Pink Brit Saves Spanish Resort

Published on 29/06/2011 in Expat Life

As Instructed by Justin at the editor’s desk, I went to Tenerife and booked the room recommended by him for being cheap and one of his favourites. I got a very pretty little room overlooking the sex Shop in Las Americas. It was close to the pool complex Justin wanted me to study at Park Santiago IX which contained the biggest outdoor heated pool in the entire history of the world, which was failing through typical inefficient bad Spanish business management.
He warned me that I might find the room extremely noisy with screaming sex starved drunken British customers, running frantically backwards and forwards into the shop and regurgitating their Spanish paella all over the footpaths, but to be honest I found the place very similar to Aldershot on a quiet wet mid week night. The Sex shop seemed to do mostly “Carry Out” sex as even though I hung around furtively outside wearing my best rain coat with the collar pulled up and a hat pulled down to my ears, I could observe very little activity apart from some people, of dubious sexual orientation, embracing each other in a most friendly way, and staggering about with their knees trembling.
Busy poolI presumed that they had a section within the premises, which dispensed Holy orders as there also seemed to be a great demand for religious items as people came out wearing dog collars and nuns habits and whipping each other in a most excited way, presumably trying to drive them away from the door as they were running short of stock to accommodate these people.
The Spanish army must also have a recruiting office within its premises as a lot of people, especially large women, came out dressed up in tight uniforms and leather thigh boots carrying riding crops and other similar military items to instil strict discipline into their weaker fellow soldiers. I must say the sight of all those firm large ladies in uniform goose stepping about in the sweaty heat conjured up fond images of young matron at boarding school. She gave many a young athletic chap a substantial ‘seeing to’ whenever his libido was perhaps getting a bit ‘hang dog’. What with that and cold assisted showers I found, as a young rampant impressionable teenager, my whole time as a boarder most invigorating.
I will confess to our dear editor, ensconced safely behind his little desk in Malaga or whatever dark shady place he is furtively hiding out at now, that taking my courage in my hands, my curiosity got the better of me and I ventured inside to examine their selection of exotic goods. I was most impressed with the unusual things I found.
I will say that one would certainly not find such delightfully different ‘objets d’art’ in the Sunday ‘flea market’ at the far end of Los Christianos harbour of a Sunday. All the items came with written instruction in a vast number of languages. Unfortunately I could not find any instructions in English, except “Batteries not included”, that left me at a disadvantage as to what function some of these appliances were intended for. I made a mental note to ask Justin to publish said instructions in English in the next edition. I think it would be most helpful to some of our Brit expats and stop a lot of sexual confusion that seems rampant at the moment on the Costas.
Satisfied that my headquarters were secure I walked across the road and slipped quietly into the pool complex and booked a bed at the edge to observe their use. Justin was, as usual completely correct in his wise economic summary. The man is a financial genius as well as being devilishly attractive to large ladies in black thigh boots. I know that he would definitely enjoy shopping here if the prices were a bit lower. It must be remembered that he does like value for money at all times and as they sell the large ladies here by the kilo, rather than individually, he would be happy as he could bulk buy.
As Justin surmised, the pools are not being put to their most efficient use. I noticed the following potential more efficient possible uses:
1.    At the moment a complete section of the pool is given over to very small children who can barely walk, why they require a swimming pool baffles me? By devoting a section of this pool to this use they are attracting ‘Yummy Mummies’ who do not spend any money purchasing goods or consumables for the children. This is a waste of resources. To this end a stop should be made to their consuming their own supplies on the premises. This is particularly true of the careless and casual way they breast-feed their youngsters.

There is no revenue in this practise for the landlords. It is suggested that those mothers who wish to feed their own children themselves be charged ‘corkage’ as done in good quality restaurants. €2 a boob per feed I feel would be a fair charge for this service. Normally there are approximately 20 mothers feeding their infants every 2 hours in the complex at €4 per infant for 8 hours per day would raise approx, €160 per day, times 7 days a week €1440 per week with double time being charged on Saturday and Sunday being anti social hours. Already with this scheme the complex has increased its profitability by €74,440 per year. Unfortunately as there are no empties to return no more revenue can be raised from this source.
2.    With the high level of old and geriatric incontinent people lying about the pools doing nothing in particular I suggest that a polo team be formed immediately called the “Pensioners Play Pool Polo Team” or the “PPPP” team. This would consist of mixed teams of incontinent pensioners of both sexes. This team can carry out their sport in the bigger pool with the long sloping bit into the deep end. This will have 2 advantages; first it will allow the members to immerse themselves slowly into the water allowing their body temperatures to adjust without putting too much strain on their hearts.

Secondly the pool heating system can be shut down, as the sudden cold shock on the “PPPP” team will stimulate their bodily functions thereby gently heating the water to a pleasant body heat. The long sloping bit to the deep end will also make access for their little ponies easier. Some of the ladies expressed concern at the use of ponies in case it might be cruel and they might drown. There is no cause for concern here as, for a small charge of €10 each, the pool attendant can earn his own salary teaching the delightful little creatures to swim and in between ‘overs’ they can give the children rides around the edge of the pool for €3 a time further increasing the revenue. This, with one-stroke increases the revenue for the complex even further as little ponies will have to be constantly trained in swimming and children will drive their parents mad for “Donkey” rides. This will raise a further €20,000 per year additional revenue. As a spin off the manure the little ponies will deposit into the pools will be automatically collected in the filter systems of the pool which can be sold at €50 per metric tonne.

Each little pony will produce approx 6 tonnes per year which will raise a further €60,000, the manure can be sold at the `flea Market in Los Christianos every Sunday to the tourists as mementos of their holiday.
3.    The long narrow shallow river part of the pool complex can be used for water skiing. It is approximately a quarter of a mile long with fast flowing current and if a winch is positioned at the little bridge, would be skiers can be winched along at great speed for €5 Euros a tow. This would be an excellent project for the little chap on the mainland to divert his interest from bulk buying dubious large women at discounted prices.

The only thing they will have to be taught is to duck their heads down to avoid a nasty accident as they are towed below the low bridge near the end. Surely this would not be hard to incorporate into the lessons given to the skiers at €10 each. These lessons would be compulsory for health and safety reasons. It is expected with a high turnover of tourists to raise €400,000 a year at least with another €100,000 raised from selling expensivemedical insurance policies to the happy tourists for their own peace of mind.
4.    The cleverest scheme of all is the use of the very deep large pool for competitive fishing. ‘Fishing Stands’ around this pool can be rented to competitive fishing persons (There are 100’s of them at the harbour all the time) at €20 per hour. There are about 100 stands available around the pool which will raise €2,000, per hour and assuming an 8 hour day will raise €16,000 Euros per day 7 days a week giving an annual total of approx. €4 Million per year plus charges for fish bait and drinks with sandwiches as well.
As Justin will see after a few simple calculations this complex can raise its revenue to a staggering €40,000,000 per year. How on earth Spain got itself into such a financial mess is amazing. All they had to do was to apply a bit of disciplined Brit logic to the business and “Bob’s your Uncle’ problem solved.
Is it any wonder with logic like this the Brits ruled the world?

Written by: Stephen Reid

About the author:

I am an Irish story teller but not the type that would immediately spring to mind. Whist I tell Gaelic stories as part of my repertoire I also tell contemporary stories and short funny stories. I have been doing it now for nearly 7.  See my website at

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jackie kinder said:
30 June 2011 @ 10:27

'laugh out loud' hilarious....hahaha :-)))

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