JOKES PLEASE .. IN HERE

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05 Apr 2007 2:59 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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05 Apr 2007 1:43 PM by Mikenmandy Star rating in Dewsbury, Yorkshire .... 232 posts Send private message

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I work for UPS and yes I'm fed up. Suppose there should be a joke in there. Well there would be an in joke, Can't wait to be in Spain tomorrow

Mike




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05 Apr 2007 2:34 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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05 Apr 2007 2:39 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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05 Apr 2007 4:56 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

eric´s avatar

> SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
> What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
> Juan on Juan.
>
> What is the difference between a Harley Davidsonand a Hoover?
> The position of the dirt bag.
>
> Why is divorce so expensive?
> Because it's worth it.
>
>
>
> What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
> Doughnuts
>
>
>
> Why is air a lot like sex?
> Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any
>
> What do you call a smart blonde?
> A golden retriever.
>
> What do attorneys use for birth control?
> Their personalities
>
>
>
> What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
> 45 lbs
>
> What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
> 45 minutes
>
> Why do men want to marry virgins?
> They can't stand criticism.
>
> Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
> Because those men already have boyfriends.
>
> What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
> After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
>
> What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
> The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
>
> Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
> Because they have cotton balls.
>
> What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
> A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
>
> What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
> "Are you sure it's mine?"
>
>
>  
> Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
> Breasts don't have eyes.
>
> Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
> He walks around saying "Yo."
>
> Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
> Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
>
> Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
> A different bar.
>
> Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
> They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
>
> What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
> A speech impediment.
>
> What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
> They're hiring.
>
> What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
> A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
>
> How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
> Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
>
> What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
> A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
> A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this s....t"
>
> Why is there no Disneyland in China?
> No one is tall enough to ride the rides
>
>

-----------------------------------------

_______________________



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05 Apr 2007 5:01 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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05 Apr 2007 9:52 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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05 Apr 2007 10:48 PM by Smiley Star rating in San Pedro de Alcanta.... 2502 posts Send private message

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15 sailors captured for straying into Iranian waters. 14 men and 1 woman. Doesnt take a genius to work out who was reading the bloody map does it!!

_______________________

Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com  www.marbellamortgages.com   www.comparetravelcash.co.uk




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05 Apr 2007 10:53 PM by leema Star rating in Washington Tyne & We.... 655 posts Send private message

Just seen that one further down the board, some were not happy about it, but must say I found it funny.




03 Apr 2007 11:36 AM

JC1
Adosado

JC1´s avatar

Location: Manchester and La Duquesa

Posts: 217

Send private message 15 sailors captured for straying into Iranian waters.

14 men and 1 woman. It doesn't take a genius to work out who was reading the map, does it!!

( not PC i know)



_______________________

Regards

 John


 The Golfer with the Fastest Cart never has a bad Lie

_______________________

Maureen & Dennis

Coto Real




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05 Apr 2007 10:56 PM by hobby Star rating in Hertfordshire/Estepo.... 155 posts Send private message

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Sorry smiley mate, bit slow on that one, JC1 posted it 3rd April - caused a bit of a hoo -ha too, dont want that kicking off again !!!!

Hobby




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05 Apr 2007 10:58 PM by hobby Star rating in Hertfordshire/Estepo.... 155 posts Send private message

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Ah leema - you beat me to it, all fingers & thumbs, usually get the missus to do it for me!

Hobby

 




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05 Apr 2007 11:14 PM by babe Star rating. 177 posts Send private message

why do ugly people get drunk             so they can have sex                                                                                                              

Q whats the odd one out  credit card ........man .......dildo              A  credit card cos its plastic and fantastic           

 




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05 Apr 2007 11:15 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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06 Apr 2007 11:01 AM by pedyer Star rating in Bristol, England / B.... 83 posts Send private message

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A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to LA."The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear. She immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."

_______________________
 



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06 Apr 2007 6:44 PM by Roberto Star rating in Torremolinos. 4551 posts Send private message

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Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.

 Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

 Between 31 and 35, a woman is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

 Between 36 and 40, a woman is like France, gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.

 Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and all conquering past.

 Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Yugoslavia, lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.

 Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Russia, very wide with borders now un-patrolled.

 After 70, she becomes Tibet.  Wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages...only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.

 

             The Geography of Men

 Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran.  Ruled by a prick.


_______________________

 

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please"

Mark Twain

 

 

 




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06 Apr 2007 7:07 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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06 Apr 2007 9:17 PM by eric Star rating in redcar uk/sierra gol.... 263 posts Send private message

eric´s avatar

>
>             We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where:
>
>             :) means a smile and
>
>             :( is a frown.
>
>             Sometimes these are represented by
>
>             :-)
>
>             :-(
>
>             Well, how about some "ASSICONS?"
>             Here goes:
>
>
>             (_!_) a regular ass
>
>
>
>             (__!__) a fat ass
>
>
>
>             (!) a tight ass
>
>
>
>             (_*_) a sore ass
>
>
>
>             {_!_} a swishy ass
>
>
>
>             (_o_) an ass that's been around
>             (_x_) kiss my ass
>
>
>
>             (_X_) leave my ass alone
>
>
>
>             (_zzz_) a tired ass
>
>
>
>             (_E=mc2_) a smart ass
>
>
>
>             (_$_) Money coming out of his ass
>
>
>
>             (_?_) Dumb Ass
>
>
>             You have just been e-mooned! Send
>
>             this to 5 people within the next hour and you will be blessed with people laughing at your e-mail.
>
>             This is NOT a chain letter, so if you don't mail it out, you won't have bad luck. (But who wouldn't want to
>
>             e-Moon a friend?)
>
>

_______________________



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07 Apr 2007 11:03 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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07 Apr 2007 11:04 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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07 Apr 2007 11:10 AM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

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This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



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