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> An Irish lad has got 500,000.
>
>
> Chris Tarrant (who wants to be a millionire) asks him the big
question.
> For a million quid.
>
>
> "Paddy, for 1million, who was the great train robber?
>
>
> Was it,
> A, Ronnie Barker...
> B, Ronnie O'Sullivan...
> C, Ronnie Corbett or..was it
> D, Ronnie Biggs???"
>
>
> Paddy say's..."Oi'll take de money please Chris"
>
>
> Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.
>
>
> Paddy again say's.."Nope, Oi'll take de money please Chris"
>
>
> "You don't want to phone a friend?" says Chris.
>
>
> "No t'anks, Oi'll take de money - foinal answer"
>
>
> "OK" says Chris, looking bemused "give him a round of applause
ladies
> and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with 500,000. However before you
> go,you'll obviously want to know what the answer was Paddy?"
>
>
> Paddy said "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks
Chris"
>
>
> "You knew it anyway!....are you mad!!!" asks Chris, "Are you
mental?"
>
>
> Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris....but Oi'm no grass!
>
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: > The Funeral Procession...> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>> >>
You're going to love this
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when
he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby>
cemetery A long black hearse was followed by a second
long black
hearse and about 50 feet behind the second hearse was a solitary
man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short
distance back, there were about 200 men walking single file.>
Unable to control his curiosity, he respectfully approached the
man> walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and
I know> now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a
funeral like this
Whose funeral is it?"The man walking with the dog said, "My
wife
is in the first hearse."What happened to her?"The
man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her."Well, who is
in the second hearse?"The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She
was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two
men.
Can I borrow the dog?""Get in line."
> >>> >>>>>
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One for the Golfing fraterity:
Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part ofIreland.
The pump attendant, who knows nothing about golf or Tiger, says, "top o' the mornin' to yer, sir". Tiger nods and bends to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, 2 tees fall out of his shirt pocket.
"What are those?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees, there're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Bloody hell," says the irishman, "BMW think of everything!".
This message was last edited by hillwood on 8/2/2007.This message was last edited by hillwood on 8/2/2007.
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Be gora be jesus lads, whats wit all de Oirsh jokes? Be the hoki, you wud swear all us Oirish spoke like leprechauns eh?
But, to be sure to be sure, us Oirish do have a great sence of humour.
What do ya think of this one?
An English (Or Welsh or Scottish!!!) 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said
"Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old (Irish?)
bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began.
"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never
misses a season.
One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and
accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at
the water's edge.
He realised he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at
the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went
'bang,bang'.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said,
"If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into
that beaver."
The doctor replied, "My point exactly"
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*********************************
Wife: "I wish I was a newspaper, so that you could hold me every
morning!"
Husband: " Me too, my dear, so that I can have a NEW ONE every
morning
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THIS SOUNDS LIKE ME AFTER A DRINK OR TWO OR THREE OR MORE!!!!!!
cdn uolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
p! haonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy,
it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm.
Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! if
you can raed tihs psas it on !!
Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs.
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ONE Recently, when I went to McDonald's I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets. I asked for a half dozen nuggets. "We don't have half dozen nuggets," said the teenager at the counter. "You don't?" I replied "We only have six, nine, or twelve," was the reply. "So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?" "That's right." So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets
TWO I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those "dividers" that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the "divider", looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code she said to me, "Do you know how much this is?" I said to her "I've changed my mind, I don't think I'll buy that today." She said "OK," and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened.
THREE A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM "thingy."
FOUR I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote thingy," she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, "Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk."
FIVE Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five "blank" copies.
SIX I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the "cruise control" and then went in the back to make a sandwich.
SEVEN My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"
EIGHT Police in Radnor , Pa , interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and con necting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.
NINE A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and it should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency room!
Life is tough .
It's tougher if you're stupid
"Smile, it will increase your face value
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The Golden Years
An elderly couple was attending church one morning . About halfway
through she leans over and says to her husband, "I just let out a silent
fart.
What do you think I should do?"
He replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
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SMART ARSED ANSWER.............. 6th Place
It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane:
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked.
the man seated in the front row.
"What are my choices?" the man asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
*********************************************************
SMART ARSED ANSWER...................... 5th Place
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without blinking an eyelid she said,
"Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub!"
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SMART ARSED ANSWER......................... 4th Place
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at a branch of Sainsbury's store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a passing assistant,
"Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The assistant replied, "I'm afraid not, they're dead!"
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SMART ARSED ANSWER............................... 3rd Place
The policeman got out of his car and the boy racer he stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the bobby said.
The kid replied,
"Yes, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
******************************************************8
SMART ARSED ANSWER..................................... 2nd Place
A lorry driver was driving along on a country road.
A sign came up that read " Low Bridge Ahead."
Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it..
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up.
The policeman got out of his car and walked to the lorry's cab and said to the driver, "Got stuck, eh?"
The lorry driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of petrol!"
************************************************
SMART ARSED ANSWER OF THE YEAR..................... 2007
A teacher at a polytechnic college reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final
exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury,
illness, or a death in your immediate family,
but that's it, no other excuses.............
whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed chappie at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What
would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and
utter sexual
exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering.
When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shookher head and sweetly said,
"Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with
your other hand!"
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NTL remind me of another company that i know, but for the life of me i cant think of their name!!!!!!!!!!!!
: Fw: Complaint Letter of the Year!
Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint
letter
of the year...have a laugh and
read on.
Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words....
A
real-life customer complaint
letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for
your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During
this
three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I
had
not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity
of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific
details,
so that you can either pursue your professional perogative, and seek
to
rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you
can
have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working
day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my
spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your
technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57
minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more
annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful
website....HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few
minutes
- an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly
adept.
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later,
although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -
such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem
had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem
arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for
it.
I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours
between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am
still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my
mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to
a
variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly
skilled bollock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone
will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows
whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off);
that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an
answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will
be
transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating
Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least
a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one
of
those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I
don't
care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's
in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me,
therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of
godawful
customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more
disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service
to
their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there
isn't
anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered
to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless
shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of
distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant
beacons
of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless
inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and
foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest
that
the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed
to
deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity
and
disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused
rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my
cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt
for
both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have
not
become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the
time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you
did
not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider
them
the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless
employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you
irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John
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Heres another 'funny' Irish joke....
"Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?" asked the Irishman, walking
up to the counter. The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you
Irish?"
"If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was
Italian"? Demanded the Irishman indignantly.
"Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?" Then, warming to his theme, he went on:
"Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was
Jewish?
"Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican?
Would Ya?
Would Ya?"
The assistant said: "Well no".
Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, the Irishman steps it
up a gear.
"And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French"?
"What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish?"
"Well no, I probably wouldn't," conceded the assistant.
So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says,
"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked
for Irish sausages?"
The assistant replied: "Because you're in f***ing Homebase!"
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A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," he said with admiration.
"Thanks" the little girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer and noticed that the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to her cat's testicles.
"Little Partner," the firefighter said, "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."
The girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right sir, but then I wouldn't have a siren."
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