JOKES PLEASE .. IN HERE

This thread is currently locked.

:: New - Old :: Old - New

Pages: Previous | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | ... | Next |

Forum home :: Latest threads :: Search forums
The Comments
29 Jan 2007 1:37 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

lewjan62´s avatar

Chinese Proverbs:

 Passionate kiss like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.

 Virginity like bubble, one prick all gone.

 Man who run in front of car get tired.

 Man who run behind car get exhausted.

 Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

 Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.

 Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.

 Man with one chopstick go hungry.

 Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails.

 Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

 Baseball is wrong, man with four balls cannot walk.

 Panties not best thing on earth but next to best thing on earth.

 War doesn't determine who is right, war determines who is left.

 Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

 Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

 It take many nails to build crib but one screw to fill it.

 Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

 Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

 Man who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.

 Man who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.

 Crowded elevator smells different to midget.

 Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

 Man who go to sleep with itchy bum wake up with smelly finger.

 Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

 Pretty girl who sits on Judge's lap soon gets honorable discharge.


_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



Like 0      
29 Jan 2007 1:46 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar


This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



Like 0      
29 Jan 2007 1:51 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

lewjan62´s avatar

I always read them Janice so keep up the good work!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. For example…

 One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me." 

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

 "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

 She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

 Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."

 We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

 I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

 I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, "WHAT?"

 I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

 And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

 Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least she knows I'm smarter than her.


_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



Like 0      
29 Jan 2007 1:54 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar


This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



Like 0      
29 Jan 2007 1:57 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar


This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



Like 0      
29 Jan 2007 3:29 PM by jfj Star rating in Vera, Almería. 142 posts Send private message

jfj´s avatar
Janice,

I always read the jokes and enjoy them. Smiley's post this morning just happened to really make me laugh, so I posted. I enjoy all your jokes too, but I couldn't possibly comment on each one. Keep posting them though, I do enjoy them!

jfj



Like 0      
29 Jan 2007 3:34 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar


This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



Like 0      
29 Jan 2007 3:51 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar


This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



Like 0      
29 Jan 2007 3:57 PM by jfj Star rating in Vera, Almería. 142 posts Send private message

jfj´s avatar
I've no jokes to share Janice...sorry! If I come across a good one, I'll post it.

By the way, I'm female.



Like 0      
29 Jan 2007 4:22 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar



This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



Like 0      
29 Jan 2007 4:45 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

lewjan62´s avatar

never tried pasting an image on this site.

did it come out cos it was all gobbledegook my end!!


_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



Like 0      
29 Jan 2007 4:56 PM by Smiley Star rating in San Pedro de Alcanta.... 2502 posts Send private message

Smiley´s avatar
Hi Janice - all your jokes are triffic but I just dont think we can all keep up with you - still keep em coming. Lewjan thanks for sticking up for us MERE males - heard it before but it was a corker.  

_______________________

Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com  www.marbellamortgages.com   www.comparetravelcash.co.uk




Like 0      
29 Jan 2007 4:58 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar



This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



Like 0      
29 Jan 2007 5:02 PM by Smiley Star rating in San Pedro de Alcanta.... 2502 posts Send private message

Smiley´s avatar
Hi Janice the ratio of emphasis of what men think about is entirely wrong - it is sex all of the time - all of the other items are like a sub plot in a book but sex is the primary thought 100% of the time and all of the other things are simply incidentals - that is why we come from Mars.

_______________________

Smiley - patrick@marbellamortgages.com  www.marbellamortgages.com   www.comparetravelcash.co.uk




Like 0      
29 Jan 2007 5:04 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

lewjan62´s avatar

maybe it takes time to connect....  cos i can see my smiley now which was for you Janice.

I will keep practising but you are a bit of an expert!!!!!

 


_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



Like 0      
29 Jan 2007 5:10 PM by EOS Team Star rating in In Spain of course!. 4015 posts Send private message

EOS Team´s avatar
lewjan62....actually I corrected it for you!  I'm afraid you didn't quite get it right.  Sorry!

_______________________

Schools in Spain Guide | The Expat Files | Learn Spanish | Earn a living in Spain




Like 0      
29 Jan 2007 5:11 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

lewjan62´s avatar

a little something helpful for you Smiley (and the other chaps) 

 

Understanding a Woman

 

We need      REALLY MEANS     I want
 

 

You want   REALLY MEANS   You need
 

 

It's your decision    REALLY MEANS   The correct decision should be obvious by now.
 

 

We need to talk   REALLY MEANS   I need to complain
 

 

Do what you want    REALLY MEANS    You'll pay for this later.
 

 

You're ... so manly    REALLY MEANS     You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
 

 

Sure... go ahead    REALLY MEANS   I don't want you to.
 

 

I'm not upset    REALLY MEANS    Of course I'm upset, you moron!
 

 

You're certainly attentive tonight.    REALLY MEANS   Is sex all you ever think about?
 

 

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting!     REALLY MEANS      I'm on my period.
 

 

Be romantic, turn out the lights.     REALLY MEANS     I'm Embarrassed
 

 

This kitchen is so inconvenient       REALLY MEANS     I want a new house.
 

 

You have to learn to communicate.    REALLY MEANS    Just agree with me.
 

 

Yes   REALLY MEANS    No
 

 

No   REALLY MEANS    No
 

 

Maybe    REALLY MEANS    No
 

 

I heard a noise    REALLY MEANS    I noticed you were almost asleep.
 

 

Do you love me?    REALLY MEANS    I'm going to ask for something expensive.
 

 

How much do you love me?    REALLY MEANS    I did something you're not going to like.
 

 

I'll be ready in a minute.    REALLY MEANS    Be patient I'll be a while.
 

 

Am I a little fat?    REALLY MEANS    Tell me I'm beautiful.
 

 

I'm sorry.    REALLY MEANS    You'll be sorry.
 

 

Do you like this recipe?    REALLY MEANS    It's easy to fix, so get used to it.
 

 

Was that the baby?    REALLY MEANS    Why don't you wake up and deal with the baby.
 

 

I'm not yelling!    REALLY MEANS    Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
 

 

All we're going to buy is a soap dish    REALLY MEANS    Major shopping trip.  Did you bring your chequebook?

 


_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



Like 0      
29 Jan 2007 5:16 PM by lewjan62 Star rating in West Sussex / Casare.... 134 posts Send private message

lewjan62´s avatar
thanks Justin. Any hints on what I did wrong?

_______________________
Jan   www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk  



Like 0      
29 Jan 2007 5:21 PM by JeansSis Star rating. 2376 posts Send private message

JeansSis´s avatar


This message was last edited by JeansSis on 5/18/2007.



Like 0      
29 Jan 2007 5:22 PM by Roberto Star rating in Torremolinos. 4551 posts Send private message

Roberto´s avatar

I know what you're thinking right now, Smiley.....

 

 

 


_______________________

 

"Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please"

Mark Twain

 

 

 




Like 0      

Pages: Previous | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | ... | Next |



This thread is currently locked.


Previous Threads

Wages - 1 posts
Warning! I do not recommend Ocean Estates - 100 posts
Information on La Marina Urbanisation - 3 posts
Want to sell your property! - 0 posts
JUSTIN ALDRIDGE - EOS MEET UPS - 11 posts
Mother & toddler groups - 2 posts
Police Warning - 2 posts
Deposit contract - 12 posts
New Photos - 18 posts
beach property in murcia - 12 posts
Chiropractor needed - 13 posts
When the plans changed (Brisas Del Mar) - 0 posts
Mimosa Beach Gardens - 27 posts
** EDITED ** - 2 posts
Anyone from Staffordshire or Cheshire? - 1 posts
Mijas area, Costa Del Sol - 3 posts
Renting out - 1 posts
Spanish Mortgages - high set up costs? - 5 posts
Spanish Wills - 4 posts
Interesting website.. Professional pilots chatting to each other. - 13 posts
security grills - 11 posts
water boilers - 12 posts
Easyjet £5 extra APD Tax - 40 posts
EURO RATE - 15 posts
Compleaños Feliz Justin - 6 posts

Number of posts in this thread: 1395

DISCLAIMER:  All opinions posted on these message boards are the opinion solely of the poster and do not necessarily reflect the opinion of Eye on Spain, its servants or agents.


1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53 | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 | 61 | 62 | 63 | 64 | 65 | 66 | 67 | 68 | 69 | 70 |
Our Weekly Email Digest
Name:
Email:


This site uses cookies. By continuing to browse you are agreeing to our use of cookies. More information here. x