Jokes

Blonde Joke

I like the joke, got any more ?

Nice one Fred 

 A little girl goes to school for the first time, she comes home and her mom asks her how her first day went. The little girl answers, well it is a complete waste of time, I can't read or write and they will not allow me to talk.

funny stories.i feel happy after reading.

is there any more?

DIFFERENT WAYS OF LOOKING AT THINGS
----------------------------------------------------------
1.. Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?'
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

---------------------------------------------------------
2. A little boy went up to his father and asked: 'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?'
The father replied. 'Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.'
---------------------------------------------------------

3. 'Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife £775 a week,'
'That's very fair, your Honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few pounds myself.

--------------------------------------------------------
4. A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

----------------------------------------------------------
5. An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

----------------------------------------------------------
6. Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:
1. ALL the DNA matches.
2. There are no dental records.

----------------------------------------------------------
7. A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?'
The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'
'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

----------------------------------------------------------
8. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective.
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

----------------------------------------------------------
9. Moe: 'My wife got me to believe in religion.'
Joe: 'Really?'
Moe: 'Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in Hell.'

----------------------------------------------------------
10. A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.
'I'm O. K.. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.
'What did he say,' asked the nurse.
'Oops!'

----------------------------------------------------------
11. While shopping for holiday clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice.
'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?'
'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.'

---------------------------------------

12. The graveside service had just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance.
The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

MEDICAL RESEARCH

Australian Medical Association researchers have found

that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit

from receiving chicken blood

rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better....

Just thought you'd like to know.

BLESSED ARE THOSE WHO ARE CRACKED,

FOR THEY ARE THE ONES WHO LET IN THE LIGHT!

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT
 
Possibly the funniest story in a long while. This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the newsletter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board.

This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award

Dear Sir,

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
following details will be sufficient...
 
 
I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working
alone on the roof of a new six-story building.
 
When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over
which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs.

Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a
barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building
on the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out
and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.

You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh
135lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
 
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now
proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the
fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed
in section 3 of the accident report form.
 
Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until
the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
 
Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able
to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
 
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
of the bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.
 
I refer you again to my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid
descent, down the side of the building.
 
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This
accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several
lacerations of my legs and lower body.
 
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile
of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.
 
I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in
pain, unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and
let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me.
 
This explains the two broken legs.
 

I hope this answers your inquiry.
 
 
 
Kevin Roben Wagga

Call centre conversation
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Microsoft Word."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in Microsoft Word, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too  stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

After a hard days work first thing i do is check on EYEONSPAIN  for the JOKES, they cheer me up like a ray of SPANISH sun shine.

A priest offered a Nun a lift.
She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
The priest nearly had an accident.
After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg...
The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'
Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
 

Silent Treatment 
 
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. 
Suddenly, the man realised that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. 
 
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM ' He left it where he knew she would find it. 
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. 
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of 
paper by the bed. 
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.' 
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. 
 
 
WIFE VS. HUSBAND 
 
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. 
 
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted 
to concede their position. 
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked 
sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 
 
'Yep,' the wife replied , 'in-laws. 
 
WOMEN'S REVENGE 
 
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. 
 
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. 
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
 'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this 
was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.' 
 
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE) 
 
I know I'm not going to understand women. 
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your 
upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider. 
 
W O R D S
 
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 
30,000 to a man's 15,000. 
 
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... 
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?' 
 
CREATION 
 
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful 
all at the same time.'
 
The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. 
 
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would 
be attracted to you! 
 
WHO DOES WHAT
 
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. 
The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.' 
The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.' 
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' 
 
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament 
and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS' 
 
God may have created man before woman, 
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

Come on GIRLS someone must know some jokes about the men ?

Jules, there was a brilliant thread with jokes in before this, search 'jokes' to find 'jokes please .. in here'  ... over 1300 posts.

 I poured stain remover on my dog Spot, now he has disappeared. 

I used to be a person who could not make up his mind, now I am not so sure!

The Harley-Davidson Facts

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson , died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, ' I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? 'Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention !

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension 




2. It chatters constantly at high speeds


3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much




4.. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust

5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

 'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper

and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.'