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11 Feb 2007 7:35 PM by thehalls Star rating in Lomas de Cabo Roig, .... 47 posts Send private message

BLACK PANTIES 
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was 
constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world. 
Finally, Anna said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. 
 
Her daughter immediately replied, "Mum! I have someone for you to 
meet." 
 
Well, it was an immediate hit. 
They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked
her to join him for a weekend in Vermont. Their first night there, she 
undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black 
lacy panties; he was in his birthday suit. 
 
Looking her over, he asked, "Why the black panties?"
She replied:
"My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but 
down there I am still in mourning." He knew he was not getting lucky 
that night. 
 
The following night was the same; she stood there wearing the black 
panties, and he was in his birthday suit--but now he was wearing a 
black condom. She looked at him and asked: "What's with the black 
condom?" 
He replied, "I want to offer my deepest condolences"



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11 Feb 2007 8:22 PM by Lauryc Star rating in Was South Devon .. n.... 520 posts Send private message

Lauryc´s avatar
Duties of Wives!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new
wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his
wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a
couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the
dishes were all washed and put away.


Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his
wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He
told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it
was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and
he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Teesside girl. He boasted that he told her that
her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and
ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the
table for every meal.





He said the first day he didn't see anything,






the second day he didn't see anything,











but by the third day.......











most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left
eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a
handyman.




_______________________

Laury




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12 Feb 2007 2:22 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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12 Feb 2007 2:28 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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12 Feb 2007 2:36 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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12 Feb 2007 2:37 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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12 Feb 2007 4:11 PM by Smiley Star rating in San Pedro de Alcanta.... 2502 posts Send private message

Smiley´s avatar

The Password:
A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the
appropriate time in the process, told him he would now need to enter a
password. Something he would use to log-on. Her husband was in a rather
amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to
his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password,
he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:
>
>
>P...
>
>
>E...
>
>
>N...
>
>
>I...
>
>
>S...
>

 

 

 

 

>
>His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied...

 

 

 

 

>PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG


_______________________

Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com  www.marbellamortgages.com   www.comparetravelcash.co.uk




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12 Feb 2007 4:23 PM by Smiley Star rating in San Pedro de Alcanta.... 2502 posts Send private message

Smiley´s avatar
>> >>>>
>> >>>> A first-grade teacher, Ms Anna (Age 22 ) was having trouble with
>> oneof
>> >>>> her
>> >>>> students.
>> >>>>
>> >>>> The teacher asked the boy, "what is your problem?"
>> >>>>
>> >>>> The boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is
>> in
>> >>>> the
>> >>>> third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
>> >>>> third-grade too!"
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Ms Anna had enough. She took the boy to the Principal's office.
>> While
>> >>>> the
>> >>>> boy waited at the reception of the office, the teacher explained
>> to
>> >>>> the
>> >>>> principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Anna he
>> would
>> >>>> give
>> >>>> the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he
>> was
>> >>>> to go
>> >>>> back to the first-grade and behave and so she agreed.
>> >>>>
>> >>>> The boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him
>> and he
>> >>>> agreed to take the test.
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Boy: "9".
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Boy: "36".
>> >>>>
>> >>>> And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-
>> grade
>> >>>> should know. The principal looks at Ms Anna and tells her, "I
>> think
>> >>>> Boy can
>> >>>> go to the third-grade."
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Ms Anna says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions,
>> can I
>> >>>> ask
>> >>>> him ?" The principal and Boy both agree.
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Ms Anna asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
>> of?
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Boy., after a moment "Legs."
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Ms Anna: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Boy.: "Pockets."
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Ms Anna: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
>> >>>> delicious
>> >>>> and contains thin whitish liquid?
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Boy.: Coconut
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Ms Anna: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
>> >>>>
>> >>>> The Principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the
>> >>>> answer,
>> >>>> but the boy was taking charge.
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Boy.: Bubblegum
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Ms Anna: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down
>> and
>> >>>> a
>> >>>> dog does on three legs? The Principal's eyes open really wide and
>> >>>> before he
>> >>>> could stop the answer...
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Boy.: Shake hands
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Ms Anna: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Boy.: Yep.
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Ms Anna: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me
>> up.
>> >>>> I get wet before you do.
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Boy.: Tent
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Ms Anna: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're
>> bored.
>> >>>> The
>> >>>> best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a
>> bit
>> >>>> tense and took one large Vodka peg.
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Boy.: Wedding Ring
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Ms Anna: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you
>> >>>> blow me,
>> >>>> you feel good.
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Boy.: Nose
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Ms Anna: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a
>> >>>> quiver.
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Boy.: Arrow
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means
>> lot of
>> >>>> heat
>> >>>> and excitement?
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Boy.: Firetruck
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Ms Anna: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't
>> get
>> >>>> it u
>> >>>> have to use ur hand.
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Boy.: Fork
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Ms Anna: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some
>> men
>> >>>> than
>> >>>> on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife
>> >>>> after
>> >>>> they're married?
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Boy.: SURNAME
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Ms Anna: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has
>> lots of
>> >>>> veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
>> >>>>
>> >>>> Boy.: HEART.
>> >>>>
>> >>>> *The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
>> >>>> "Send
>> >>>> this boy to Stanford University , I got the last ten questions
>> wrong
>> >>>> myself!"*
>> >>>>
>> >>>>

_______________________

Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com  www.marbellamortgages.com   www.comparetravelcash.co.uk




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13 Feb 2007 3:55 PM by Smiley Star rating in San Pedro de Alcanta.... 2502 posts Send private message

Smiley´s avatar
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school
diploma to fix one.  Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our
jobs.


After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet,"
which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.  The mechanics
correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots
review the gripe sheets before the next flight.  Never let it be said that
ground crews lack a sense of humor.  Here are some actual maintenance
complaints submitted by Qantas ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions
the recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.


By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an
accident.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit.


P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what friction locks are for.


P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.


And the best one for last..................


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding

on something with a hammer.

S: Took hammer away from midget

_______________________

Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com  www.marbellamortgages.com   www.comparetravelcash.co.uk




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13 Feb 2007 6:36 PM by TechNoApe Star rating in Duquesa, Manilva. 1277 posts Send private message

Vip Supporter

TechNoApe´s avatar

Watch out for this new film available from your local 'lookey-lookey' man:


_______________________

www.andalucianstyle.com

Me, the Mrs and Rosie too! But we'll never, ever forget our Tyler!

We support AAA Abandoned Animals Marbella - Do you?




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13 Feb 2007 6:43 PM by TechNoApe Star rating in Duquesa, Manilva. 1277 posts Send private message

Vip Supporter

TechNoApe´s avatar

I think this may be a good reason for having a Spanish property ...


_______________________

www.andalucianstyle.com

Me, the Mrs and Rosie too! But we'll never, ever forget our Tyler!

We support AAA Abandoned Animals Marbella - Do you?




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14 Feb 2007 6:08 PM by Roberto Star rating in Torremolinos. 4551 posts Send private message

Roberto´s avatar

Happy Valentine's day........

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.

Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't
feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to
hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for
me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for
who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one
to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each
outfit."

We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of
diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have
thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was
testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even
know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She
was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is
all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't
feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
"WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.
You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to
satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I
added,"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I
buy  you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch
knows I'm smarter than her.




_______________________

 

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please"

Mark Twain

 

 

 




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14 Feb 2007 10:10 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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15 Feb 2007 1:39 AM by patman Star rating in Chester and Los Alca.... 84 posts Send private message

patman´s avatar
Jan and all, I don't know where you get them from but they are great! I have been sat here tonight tears rolling down my face and trying not to laugh too loud so that I don't disturb er upstairs! If I find any good un's I will definitely post em...

_______________________
may the farce be with you



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15 Feb 2007 3:04 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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15 Feb 2007 1:09 PM by Pitby Star rating in Andalucía. 1904 posts Send private message

15 Feb 2007 1:14 PM by Pitby Star rating in Andalucía. 1904 posts Send private message

15 Feb 2007 1:23 PM by Pitby Star rating in Andalucía. 1904 posts Send private message

Pitby´s avatar
Two guys sitting in the office chatting when this girl passes them going to the toilet.

Guy says  " I think she's nice "

Guys mate  "well nip over and give her the patter "

Guy  "the patter ? "

Guys mate  " aye the patter "

Guy  " I don't know any patter I've never found it easy to talk to girls.

Guys Mate  "Fu*ks sake its easy. All you have to say is "hello" and she will say "hello".  Then say "it's a nice day isn't it?"  Then she will say " Yes it is ".  Then you say " but not half as nice as you"!  "Then she will say " Oh thank you ".    Then the patter will just flow"

Guys Mate  " look there she's coming back out , go and give it a go "

So nervously off he goes re-running the patter in his head he walks up and says " Hello "

She says " Hello "

He says " It's a nice day isn't it ? "

She says " Yes it is "

He says " but not half as nice as you "

She says " Oh thank you "

Few seconds of uneasy silence............




Then he says.........








"Been for a sh*t then ? "



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15 Feb 2007 2:47 PM by Pitby Star rating in Andalucía. 1904 posts Send private message

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I do hope this link works!  I thought this was hilarious, but then we are deprived of a bit of the old UK culture out here you know!!!


http://s174.photobucket.com/albums/w97/Pitby/?action=view¤t=runaway.flv


If you copy the link and paste it into your browser address, it does seem to work (have just tried it!!) - but it doesn't appear that you can just click on it!





This message was last edited by Pitby on 2/15/2007.



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15 Feb 2007 3:17 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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