Motoring in Euroland

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05 Mar 2011 00:00 by foxbat Star rating in Granada. 1134 posts Send private message

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with the ever increasing cost of motoring in Euroland, not to mention the continuing downward spiral of Sterling against the Euro, I thought now might be a good time to revive an article I came across back in 2006...

For those of you who are tempted to do DIY jobs on your car, here is a cynical list of definitions to be applied when refering to the jolly old Haynes Manual...

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise.

 Haynes: This is a snug fit.

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

 Haynes: This is a tight fit.

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

 Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...

Translation: That'll teach you not to read right through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

 Haynes: Prise off...

Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

 Haynes: Undo...

Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size).

 Haynes: Retain tiny spring...

Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?"

 Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...

Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two).

 Haynes: Lightly slacken...

Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

 Haynes: Weekly checks...

Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it.

 Haynes: Routine maintenance...

Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. We warned you!

 Haynes: One spanner rating.

Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to **** it up?

 Haynes: Two spanner rating.

Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact, that would have been more use to you).

 Haynes: Three spanner rating.

Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days.

 Haynes: Four spanner rating.

Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

 Haynes: Five spanner rating.

Translation: OK - but don't ever transport your loved ones in it again.

 Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...

Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

 Haynes: Compress...

Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some molegrips and a hammer...

 Haynes: Inspect...

Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep, it's as I thought, it's going to need a new one"

 Haynes: Carefully...

Translation: You are about to suffer serious abrasions.

 Haynes: Retaining nut...

Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

 Haynes: Get an assistant...

Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

 Haynes: Difficult to reach ...

Translation: Assembled at the factory and never meant to be touched.

 Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.

Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.

 Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.

Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places.

 Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...

Translation: Snap off...

 Haynes: Using a suitable drift...

Translation: Clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

 Haynes: Everyday toolkit

Translation: RAC Card & Mobile Phone (but don't forget your molegrips and hammer!)

 Haynes: Apply moderate heat...

Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with molegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer.

 Haynes: Index

Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do.

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05 Mar 2011 09:20 by claire T Star rating in Torremendo, Orihuela. 700 posts Send private message

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Wonderful Foxbat!!  Great to start the day laughing - but what is a molegrip?????????



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05 Mar 2011 11:50 by foxbat Star rating in Granada. 1134 posts Send private message

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Well beloved tool of amateur mechanics and plumbers the world over...no home should be without a set...

Its a sort of locking adjustable spanner...



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05 Mar 2011 13:19 by TechNoApe Star rating in Duquesa, Manilva. 1291 posts Send private message

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Foxbat,

Funniest thing I've read in ages!

Great!

Ah yes!

The ever reliable and useful Mole Grip.

Originally called: Vise Grip

Incredibly handy when doing any job that requires and extra hand.... that is..... until you need two at the same time!

 



This message was last edited by TechNoApe on 05/03/2011.



This message was last edited by TechNoApe on 05/03/2011.

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05 Mar 2011 15:04 by Febe Star rating in Flix, on river Ebro,.... 242 posts Send private message

Very funny Foxbat.

Having been married to an engineer for the last 25 years I can relate to that.



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05 Mar 2011 23:11 by Jet48 Star rating in Estepona / Great Yar.... 110 posts Send private message

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Yep nice one Foxbat.

The rules of car DIY that I learnt as a tennager from Haynes and still faithfully abide by today in my sixties.

Lol

Bob



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05 Mar 2011 23:57 by foxbat Star rating in Granada. 1134 posts Send private message

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There is also another one; what can be a real 'gotcha' from the illustrious Haynes Manual series...

First job is always "Remove battery negative connector"

In so doing there is a good chance your radio will never work again if you havent got the access code and also the Engine Management system will, when the connection is remade, revert to its default setting having forgotten all it ever learned about your car and the way it is normally driven...Removing the battery negative can also completely screw up the car alarm and immobiliser system...

Obviously there are times when one should disconnect the battery but nine time out of ten it is completely unnecessary.

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