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Some weeks ago my lady had her purse stolen in a Chinese emporium. We duly reported it to the police, with the information that the emporium had CCTV installed. A couple of weeks later a very nice lady, who arrived in a taxi that waited outside for her, came with a letter instructing my wife to attend the Torremolinos Court as the police had identified and arrested three men and they had had a date set for trial. We went to Court yesterday. Drove there and parked in a pay and park car park right next to the courthouse. Before entering the court my wife and I were electronically 'buzzed' by the two Guardia Civil officers on duty at the entrance, after my wife had shown them her court summons and her passport. We then came to a waiting room where a number of bored looking people sat. There were two doors leading off from the waiting room, on entering one we were waved away by a crusty old lady. So we entered the second corridor off which a number of open doors all with the Spanish word for 'Lawyer' on them. After no joy with all the rooms we entered the last one and two women stood talking by a window. After a few minutes, which seems longer when you're waiting, one of the women, having finished her conversation with her colleague, tiredly beckoned us over. My wife handed her the letter, and the woman told us in Spanish that we were to take a seat in the waiting room, and a translator from Malaga would be requested. We sat in the waiting room for over an hour, and then an English speaking lady informed us that the three men had not turned up. She said they had probably returned to their own countries, and if the police did manage to apprehend them we would be informed of a new court appearance date. We got up early that day, wasted a morning, paid for diesel for my 4 x 4, and paid 5€ for the pleasure of parking whilst waiting. There is no lesson to be learned from this, because if it happens again we have to go through the whole routine a second time....or maybe a third time.......or maybe a.........

We have two dogs close by that bark incessantly from around 8 in the morning until the owners arrive home about 8pm. They sometimes even bark after that. Complaints about the dogs falls on 'deaf' ears (Excuse the pun!) as the owner is a member of the Guardia Civil, and the President of the Community and the local council are afraid of the consequences to them if they cause a fuss.

A Canadian friend of ours was ejected from the local ice rink yesterday. Apparently they took exception when he cut a round hole in the ice and tried to start fishing.

A survey in the USA apparently shows that two out of three women have had sex with someone in their office. When I was there I couldn't even get the toner cartridge into the blasted copier!!

Here's a tip to save money. Don't take any shirts to the dry cleaners, because they charge £2.95. Take them to the local charity shop and wait. They'll get them cleaned, and then you can buy them from the shop for a pound. Thus saving yourself nearly two quid.

I remember when my first child was born, a lovely little boy. I held him in my arms and gently stroked his head and kissed him, it was a moment I'll savour for the rest of my life. My wife, in the background, meanwhile muttered, "If you ever come near me again so help me God I'll stick the carving knife in you!"

My wife, just before we got married, said, "I'm worried that after we're married a beautiful girl will come along and you'll forget all about me". I told her, "No way darling. I'll write you once a week without fail". I still have the scar, just above my left eye.

Just before my divorce from my first wife, we were laying in bed reminiscing. I said to her "Do you remember those balmy nights on the lake? We were so in love, happy, and silly. I drank champagne from your shoe..........three litres of it. It would have been more, but you were wearing inner soles."

Everyone says that looks don't matter, that age doesn't matter, and that money doesn't matter. Have you ever seen an ancient old guy, ugly as sin, and broke, with a good looking young woman???

My third novel, a thriller, which is set in Norfolk, "The Wednesday Women" is now on sale in Jarrolds of Norwich, on Kindle, from Amazon UK, and in WH Smiths.

Placido Miercoles.

My lady and I went to the Myramar Cinesur last evening to see "The Conjuring". It was a horror, sorry horror film. No, I was right the first time, it was a horror. Remember the film "Amityville Horror" some years ago, which spawned a dozen very similar movies? Well, this is a carbon copy. Usual spooky effects and things moving ete etc etc etc. The one redeeming feature was the fact that the special effects were good. We paid 18€ for the two of us, I could have bought 18 buckets of golf balls at the local driving range with that money, and consider that that would have been better value !

According to the press here the new La Cala speed trap, with no warnings of its position, has 'caught' 7000 drivers since it was put up two weeks ago. I'm sure the police are very happy with their new money earner....

Good to see England doing so well at the cricket. For myself I have always considered cricket to be organised loafing!  An American I know reckons cricket is basically baseball on Valium. He said the first time he watched a match he waited three hours for it to start.  Still, for Brits it's an institution, I once saw an advert in The Times, it read: ' Wanted Curate for country parish, slow left-arm bowler preferred'. 

I see that the UK Government has reneged on making BAT and the other tobacco manufacturers have plain packaging on their filthy products. I do so hope that none of the cabinet see any of their children getting hooked on cigarettes, and watching them die a slow lingering death in hospital as they fill buckets with their lung discharges as I had to do with my poor father. In his day it was fashionable to smoke, they even told him and his peers it was good for them. Today there is no such excuse, and Cameron and his cronies, who put wealth and vested interests before all other considerations, ought to be ashamed of themselves. For every daft person who says 'my uncle Sid smoked 50 a day and lived to be a hundred and two', the medical profession can show you a million who died prematurely of smoking related diseases.

I went to get a key cut today at the local hardware store. It never ceases to amaze me that people who are good at cutting keys are also good at repairing shoes. It must be in the genes.....

Kids play at being all sorts of things, firemen, doctors, astronauts, etc but you never hear of one pretending to be an accountant do you? Similarly, I often think that Estate Agents are failed Used Car Salesmen.

My mother wanted my sister Molly, who turned 80 last Thursday, to become a nun. Her rationale was that it was steady work, she was married to God whom she knew would stay off of the drink, and would be home every night.

My latest released novel "The Wednesday Women" is just going into its second print, and I've completed over 90,000 words on the last book of the trilogy "The Saturday Pledge", I estimate I have about another 70,000 to go.

Apparently in Russia these days they only have 2 TV channels. Channel One is propaganda put out by Putin, and Channel Two just has a still picture of Putin and a caption that says, "Go back immediately to Channel One or the secret police will pay you a visit!"

On the subject of television, an American author whom I admire said he watched Norwegian TV once, it sort of gave him the sensation of being in a coma without all the worry and inconvenience.

Placido Domingo.

Well, I can honestly say that the summer is here on the CDS. Temperatures now regularly over 30 degrees, and the pool is my favourite parking spot.

Schwazenegger has a big one

Michael J. Fox has a small one

Madonna doesn't have one

The Pope has one but doesn't use it

Bill Clinton used his all the time

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one

George Burns' was hot

Liberace never used his on women

Jerry Seinfeld is very proud of his

We never saw Lucy use Desi's

WHAT IS IT?

The Answer?.............................A last name ! (Don't tell me you were thinking of something else?????!!!!)

Just got our electricity bill in, 295€ for 2 months. As we were away for 2 weeks in the UK I don't know if that's good or bad. We haven't had the aircon on either.

My lady and I, and two close friends, went to La Nina restaurant in the Plaza in Benalmadena Pueblo last evening for dinner. We enjoyed a really good meal (3 courses), some. but not a lot of alcohol, plus water and bread etc. The total with a 10% tip came to 110€, which, considering the excellent quality of the food and very good waiter service, was fantastic value we all thought. We recommend it.

As the shops here are all open for the next six weeks on Sundays we are going to spend some money today. In this good Catholic country Sundays are religiously observed by no shops opening except when the tourist season is upon us. One presumes that God has sanctioned this money making extra opening scenario. I scanned the Bible but couldn't see any mention of it....I must have missed it.....

I shall be on BBC Radio next week, on either Monday or Wednesday afternoon, being interviewed to publicise my new novel "The Wednesday Women" which is just out. This book is a crime thriller set in Norfolk.

Until next time,    Placido Domingo.

A new tax has just been introduced into Spain, one of many. It is a 20% deduction on any Lottery winnings over 2500€. This is yet another way to raise funds for a country that is still in deep financial poo poo. My hairdresser, who knows EVERYTHING about what's happening in Spain tells me that the Spanish police are now bringing in draconian laws to extract money from motorists, such as if your tyres are not set at what they, the police, conceive to be the correct pressure they will fine you, on the spot, 150€ per 'defective' pressure tyre. Short of checking one's tyres every day, I should imagine this is a winner for the coffers of the state. My neighbour who is packing up and leaving Spain because of some of the daft laws and rules, says that, what with the loss of UK TV, or pay and pay again for internet connection to access UK TV, it is amongst about fifty different reasons for him and his family to leave here, although he loved Spain. I know a sure fire way the police can raise some money. Go to Benalmadena Pueblo on any given day and issue tickets to illegally parked vehicles, and catch motorists who flagrantly and persistently go through red lights in the one way traffic light system. Cars are double parked, parked in the designated bus stop, and occasionally triple parked if they see a friend and want to hold a conversation. Many Spanish motorists think that, provided they have their 'flashers' on, they can park, literally, anywhere. This includes in bus stops, and on pedestrian crossings.

My wife has to go to court in July as a witness for the prosecution. She had her purse stolen in a Chinese store last month. Apparently 3 guys have been arrested. One assumes they were picked up after police looked at the CCTV in the store. They must be known to the cops, I guess.

I get asked lots of questions about life in Spain. I normally refer them to EOS. But one thing I would underline off of my own bat is that it's a great idea for anyone contemplating coming to live in Spain is to come to Spain in the winter months, and rent, don't buy until you have allowed Spain in the winter to tick your boxes. When I experienced our first winter in Spain, I can honestly say I have never been so cold and/or miserable. People, unfortunately think Spain is like July all year round. Those of us that live here know it is not, and the houses are built as they have been traditionally built for years in the same old way, with no central heating , no cavity wall insulation, no roof insulation, and no damp proof courses. Even today modern houses have, in the main, none of these items. It is also getting increasingly expensive to heat houses here in the winter. Wood, and butane keep going up in price. Having said all of that, I love Spain. I like most of the people, the way of life, and it is lovely to sit on your terrace in the winter months and often enjoy the sun on your bones, whilst those in the UK have to brave the sleet, snow, and rain for months on end with hardly any respite. We get lots of rain here in Spain in the winter, but we also get bright sunshine too.

My wife, who believes in these things, says she thought she saw a ghost last night. I asked her if she had any concrete evidence of ghosts. She replied that 'No. Very few ghosts are made of concrete'. My brother in law believes in God, and also believes that when his car petrol gauge says 'Empty' he still has at least a quarter of a tank full. In 2012 he ran out of petrol six times, yet he still believes. I've a good mind to pay for his plane fare to the Bible Belt of the USA, they'll love him there...

In the USA of course, they grow up believing in three things. God loves you and he's going to send you to hell if you're caught being bad. They also believe that sex is bad, nasty, awful, and dirty and you should save it for the one you love. God bless America !

I can't believe that the present UK government (Or maybe I can !) allows these 'pay day' loans to be legal. Some have interest rates of over 5000% . I wonder how many of the Conservative party take them out......

I ask only one more thing in life of God. Please let me see for myself if it's true that money doesn't make you happy!!!

I am having a go at publishing one of my novels myself, as an exercise. It's a crime thriller and at the moment I have it in Jarrolds of Norwich, and on Kindle. I am waiting for a response from WH Smith and Amazon. I have become increasingly frustrated and angry at receiving absolute peanuts for my paperback novels that retail at £6.99. The book is called "The Wednesday Women". If anyone knows of a publisher that doesn't rip off their authors I'd really like to join their club! (Best sellers excluded, of course)

My grandson and his friend are coming to stay for a week in August. He brings me down to earth. After I had had two of my novels published and was feeling mighty proud of myself, he said, "I'll only be impressed if you can write books, AND waggle your ears!"

And finally, The saddest words in the English language are, ".................Norwich City nil".

Placido Domingo to all.