JOKES PLEASE .. IN HERE

This thread is currently locked.

:: New - Old :: Old - New

Pages: Previous | ... | 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53 | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | ... | Next |

Forum home :: Latest threads :: Search forums
The Comments
10 Sep 2008 6:27 PM by semijubilada Star rating in London/Torrevieja. 1052 posts Send private message

You're welcome, the first link doesn't work as I've added +before the =.   Sorry



Like 0      
11 Sep 2008 10:30 AM by FibbyUK Star rating in UK, Surrey & Playa F.... 2349 posts Send private message

FibbyUK´s avatar
Young Jack, moved to Wiltshire and bought a
Donkey from a farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the
Donkey the next day. The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son, but
I have some bad news, the donkey died.'

Jack replied,
'Well, then just give me my money back.'

The farmer said,
'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.'

Jack said,
'Ok, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'

The farmer asked,
'What ya gonna do with him?

Jack said,
'I'm going to raffle him off.'

The farmer said,
You can't raffle off a dead donkey!'

Jack said,
'Sure I can Watch me.. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.'

A month later, the farmer met up with

Jack and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?'

Jack said,
'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a profit of £898.00.'

The farmer said,
'Didn't anyone complain?'

Jack said,
'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two pound back.'

Jack
 now works for the government. 


_______________________

FibbyUK

One off fee to pay your own La Renta tax (210 Form)
Check out my website:

http://www.payingtaxesinspain210form.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/

 




Like 0      
11 Sep 2008 11:48 AM by abbbb1 Star rating in Essex and Ciudad Que.... 306 posts Send private message

abbbb1´s avatar
and now one with a Spanish flavour!!!

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish,
unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

So, a student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'


Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into
two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves
whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun.


Each group was asked to give four reasons for its
recommendation. The men's group decided that 'computer' should
definitely be of the feminine gender ('la Computadora' ), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;


2. The native language they use to communicate with other
computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;


3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for
possible later retrieval; and


4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.


(THIS GETS BETTER!)


The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be
Masculine
('el computador') , because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;


2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;


3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem; and


4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won.



_______________________



Home
is where the heart is!




Like 0      
11 Sep 2008 8:08 PM by barney111 Star rating. 1133 posts Send private message

An elderly couple attended church (religously!) every Sunday. One Sunday they arrived a little late to find the church packed. The only two seats together were on the front row at the middle of the aisle.

They took their seats and the mass commenced. The priest did his sermon, then the congregation sang a few hymns, and then the priest asked his flock to spend a little time in meditation. He asked them to consider their sins and ask for forgiveness.

After a minute or so the old lady turned to her husband and whispered ' I'm sorry dear but I've just done a silent fart - what should I do?'

The hubby turned to her and said:

'I'd get a new battery for your hearing aid darling!'

_______________________

   




Like 0      
16 Sep 2008 3:15 PM by Karensun Star rating in Orihuela Costa. 1474 posts Send private message

Karensun´s avatar

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you've been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and
hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'


'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, you have to be single and
#2, you must be Catholic.'


The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'


'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would
make a hooker blush.


But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'


'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess,
I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.

My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party



_______________________
  ' Do unto others as you would be done by'
   
         Now a non-smoker !  



Like 0      
22 Sep 2008 9:12 PM by abbbb1 Star rating in Essex and Ciudad Que.... 306 posts Send private message

abbbb1´s avatar

Another Blonde moment

A Blonde was sent on her way to Heaven. Upon arrival, a concerned St Peter
met her at the Pearly Gates.

'I'm sorry,' St Peter said; 'But Heaven is suffering from an overload of
goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new
arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.'

'That's cool' said the blonde, 'What does the Entrance Exam consist of?'

'Just three questions' said St Peter.

'Which are?' asked the blonde.

'The first,' said St Peter, 'is, which two days of the week start with the
letter 'T' '?

The second is 'How many seconds are there in a year?'

The third is 'What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

'Now,' said St Peter, 'Go away and think about those questions and when I
call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me.'

So the blonde went away and gave those three questions some considerable
thought (I expect you to do the same).

The following morning, St Peter called upon the blonde and asked if she had
considered the questions, to which she replied, 'I have.'

'Well then,' said St Peter, 'Which two days of the week start with the
letter T?'

The blonde said, 'Today and Tomorrow.'

St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the
answer can be applied to the question.

'Well then, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?'
St Peter went on, 'how many seconds in a year?'

The Blonde replied, 'Twelve!'

'Only twelve?' exclaimed St Peter, 'How did you arrive at that figure?'

'Easy,' said the blonde, 'there's the second of January, the second of
February, right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve
seconds.'

St Peter looked at the blonde and said, 'I need some time to consider your
answer before I can give you a decision.' And he walked away shaking his
head.

A short time later, St Peter returned to the Blonde. 'I'll allow the answer
to stand, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely
correct to be allowed into Heaven. Now, can you tell me the answer to the
name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?'

The blonde replied: 'Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to
answer.'

'Really!' exclaimed St Peter, 'And what is the answer?'

'It's Andy.'

'Andy??'

'Yes, Andy,' said the blonde.

This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating
the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning
to the blonde, asked 'How in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?'

'Easy' said the blonde, 'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy
boiled.'

And the blonde entered Heaven...

 



_______________________



Home
is where the heart is!




Like 0      
24 Sep 2008 10:14 AM by leema Star rating in Washington Tyne & We.... 655 posts Send private message

Subject: The Centipede.

 

 

 


This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
 
After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, (100 leg bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
 
He took the box home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to Frank's place with me and have a beer?
 
But there was no answer from his new Pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, 'How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?'
 
But again there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time. This time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting,  'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me?
 
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS......
 
 
 
 
 
 
A little voice came out of the box: 'I heard you the first time!     I'm putting my f@#*&ing shoes on!'


 




_______________________

Maureen & Dennis

Coto Real




Like 0      
24 Sep 2008 10:03 PM by abbbb1 Star rating in Essex and Ciudad Que.... 306 posts Send private message

abbbb1´s avatar
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book,and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.  The man, who was a priest, said 'I am a Father.'The little boy replied 'My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that.'
The priest looked up from his book and answered 'I am the Father of many.' 
The boy said 'My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way'  The priest, getting impatient, said 'I am the Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book.
 
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,'maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.'
 

 



_______________________



Home
is where the heart is!




Like 0      
25 Sep 2008 8:21 AM by alancambs Star rating in Las Kalendas Fortuna. 134 posts Send private message

alancambs´s avatar

THE INDIAN WITH ONE TESTICLE
There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!' The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.' Onestone grabbed her, took he deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why?

 

 

 



OH, come on... take a guess!

 

 




Think about it

 

 





(You're going to love this!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 





You can't kill two birds with one stone!!





Like 0      
25 Sep 2008 2:10 PM by sandra Star rating in . 812 posts Send private message

sandra´s avatar

Ralph and Mary were sitting at the breakfast table one   morning when

Ralph suddenly said, 'Mary, if I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.'

'Now why would you want me to do something like that?' Mary
asked.

'I figure that you would eventually remarry, and I don't want
some other asshole using my stuff...' says Ralph.

Mary thoughtfully replies 'What makes you think I'd marry another asshole?'



_______________________

  

 

 

 

 




Like 0      
25 Sep 2008 2:14 PM by sandra Star rating in . 812 posts Send private message

sandra´s avatar

WOMAN'S ASS-SIZE STUDY

There is a new study about women and how
they feel about their asses...

 
The results were pretty interesting;
 
30% of women think their ass is too fat..
10% of women think their ass is too skinny..
 
 
The remaining 60% say they don't care,
they love him, he's a good man,
and they wouldn't trade him for the world.



_______________________

  

 

 

 

 




Like 0      
25 Sep 2008 10:39 PM by Kev K Star rating in Cork, Ireland, Olivi.... 141 posts Send private message

Kev K´s avatar



After a woman meets a man in a bar...

After a woman meets a man in a bar, they talk and end up leaving together. They get back to his flat, and as he's showing her around, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of them - all arranged in size, from the smallest on the shelves along the floor, to the huge daddy bears on the very top shelf. Although surprised, the woman decides not to mention this to him. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks smiling, "How was it?", "Well," says the man, frowning. "You can have any prize from the bottom shelf."



_______________________
   Kev & Jess    



Like 0      
27 Sep 2008 12:57 PM by abbbb1 Star rating in Essex and Ciudad Que.... 306 posts Send private message

abbbb1´s avatar
WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ              

(Passing requires 4 correct answers) 



1) How long did the Hundred Years' War last?


2) Which country makes Panama hats?


3) From which animal do we get cat gut?


4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?


5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?


6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?


7) What was King George VI's first name?


8) What colour is a purple finch?


9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?


10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
 
 


Remember, you need 4 correct answers to pass.


Check your answers below
 . 








ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ


1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?    116 years


2) Which country makes Panama hats?     Ecuador


3) From which animal do we get cat gut?    Sheep and Horses


4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?    November


5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?    Squirrel fur


6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?    Dogs


7) What was King George VI's first name?    Albert


8) What colour is a purple finch?    Crimson


9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?     New Zealand


10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?    Orange (of course)
 




_______________________



Home
is where the heart is!




Like 0      
27 Sep 2008 1:39 PM by andenca Star rating in London. 44 posts Send private message

Two elderly gentlement   (in their 90s) living in a old peoples home were sitting on a bench in the garden. 

One  of them said: "I feel terrible, every joint hurts, I can't hardly walk, my body is giving up on me",   "what about you".

The other one replies: "I feel like a new born baby"!   "I don't have any hair, I don't have any teeth and I just wet myself!"



Like 0      
29 Sep 2008 8:13 PM by abbbb1 Star rating in Essex and Ciudad Que.... 306 posts Send private message

abbbb1´s avatar
I've just received this one - and thought that I would share it!!

Happy IVGLDSW Day!

196112.jpgToday is Internat iona l Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking, Damn Smart Woman! And remember this motto to live by: Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, margarita in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO what a ride!'
Have a wonderful day !
To the Girls !!
196131.gif
Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the hell happened.

- Cora Harvey Armstrong-


196140.gif
Inside me lives a skinny woman crying to get out. But I can usually shut her up with cookies.
(Unknown)


196150.gif
The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.
-Helen Hayes (at 73)-


196160.gif
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.
- Janette Barber-


19616f.gif
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first one being -- hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
- Erma Bombeck -


19617f.gif
Old age ain't no place for sissies.
-Bette Davis-


19618f.gif
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.
- Caryn Leschen -


19619e.gif
If you can't be a good example -- then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.
-Catherine-
1961ae.gif
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

- Roseanne Barr-


1961bd.gif
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
- Maryon Pearson-


1961cd.gif
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission.
-Eleanor Roosevelt-


Send this to five bright women you know and make their day.

1961cd.jpg
When life hands you lemons, ask for tequila and salt and call me over!
 
 
 



_______________________



Home
is where the heart is!




Like 0      
29 Sep 2008 8:21 PM by Candyfloss Star rating in Cardiff / Mar Menor. 1605 posts Send private message

Candyfloss´s avatar

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,  FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!'

THEN THE WIFE ASKS, 'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

'FINE!' SHE SAYS 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW'
WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS................

HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
HALL LIGHT IS WORKING AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?' SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.  HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

HE SAID, 'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'
SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'





Like 0      
29 Sep 2008 11:06 PM by andenca Star rating in London. 44 posts Send private message

Three children are all boasting about great things their dads did.

The first one said: "my father built the Empire State Building"!

And the second: "well, my dad, built the Eiffel Tower".

The third one did not know any other big buildings so, he asked them ?do you know the Dead Sea?  Well, my father killed it!!



Like 0      
03 Oct 2008 12:30 AM by foxbat Star rating in Granada. 1112 posts Send private message

foxbat´s avatar

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment, then says:

"Where's my toast ?"



_______________________

http://www.facebook.com/ruido.blanco.773

 




Like 0      
05 Oct 2008 9:50 PM by Karensun Star rating in Orihuela Costa. 1474 posts Send private message

Karensun´s avatar
** EDITED - Please keep jokes clean **

_______________________
  ' Do unto others as you would be done by'
   
         Now a non-smoker !  



Like 0      
08 Oct 2008 4:01 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

lewjan62´s avatar
HOW SMART IS YOUR RIGHT FOOT?

You have to try this, it takes 2 seconds. I could not believe this! It
is from an orthopedic
surgeon............ This will boggle your mind and you will keep you
trying over and over
again to see if you can outsmart your foot, but, you can't. It's
pre-programmed in your
brain!

1. Without anyone watching you (they will think you are GOOFY......) and
while sitting at
your desk in front of your computer, lift your right foot off the floor
and make clockwise
circles.

2. Now, while doing this, draw the number '6' in the air with your right
hand. Your foot
will change direction. I told you so!!! And there's nothing you can do
about it! You and I
both know how stupid it is, but before the day is done you are going to
try it again, if
you've not already done so.



_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



Like 0      

Pages: Previous | ... | 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53 | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | ... | Next |



This thread is currently locked.


Previous Threads

Wages - 1 posts
Warning! I do not recommend Ocean Estates - 100 posts
Information on La Marina Urbanisation - 3 posts
Want to sell your property! - 0 posts
JUSTIN ALDRIDGE - EOS MEET UPS - 11 posts
Mother & toddler groups - 2 posts
Police Warning - 2 posts
Deposit contract - 12 posts
New Photos - 18 posts
beach property in murcia - 12 posts
Chiropractor needed - 13 posts
When the plans changed (Brisas Del Mar) - 0 posts
Mimosa Beach Gardens - 27 posts
** EDITED ** - 2 posts
Anyone from Staffordshire or Cheshire? - 1 posts
Mijas area, Costa Del Sol - 3 posts
Renting out - 1 posts
Spanish Mortgages - high set up costs? - 5 posts
Spanish Wills - 4 posts
Interesting website.. Professional pilots chatting to each other. - 13 posts
security grills - 11 posts
water boilers - 12 posts
Easyjet £5 extra APD Tax - 40 posts
EURO RATE - 15 posts
Compleaños Feliz Justin - 6 posts

Number of posts in this thread: 1395

DISCLAIMER:  All opinions posted on these message boards are the opinion solely of the poster and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of Eye on Spain, its servants or agents.


1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53 | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 | 61 | 62 | 63 | 64 | 65 | 66 | 67 | 68 | 69 | 70 |
Our Weekly Email Digest
Name:
Email:


This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse you are agreeing to our use of cookies. More information here. x