when leaving the room so you can hear if anyone IM's you.
You wife drapes a blond wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
Looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice that you've been to all of them.
Your dog has its own webpage.
You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated by a 17" LCD Flat-Panel Monitor.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You code your homework in HTML and give your intsructor the URL.
You don't know what sex your three of your closeset friends are, because they have nuetral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
You name your children Google, Friendster and Blogger
You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest MP3's off Kazaa Lite.
You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back.
Your virtual girlfriend finds a new sweetheart with a larger bandwidth.
You buy a Captain Kirk Chair with a built in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer can not come to bed"
The last hottie you picked up was only a jpeg.
You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while youre pretending to catch your breath.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost you to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
You forget what year it is.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
You ask a doctor to implant a terrabyte in your brain.
Your sweetie says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and network them together so that you can IM each other anytime.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
You start using smileys in your snail mail
You bring a bag lunch to the computer.
You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.
You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
You type faster than you think.
You double click your TV remote.
You can now type over 70 WPM.
You check your e-mail and forget you have real mail.
You go into withdrawals during dinner.
You rank your friends by the amount of bandwith they have.
You have "Googled" all your friends to try to find out anything interesteing that they are not telling you and you can use against them later.
You message someone via IM when they are less than 20 feet away.
The sound of the keys clicking turns you on.
You have more browsers than friends in the real world.
You actually say I-M-O and A-T-M to real friends rather than 'in my opinion' and 'at the moment'. And they give you strange looks.
You run four chat programs all at once... Yahoo Messenger, ICQ, AIM and MSN
You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
The letters have come off your keyboard from excessive use.
You order pizza online - because you can't be bothered to call.
You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**.
You're on the phone and say BRB.
The last movie you've seen was on your Quicktime player.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to the internet.
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WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)
are proud to announce the opening of their
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN !
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available |
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*·-..-·*·¤·*¤*·¤·*·-..-·*
Grandma's on the net again, the kitchen's not her home.
She used to make us cherry pies, and call us on the phone
We miss her homemade biscuits, and I'll make this little bet ,
If you want to contact Grandma, you'll have to surf the net.
*·-..-·*·¤·*©*·¤·*·-..-·*
Grandma's surfing on the net, you bet.
We've been calling her all morning, and we haven't got her yet.
If you want to talk to grandma, you'll have to surf the net.
*·-..-·*·¤·*©*·¤·*·-..-·*
She's never surfed at Malibu, or caught a wave at Waikiki,
She's never met a beach-bum--Noon Doggie is just a pup.
But when she heads for her computer, you know the surf is up.
*·-..-·*·¤·*©*·¤·*·-..-·*
Grandma's getting older and her eyes are getting dim
Her random access memory, is half of what its been.
When Saint Peter comes to call someday, She'll say I cant go yet.
He'll have to wait for Grandma, cause she's surfing on the net.
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This is what marriage is about..................
An old man ordered one hamburger, one French fries and one drink.
He unwrapped the hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed
One half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French
fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front
of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were
thinking, "that poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said
they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally took turns sipping
the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
Meal for them. This time the old woman said "No thank you, we are used to
sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat
a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered ......
"THE TEETH."
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Subject: B & Q JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner
submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big boobs and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
***Old People Rock!***
This message was last edited by Annie21 on 1/18/2007.
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A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the M4, nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks "What's going on?".
Terrorists have kidnapped Bush, Blair & Gordon Brown. They're asking for a £300 million ransom, otherwise they're going to douse them with petrol and set them on fire. We're going from car to car, taking up a collection.
The driver asks "How much is everyone giving, on average?".
About a litre.
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WHY GOD MADE PETS
They help out around the house......
They protect our children....
They look out for the smaller ones....
They show us how to relax......
They "converse" with each other....
They help you when you're down....
They are great at decorating for the holidays....
They have GREAT expectations....
They are Patriotic....
They are happy to 'test' the water....
They love their 'teddies'.....
They know who's 'boss'.....
AND...They know when we need a good LAUGH !!!!!
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Will someone tell me if animal pics came out below. I can see them but can YOU ?
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Whow, that's good as I copied & pasted them so, although I could see them, I thought, maybe, you couldn't.
Can we have a totally separate "wotjemacallit" ("oojimaflip") for Jokes etc, please, please, please so it doesn't get buried in chit chat ?
x x x
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Dog's Diary entries
> > 8:00- AM Dog food! My favorite thing! > > 9:30- am A car ride! My favorite thing! > > 9:40- am A walk in the park! My favorite thing! > > 10:30- am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! > > 12:00- pm Lunch! My favorite thing! > > 1:00- pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing! > > 3:00- pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! > > 5:00- pm Milk bones! My favorite thing! > > 7:00- pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing! > > 8:00- pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing! > > 11:00- pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! > > > Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary: > > Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor. > > Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. > > Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs. > > I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now....
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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'TWAS THE MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS >> >>'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house, >>Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. >> >>The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste, >>At the holiday parties had gone to my waist. >> >>When I got on the scales there arose such a number! >>When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber). >> >>I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared, >>The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared. >> >>The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese, >>And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please." >> >>As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt, >>And prepared once again to do battle with dirt. >> >>I said to myself, as I only can, >>"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!" >> >>So--away with the last of the sour cream dip, >>Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip. >> >>Every last bit of food that I like must be banished, >>'Till all the additional ounces have vanished. >> >>I won't have a cookie--not even a lick, >>I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. >> >>I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, >>I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. >> >>I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore, >>But isn't that what January is for? >> >>Unable to giggle, no longer a riot, >>Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet! >> >>
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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YES JAN, we can see the animal pictures we do not have any now its quite sad. But not fair to have any as we will be going backwards and forwards to Spain have to foster Take Care Pat
_______________________
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