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Donna Gee - Spain's Grumpy Old Gran

SHARE THE MOANS AND GROANS OF AN IRRITABLE EXPAT BRITISH JOURNALIST

Why UK binmen are a load of rubbish compared to Spain
Friday, January 28, 2011

PUT THE LID ON IT! THIS
WHEELIE IS TOO MUCH

My dispute with the guys who collect the household refuse at my home in the UK is not so much a game of cat and mouse. It’s more a contest between prat and house.
 
Bury Borough Council is not the only local authority that refuses to take bags which protrude above the lid of the grey wheelie bin provided for every household. But  what a petty rule it is!

Believe me, when it comes to rubbish collection, the guys who empty the bins around my Costa Blanca villa are in a different league. I'll tell you why in a minute.

The fact is some households generate more rubbish than others - particularly if hordes of children either live in the house or descend upon it almost incessantly. Such is my home in the Bury area of Lancashire – courtesy of the fact that my five grandkids all live within 200 yards of my pad.

And while I can accept  the local council placing some limit on what they will collect, it takes a true jobsworth to remove and dump any bag that happens to protrude above lid level of the wheelie bin.

Bury Council’s official website requests householders to ‘‘make sure your bin lids are fully closed’’ on collection day. But why? Will the bin attack a neighbour or something if the lid is raised just a teeny bit above horizontal?

It beats me that the binmen bother to enforce the ‘empty closed wheelies only’ policy because moving  a piled-high bin onto the ramp to be tipped automatically into the bowels of their wagon is surely quicker than having to remove the excess rubbish first.

You’d think the £178-per-month I pay in council tax would entitle me to have ALL my genuine household waste taken away each week. Instead, I often have to wait three weeks for my separate recycling and garden-waste wheelie bins to be emptied.

It’s all so inferior to the quiet, efficient way refuse is collected in the Costa Blanca, which has become my home of choice over the last few years.

To start with, the Spanish binmen come in the evening, when the roads are quiet – so there’s minimum disruption to traffic. It’s so much better than the chaos British bin lorries cause during the day as they back up into side streets and cul de sacs.

In Spain, household refuse is also collected EVERY DAY, not just once a week. In the winter, as well as summer. And rather than stopping at every house, the binmen remove the rubbish from large communal containers placed a couple of hundred yards apart.

Garden refuse is collected once a week from the same point, while recycling containers are dotted conveniently around the urbanisation for people to use at their convenience.

It’s anything but inconvenient  for householders – even the laziest of individuals should be able to walk 100 yards to dispose of their  household waste. Oh, and last year the council tax on my three-bedroom villa amounted to just 386.08 euros (equal to £333.78 as I write). That’s roughly 20 per cent of what I pay to Bury Council.

It’s one of my old chestnuts, but Britain is being held back by the old colonialist attitude that still lingers in decision-making areas. Namely that if we didn’t think it up, then it can’t be any good.

That sort of thinking is a massive load of rubbish! And no, Bury Council, I don’t want your bolshy binmen to come and dump it all on my drive in Prestwich.



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I've been told I have Parkinson's Disease - so why am I still laughing?
Thursday, January 20, 2011

HOW DYING BOB MONKHOUSE
GAVE ME A LESSON IN LIVING

Bob Monkhouse never lost his brilliant sense of humour right up to his dying day. And the late, great comedian’s legacy of laughter taught me a lesson I plan to utilise every waking hour from now on.
 
Because life is too short to be taken over-seriously. Even by a Grumpy Old Gran.
 
To most people under 40, the aches and pains of advancing years don’t exist. But take it from me, kids, old age is gonna getcha - and quicker than you think! (Though it doesn’t hurt quite so much out here in the sunshine).
 
There’s a fair chance you’ll end up a stooped old wrinkly shuffling your way along the streets and causing irritating queues in the newsagents as you fumble for change. And then drop your purse on the floor for someone else to pick up.
 
I know all about it – because I’m heading towards the world of zimmer frames myself. And it’s not pleasant.
 
Two years ago, I was diagnosed with angina and had two stents inserted in an angioplasty procedure to widen my coronary arteries. Now I have been told by a neurologist that I also have the beginnings of Parkinson’s Disease.
 
Not very pleasant, but millions of people are in far worse health than I, and hopefully I will be around for a good few years yet. I have also found a true inspiration in the unique humour of Bob Monkhouse.

Like him, I believe that the best antidote to illness and the negativity of ageing is laughter. The Monkhouse School of Mirth may not cure major ailments, but a good giggle does make even the Grumpiest of Grans feel a lot better.

When Bob knew he was dying from prostate cancer, he not only kept smiling - he incorporated it into his act.  (click here to see)

Back in the ‘70s, I was lucky enough to see him perform live at a major London hotel function. Until then, I had always regarded him as rather smarmy and insincere, but I realised that evening that I was watching a true genius strutting his stuff.

Not long before he died in December 2003, and still looking amazingly fit despite his advanced cancer,  Monkhouse quipped on Michael Parkinson's chat show that he had asked his doctor: ‘’How long have I got to live?’’
 
 ‘’Ten,’’ said the doctor.
 
‘’Is that weeks, months…?’’
 
‘ ’Nine, eight, seven...’’
 
 That wisecrack reignited my belief that when old age and/or illness strike, the most effective way to fight it is to have a little giggle about life, however difficult that may be.
 
I half expected Monkhouse to throw in a line about his unique ‘’sense of tumour’’. He didn’t – but there's a fair bet he is up there in his celestial home right now haranguing St Peter with his one-liners.
 
In the meantime, I have told my kids and grandkids I want to hear them singing at my funeral, not being just plain miserable. Perhaps a couple of choruses of   'Always Look on the Bright Side of Death’ will help – not that I’ll be able to join in, of course.

Meanwhile, life goes on for me, my angina and my Parkinson’s, with semi-permanent backache and painful hip joints  thrown in as a bonus. But I’m happy because I spend most of my time in the Spanish sunshine.

I can also see a new career on the horizon. If the Parkinson’s gets any worse, they might yet give me my own chat show…
 


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Salt my life away in a Spanish hospital? No way, señora!
Friday, January 14, 2011

WHEN VISITING A SICK CHILD IS
A MATTER OF LIFE OR DEBT . . .

I spent four days in Elche Hospital last summer as a guest of the Spanish health service – and my only complaint was that the food was inedible. I bet you’d also cringe at the thought of a salad or bowl of clear soup devoid of a single grain of salt.

I’ve sucked tastier water from a dishcloth than the ultra-bland consommé the nurse plonked in front of me as an aperitif to my menial first meal as a patient.
 
There was method in that Friday afternoon madness, of course. Because I was in a coronary ward and I do have angina. But even my acutely health-conscious daughter has been unable to convince me that I’m shortening my life by going condimental before I tuck in. I do make one concession to the medical experts, mind you – I NEVER put salt on my dessert.
 
In the event, I was discharged from hospital the following Monday three kilos lighter after passing my medical tests with flying blood pressure (another abysmal Donna attempt at humour – my BP was actually normal, thanks to the medication I’ve been taking for the past five years). I couldn’t wait for my first taste of freedom and dreamt of ending my enforced diet with a portion of salt- and-pepper ribs and a salt-beef sandwich. Maybe with a packet of liquorice ‘all-salts’ for afters.
 
But I digress. This article is not meant to be a complaint about Spanish hospitals – or the heartless way they feed their cardiac patients. There was certainly precious little else I could moan about as a patient at Elche. A cosy two-bed ward, caring nurses, highly efficient doctors, caring nurses and four days of intensive Spanish lessons for free.

Last but not least, my friends were not charged a single centimo to come and visit me. And from what I can gather from friends, the same free-parking policy operates at Spanish hospitals from Malaga to Lorca and from Denia to Villajoyosa.

How different to the money-grabbing English system of ripping off the motorist at every opportunity. Particularly at hospital car parks and motorway service areas (which I’ll get to in a future article).
 
My 11-year-old granddaughter Daisy (pictured right) suffers from Crohn’s Disease and has spent quite a bit of time at Manchester’s ultra-modern Royal Children’s Hospital this past couple of years. The kindly local NHS Trust have a voucher system that allows close relatives to visit sick children to use the vast multi-storey car park at a special daily rate of £5.
 
That’s £35 a week to spend time with your own kids when they need you most. How generous! And don’t tell me the money all goes to improve the NHS. In a country where every working person pays an ever-increasing National Insurance contribution, surely NO-ONE should have to pay to visit a suffering relative.
 
Scotland and Wales abolished hospital parking charges a couple of years ago – so what’s so different about England? The authorities are just greedier to make bigger profits, that’s all.
 
As my daughter Hayley Beckman (Daisy’s mother) says: ‘‘The new hospital is very modern but it’s difficult to get to compared to the two children’s hospitals it replaced, and much more expensive to park.
 
‘‘It’s absolutely disgraceful that parents have to pay to spend time with their sick children in hospital.’’
 
It’s not as if Manchester Children's University Hospital NHS Trust is in dire financial straits. Indeed, a Daily Mirror investigation established that in 2007, the Trust made a profit of £1,338,694. And 218 hospitals around the country made a staggering £24,993,855 the same year - just by charging their own staff to park their cars.
 
At the time, Juliet Dunmur, chair of the British Medical Association Patient Liaison Group, said: ‘‘The car-parking fees charged by some NHS trusts are unacceptable. It amounts to a tax on vulnerable patients and on NHS staff.’’
 
And hospital visiting is an increasingly-expensive experience. Recent research by the Action for Sick Children charity revealed that parking for families of children now costs £1.75 an hour on average.
 
It’s bad enough in Manchester, but at two London hospitals the parking tariff works out at an unbelievable £386.40 a week because there are no discounts for long-term stays.
 
At many hospitals, it’s not just visitors who get stung. Nurses working at Royal Manchester Children’s Hospital must pay £20 for a weekly car-park pass – or leave their cars a mile or more away.
 
Still, there is a consolation. With all that enforced walking, they can afford to pour oodles of salt on their food and never end up with a dicky heart.
 


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Paying the penalty: Crossing a fine line cost me dear
Wednesday, January 5, 2011

BUS-LANE TICKET WASN'T

JUSTICE - IT WAS GREED

Dashing out  to the runway at Manchester Airport in pouring rain and a furious early-morning gale was a sheer pleasure on my return to Spain last October – because I was about to swop the cold, miserable British weather for the Costa Blanca sunshine I so adore.

 Apart from the shivering, soggy climate, my four weeks back in the UK also brought home some of the reasons why living in England today is more of a penance than a joy.

Yes, the beautiful countryside, unique historic buildings and ironic British sense of humour are still intact. But the breakdown of law and order and increasingly large sub-culture of yobbism, alcoholism and drug addiction is frightening.

I won’t go into the most controversial subject of all – the massive over-immigration which is polarising rather than uniting the country. That would be politically incorrect, even if my personal viewpoint is considerably less extreme than that of many native Brits.

However, one subject that really does make my blood boil is the unnecessary traffic chaos – and the incompetence of the faceless bureaucrats responsible for the massive disruption on motorways and trunk roads.

Everywhere I drove, I seemed to be held up – from an enforced 30-mile motorway detour to accommodate a bridge-building exercise, to temporary traffic lights causing hold-ups on virtually every main road. The general philosophy of the transport bureaucrats seemed to be, ‘‘Cause maximum disruption to as many motorists as possible at the time the traffic is heaviest’’.

OK, I don’t tend to drive in busy areas in Spain, but I have never even seen a proper traffic jam in the Costa Blanca. I get the impression that the roads are kept as clear as possible in the daytime with most maintenance work done at night, when fewer vehicles are on the roads.

Yet in England, I rarely go out without being stuck in a queue of crawling cars.

I also had the dubious pleasure of clashing with the council jobsworth who monitors minor traffic offenders in Bury, Lancashire, where my UK home is. I lost the battle, of course, because being fair did not tally with his mission to fill the town coffers with as much cash as possible from the softest touches of all – law-abiding motorists.

I was blissfully unaware that since the my previous visit to the UK last May, Bury Council had decided to prohibited one particular bus lane to other vehicles from 7am to 7pm on weekdays, rather than the normal 7-10am and 4-7pm double slot which operates for every other bus lane in Greater Manchester.

My ‘crime’ was that I went on a lunchtime shopping trip on a quiet weekday and, at 12.38pm, moved my little Kia Picanto into the empty bus lane momentarily to allow the only other car on the road to pass me. It hadn’t crossed my mind to check the hours of prohibition first – I naturally assumed the rules were the same as everywhere else.

Gotcha! The council spiders had set up a camera to trap heinous criminals like myself in their devious web. And three days later I received photographic evidence of my car tootling along in the bus lane at 25mph, plus a demand for £60 – reduced to £30 if I paid within 14 days (that's the ticket on the right).

How kind of them to penalise an unknowing  pensioner for merely being courteous to another driver and clearly having no intention of using the bus lane to jump a queue or for any dubious reason.

I duly wrote to the council very sweetly explaining the situation and asking that they reconsider, enclosing a £30 debit-card payment to avoid the possibility of being stung for double that amount while I was awaiting a response.

A few days later I received a written reply from Bury’s Parking Services Manager John Foudy in which good grammar and accuracy were given low priority.

(Sic) ‘’I have noted your comments, however, upon further investigation of your case it is apparent that full payment of the Notice has been made,’’ he wrote, as if that was a reason the fine could not be reversed.

‘‘I can confirm that there is ample signage at the entrance to the bus lane specifying the relevant start and end times. The onus is on the motorist to check the information before making the judgement to enter a bus lane.

”Thank you for your prompt payment, however, I would like to inform you that any further right to appeal is lost and the case is now closed.’’

That’s it, then. Guilty as charged, and no reference whatsoever to my explanation.

I’m not the first person to suffer in this way at the hands of Bury Council, whose greediness for fleecing soft-touch motorists at every chance is regularly highlighted in the local press.

So I’ve decided to repay Mr Dowdy, sorry Foudy, in my own way. I plan to boycott  Bury on my future visits to the area and will do my shopping in Bolton, Rochdale and Oldham.

My thinking is that if disgruntled local motorists hit local traders in the pocket abandoning the town, the business community might just press Bury Council  to stop ostracising decent citizens with greedy forms of entrapment.

Of course, my plan is unlikely to work – and in any case you may believe I did cross the line, both literally and metaphorically. But I bet you 30 quid that councils like Bury are persecuting motorists in order to maximise council funding.

Make your losing cheques payable to John  Foudy at Bury Parking Services signage department.

First published in Female Focus magazine, December 2010

 

 



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Spain bans it from today - but smokers' paradise is oh so near!
Sunday, January 2, 2011

IT’S JANUARY 2, 2011 AND FROM TODAY SMOKING IN PUBLIC PLACES WILL BE BANNED IN SPAIN VERY MUCH ON THE SAME LINES AS IN THE UNITED KINGDOM.

PERHAPS THE MOST ACCEPTABLE (IF NOT THE SAFEST) PLACE FOR SPANISH-BASED SMOKERS TO GATHER IN FUTURE IS ON BALCONIES LIKE THIS ONE (click on the link). GRAB A CIGGY, POP OUTSIDE, TAKE IN THE VIEW, LIGHT UP – AND YOU’LL BECOME AN EX-SMOKER IN A MATTER OF SECONDS.

IN FACT, THE EXPRESSION ‘TO CRASH THE ASH’ WILL ADOPT A TOTALLY NEW MEANING.

AM I HAPPY THAT I’LL FINALLY BE ABLE TO ENJOY A MEAL AND A DRINK IN SPANISH BARS AND RESTAURANTS WITHOUT BEING SUBJECTED TO CLOUDS OF STINKING TOBACCO? YOU BET I AM!

AND WHILE I REMAIN CYNICAL AS TO WHETHER THE SPANISH PEOPLE WILL ABIDE BY THE NEW LAW,  I'M ALL FOR GIVING IT A GO. IF THE WORST COMES TO THE WORST, WE CAN ALWAYS USHER THEM OUT ONTO THE BALCONY...

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