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Took my lady and a friend to see "The Great Gatsby" on Saturday evening. We all looked forward to it as 1920's styles and stories usually appeal especially with Leonardo de C in the movie. What a let down! We all agreed we were waiting for something to happen when the credits came up at the end of the film! It was such a nothing movie.

My love affair with Orange, as my phone & internet provider, is over. They promised me a really quick download speed, etc. so I agreed to move from Movistar to them. After installation the speed was just half of what I had originally, and my phones didn't work! After numerous calls with Orange they finally agreed that the promised internet speeds were not possible, and they didn't know how to fix my phones! To rub salt into the wound they refused to send out an engineer to look at it. I cancelled within my 'cooling off' period, and it took Movistar two weeks to reconnect me. Now their internet speed is much slower than it was before, and I have sent four emails and had six conversations with them. They promise me everything will be OK by Thursday......this is Spain, this is Movistar....I wonder what year they're talking about.....????

I have a brother in law who is not bright, he was caught shoplifting last week, from a Pound Shop!

I see that Gay marriage is on the agenda gain. A good friend of mine was in the army, he got a medal for killing three men, and a discharge for loving one. As I've said before it says in the Bible that if a man lays with another man he should be stoned. So on the one hand they say being gay is wrong but on the other it's OK if you're both smoking dope....

So now that the UK bank that the taxpayers of Britain bailed out is making decent profits, the government wants to sell it to the private sector again. So if it goes tits up again does that mean that the tax payers bail it out again and then on returning to profit it is sold back to the private sector to play with again? It must be great being a rich capitalist, you just can't lose, particularly if the great British public continue to vote in the Tories and the Lib - promise them anything - Dems.

If so called television, radio, and newspaper 'Economic Experts' are so good, how come they're not filthy rich themselves?

I'm well into the third book of the trilogy "The Saturday Pledge". Don't know if I'll ever get a publisher for it though. This is the one that Kindle banned. If anyone knows of a brave publisher that doesn't mind publishing  three books that portrays life as it really is, warts and all, please let me know. I may have to self publish these. My friends, who have read the first two in order to give me feedback, tell me they think the first two are absolutely cracking reads. I guess they would say that though......

My local football team, Norwich City, beat Manchester City in Manchester last week. Quite an achievement when you consider that one of the Man City players costs the sum of the total that the Norwich entire squad cost. Also Man City players earn ten (10) times what the Norwich players earn. Norwich City FC are also debt free, probably the only club in the whole of the Football Leagues that is. Shrewd management have done it, and the best meat pies in Christendom thanks to our Delia, of course.

My wife is blond, she came in yesterday to tell me she had witnessed a woman collapsing in La Canada. She said the ambulance men arrived and as the lady wasn't breathing they gave her artificial insemination.

My wife believes that colonic irrigation is not to be sniffed at. We were very hard up years ago and she said she was going to sell one of her livers. I told her she couldn't possibly do that but she was adamant she could get by on just one. She has made me promise that if she is ever on a life support machine that I won't allow it to be switched off until she is down to a size eight.

The college I went to had a lot of drugs around the place. We don't have class reunions, we have flashbacks.

My college flat mate said he doesn't believe that cocaine is habit forming. He should know, he's been using it daily now for over fifteen years. Personally I'm addicted to chocolate, I sometimes snort cocoa. I also believe that young white men take Ecstasy because it makes them think they can dance.

Finally I think that beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

Isn't it so lovely to wake up to a Spanish blue sky and sunshine? The birds are also working overtime by singing to us. Two of them perch just outside our bedroom and chirp away.....who wants to lay in until seven am anyway....!!

In England late spring is a lovely time of the year as well. Everything starts turning green, especially the Tories, Labour, and Lib Dems in preparation for May the 2nd.

We holidayed in the spring in a tent once many, many, years ago. Have you noticed that it always rains on tents. Rain clouds will travel hundreds of miles through tortuous winds to find a tent that they can pour their water on. The weather forecasts aren't so accurate in the UK at this time of year, unlike Mexico where the forecast is always 'Chilli today and hot tamale'. Whereas in New York the weather is still so cold that 'flashers' just describe themselves. Of course one certain way to bring on the rain in the UK is for 'Mum' to hang out the washing.

If anyone is interested I have put the first book of the trilogy that was banned by 'wattpad' onto a book site called 'scribd'. The whole book is there, 422 pages. It's free to read, but bear in mind that it does describe scenes of both hetero and gay sex. They are there as part of the integral make up of the plot and not for titillation as such. To view it Google 'scribd' then put 'The Saturday Pledge' into the appropriate box to bring it up.

I have tried to put my book, that I wrote for my children and grandchildren, onto Kindle but they are having trouble with it as it contains coloured pictures and a story. I changed the format from pdf to Word but they still can't manage to publish it properly.....maybe I should remind them, there are NO sex scenes in the book....it's for children.

My wife nearly had a heart attack whilst out driving last week. Apparently a Spanish driver actually indicated in good time before turning. She said she might report him, but I told her not to as it was obviously a first offence, and probably would never be repeated. Our good friend Fiona is coming over to visit us and is going to rent a car. She's very 'canny' as befits a Scot. To save on mileage she says she's going to reverse everywhere. Last time she came my wife drove her everywhere. Once she said to my wife, who had just parked, "It's OK, we can walk to the kerb from here."

My son just paid a fortune to buy a personalised number plate. I told him it would have been cheaper to change his name....to something like B122MKT or whatever the registration plate was on the car he owned. Kids of today just never apply logic do they? Mind you he's not bright, he heard that most accidents happen within five miles of home, so he moved ten miles away. He has become a local councillor in the town where he lives, after a year into the job he now realises that the only people who really know how to run the country are cab drivers and male hairdressers.

When I heard that Arnold Schwarzenegger had been accused of groping six women I thought immediately that he was preparing to run for President of the USA.

Poor Ed Milliband, George Osborne and David Cameron, they can't help it......they were all born with a silver foot in their mouths.

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I have just received a phone call from Orange offering me a deal on my home phone & internet that is around 14€ cheaper per month than Telefonica/Movistar. The other very useful (if its true) offering, guarantees an internet download speed of 15m plus. Presently I get 5m. Has anyone had any dealings with Orange concerning home phone & internet? If so I really would be thankful for a little feedback before I jump ship. Thanks.

Not much on for Brits at Cinesur, Fuengirola over the last few weeks. My lady and I are going to see 'Oblivion' starring Tom Cruise this evening, as we're getting cinema withdrawal symptoms. I'm not a fan of Cruise, but he does do 'action' movies rather well.

I am well into the third and last book in 'The Saturday Pledge' trilogy. When they are all released later this year, and early next, I wonder if 'Banned by Kindle' should appear on the covers? I must remember to mollify Kindle in the future by making no mention of anything regarding 'Gay' people.

A recent survey amongst married women asked them when exactly they most wanted sex. 89% of them stated, 'immediately after their husbands had finished'.

There was a crossword clue in the Financial Times once, that went 'Listen carefully, or, a sexual perversion' (5,2,4,4). The Answer was - 'Prick up your ears'.

It's been such a long time since I made love, I can't remember who gets tied up.......

Mind you when my wife and I do make love she always laughs all the way through, no matter what she's reading.

My first wife went around after our divorce telling everyone I always gave her an anti-climax.

I have a number of books on Kindle. My latest offering was the first of a trilogy about two young men, both from vastly different backgrounds, and their journey through life, first in school, then university, and finally in government. One is gay, the other has an incestuous relationship with his sister that lasts throughout their lives. They are saved from death by a supernatural being that in return requires them to perform just one act that he will demand from them in later life. The book was banned by Kindle. They don't have to give a reason for banning it, but it must be because of the explicit sexual content. They didn't ban 'Fifty Shades' so it must have been because my book describes homosexual sex, as well as heterosexual sex, scenes. These scenes are an integral part of the plot. By the way it is the first book of a trilogy, and tells the story of their days at Rancliffe School, a prestigious fee paying establishment, much like Eton. I have put the first 10 chapters on 'Wattpad'. If anyone wants to see what all the fuss is about just google 'Wattpad' then select either, 'Raffles' or 'Joseph Dickerson', or 'The Saturday Pledge - Book One - Rancliffe. I have finished 'Book Two - Britannic', which covers their journey through university, and have some chapters written on the third, 'Book Three - Government'. The first book will be published some time in August this year.

I eventually received my money from 'paypal after some three weeks , and fifty emails. They admitted a member of their staff had put in the wrong IBAN. They were not very courteous in response to my many emails, and I shall not be using their services again. I had to confirm my bank details so many times I knew the IBAN and BIC off by heart!!

Lost: Black and white male dog. Is blind in one eye, has an ear missing, no tail, and walks with a pronounced limp as he has only three legs. Answers to the name of 'Lucky'.

My next door neighbour and good friend is Jewish. He is very proud of his gold pocket watch. His father, on his deathbed, sold it to him.

I went to the doctor the other day whilst in the UK.  He said I was a paranoid schizophrenic - well, he didn't actually say it, but the two of us knew exactly what he was thinking. They say that one out of four people in the western world are mentally unbalanced. So, think of your three best friends, if they seem OK, you're the one. If you talk to God you are praying....if God talks to you, you are a schizophrenic.

Walked along Fuengirola beach yesterday, there were lots of people sunbathing, and it brought me to this conclusion. If women dressed for men, the shops would only sell the occasional sun visor.

It is now day 15 and still no funds from 'paypal'. They have promised faithfully three times on 3 separate occasions now that my funds would be in my bank within 3 days, but they have not materialised. I have now formally complained to the FOS who are their regulatory body within Europe. It would have been all the same had I really needed the money to live, luckily I don't, but their abysmal failure to perform has made me determined not to let them off the hook. 

Of course money isn't the most important thing in the world, Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

I was once held up by a mugger with a gun. He said, "Your money or your life!" He got restless when I hesitated, I told him, "Wait a minute, I'm thinking about it!"

One thing I've learned in life, when someone says "It's not the money it's the principle", it's the money.

Mind you its easy to run up a big credit card bill. When my last one arrived I swear I heard a drum roll as I was opening it. And there's always too much month left at the end of my balance limit.

I still think taxes are too high. The difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector is that the taxidermist only takes your skin. I think I'll spend a year dead for tax purposes. They say that everyone should pay their taxes with a smile.....I tried that once but they demanded money.

I told my bank that if they sent me just one more nasty threatening letter I would take my overdraft elsewhere! Talking about banks, my local Spanish bank normally has two tellers on, except when it gets busy, then they have one. Banks say they are now trying to be ultra friendly. If they're so friendly how come they chain down the pens?

My wife was once so poor she didn't know where her next husband was coming from. However I always try to help the poor, trouble is when I go to help the homeless, they're never home. The hardest thing about being homeless though is that they'll never be able to enjoy camping.  Seriously though I always give money to the homeless. My wife shouts at me 'They'll only spend it on cigarettes and alcohol'....like I wasn't going to?

When my brother in law gives money to charity he does so silently, silently like a waiter falling down the hotel stairs with a tray full of glasses.

Off to Norfolk next week. I once saw a sign on a lift in one of Norfolk's premier hotels, it said, ' Please do not use this lift when it is not working'.

My lady had her purse stolen in a Chinese shop on Friday. We had to phone Madrid to get a reference number then go to the National Police in the Arroyo to make another report. She had all her cards in the purse so I quickly cancelled them in Spain and the UK. All banks were very professional and the job was done in minutes. Her drivers licence was among the items in her purse so she now has to apply for a new one. Incidentally it is not correct that a person can drive in Spain if they have a 'Police Report' indicating that their licence has been stolen. No person can drive in Spain unless they have a valid driving licence. This means I shall have to drive my wife around until her new licence arrives. There were 'security' cameras in the Chinese shop, the police have been informed of this so it will be interesting to see if they follow up.

In Spain today thieves are so good at it they can steal the hub caps off of a moving car !!

We tend to live in a society now where a pizza delivery gets to your house before a police car after a 999 call.

I'm having a lot of trouble with pap pal.....sorry paypal. I sold something on ebay, the buyer received the package and emailed me to say he was very happy. Paypal have now taken almost 2 weeks, and the money is still not in my account. They say they tried to send two 'proving' amounts but my bank refused them. On checking with my bank they say no such attempt to put money into my account has come from paypal. I have had to send paypal a copy of my latest bank statement and a copy of my passport. They make you feel like a budding criminal for their own short comings. I have sent them lots of emails and they now tell me the funds may be in my account on Monday next.........

One of my first jobs was selling hearing aids door to door. It was a tough job as my best potential clients never answered the door bell....

It appears to me that politicians obey the 11th Commandment more than any other: Thou shalt not be found out.

Always look out for Number One, and try not to step on a Number Two.

If you're going to do something today that you know you're going to feel sorry for in the morning, set your alarm for just after noon.

Spanish Proverb: How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then to rest afterwards.

Finally, don't take life too seriously....none of us are going to get out of it alive

Shame about poor old Gazza isn't it? He had sixteen years of high earnings, public adolation, first class travel & hotels paid for by his clubs, and all the benefits and trappings of a superstar. Yeah, bloody shame. Alcoholism is an illness I know, usually fatal, and often can bring misery to the alcoholic and his friends and family. One glass is one too many and a dozen are never enough. There is only one person who can truly help the addicted, and that is the person themselves. Needs resolve and every day must be taken as a new challenge.

That reminds me of the two Irishmen who walked past a pub............well, it could happen.

I once saw a tee shirt with the following on it: BEER - Helping ugly people have sex since 1865.

Here in Spain we have an abundant selection of really good wines to choose from. However, once in an English bar in Fuengirola the wine tasted like a urine sample from someone gravely ill.

Brendan Behan once saw a sign that said, 'Drink Canada Dry', so for the rest of his short life he tried. He reckoned he wasn't drunk if he could lie on the floor without holding on. In his early life he fell in love with a beautiful woman who, he said, drove him to drink. He tried very hard to find her again to thank her but never could. In his later life he never drank anything stronger than Gin before breakfast. He said he only drank twice a day - when he was thirsty, and when he wasn't.

Hangover: The Wrath of Grapes.

I came home last night to find someone had parked in my drive! I wrote them a polite message not to park in my drive again.......using a six inch nail on their bonnet.

That reminds me of when one day I was getting into my car in the Myramar car park. A guy came up to me and asked, "Would you give me a lift?" I replied, "Sure mate. You're really handsome, your hair looks fantastic, I've never seen such white teeth, or snazzy clothes. How's that?"

Well, we went to see this film 'Gangster Squad' last night. Crap acting, Sian Penn was awesome...sorry I meant awful. The film was full of blood and guts, thin storyline, Says it all really. Popcorn and chocolate were good though.

My lady has started a diet today. I started one yesterday, it's Viagra and prune juice....I honestly don't know if I'm coming or going. I can't decide which would be easier, try to lose 3 stone by strict dieting or say 'to hell with it' and eat lots of chocolate and fried chips so that I qualify for a gastric bypass....

Last year my wife lost two stones swimming. I don't know how....I tied them around her neck tight enough.

I once tried a whiskey diet, it worked! I lost three days!

My brother has the right idea. He says he's on this brilliant diet, You can eat whatever you want, whenever you want, and as much as you want. He says you don't actually lose any weight, but it's very easy to stick to.

The best way for me to look thin is to go to the restaurant with a lot of fat friends. My doctor said though that I should give up having those intimate little dinners for four....Unless I take three other people with me.

I exercise quite well though. Every morning it's - Up! Down! Up! Down! And then the other eyelid. Also every day I go on a very brisk sit down.

The guys at the gym call it 'Aerobics'. As they charge £15 a session they could hardly just call it 'Jumping up and down' could they?  There is one machine at the Gym that I particularly like...the vending machine !

My grandma, at 60, started to jog three miles a day. She's ninety seven now, and none of the family knows where the hell she is ! The only time I run is when I have to....usually when the ice crean van is just moving off.

Placido Domingo

May go to see 'Gangster Squad' this week. I just hope it's not a similar film to 'The Untouchables'.

Lots of crime around at the moment in these recession times. I'm all in favour of bringing back the birch....but only between consenting adults.

I believe a man who stabbed his Mother in Law thirty times showed amazing restraint.

The Malaga Police arrested two children last week. One was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They apparently charged one and let the other one off.

The Catholic Church has introduced a harsh new policy on priests who molest children. Three strikes and you're a cardinal.

I wonder what happens when an Estate Agent gets mugged? Is his evidence something like, "I was pushed into quite a spacious and well bricked alley way, only two miles from the train station, and the mugger punched me in the face, which still retains many of its original features".

They do say that 'Guns don't kill people, people kill people'. Come on, it must be the gun that helps, if I stood there just shouting 'Bang, Bang! how many would that kill?! Also I don't believe the 'Temporary Insanity' as a murder defence. If you broke into someone's house, hoovered up and did all their ironing...now that's 'temporary insanity'.

Mind you in the USA some people are pushing for a stronger death penalty. I personally think Capital Punishment would be more effective as a preventative measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

That film about the killing of Osama Bin Laden is on release now. It took them years to locate him. I had the answer all the time...they should have reported him to the Child Support Agency, they'd have found him in no time! I often think that going to war over religion is just killing each other to see who's got the best imaginary friend....

I see that recently the Japanese Prime Minister apologised for Japan's part in WW2. He still hasn't apologised for Karaoke though.

The UK tax office has streamlined its tax form this year: It goes like this:

     1) How much did you make gross last year?

     2) How much have you got left?

     3) Send '2)'

Have a peaceful Sunday.

My lady and I went to see the film 'Hitchcock' last night. It was an OK film, nothing special, and the best way I can describe it is that it mildly entertained. Helen Mirren stood out as always. Brilliant actress that one. The film centred on the making of 'Psycho', which was a major sea change for the film industry on nudity and realism.

Funny how film stars hanker after cosmetic surgery. Look at Cher, if she has another facelift she'll be wearing a beard. Liza Minnelli looks like an ancient 13 year old. I asked my wife if she ever considered having anything done. She replied that she didn't need plastic surgery....she needed Lourdes.

It's like tattoes. My Gran used to take my Mum to the circus to see the Fat Lady and the Tattoed Man. Now they're everywhere. Some women think bikinis are immodest. Others have beautiful figures.

Most designers of womens clothes are made by men who don't know women, never had one, and constantly dream of being one. Bit like many hairdressers nowadays. Oh and waiters.

The thing that has been worrying me is the five Muslim women in one family who live near me and wear the burqa. Do they fiddle it and get away with using just one bus pass?

I take my vitamins ever morning without fail. Fail was my first wife. Health is very important, what worries me is that they say we are 98% water. Does that mean that if I drink a large glass of water I'm in danger of drowning? I said to my doctor it hurts when I do this. He replied "Well, don't do it then". I asked him what could I do for a sprained ankle, He said "Limp".

I think doctors are all crooks. You notice that doctors all wear gloves nowadays, they don't do it for medicinal reasons.........fingerprints!

They say that love makes the world go round, maybe so, but whiskey makes it go twice as fast!  Whenever anyone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say, I'm thirsty not dirty.

My son has a couple of good remarks to a waiter if the wine isn't to his liking, "I think this wine has been drunk before". Another one he used was "I wonder how they got the cat to sit on this bottle.

I made some homemade wine once, never again. When I drank some of it I lost the use of one side of my face for a week.

One tequila, Two tequila, three tequila, Floor!

The hardest thing for a barman I should imagine, is working out who is drunk and who is just plain stupid.