| The Comments |
Why don't we post jokes, funnies, call em wot you desire ? I'll begin with ...
Divorce !
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."
He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."
"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."
"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me."
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Last Week I threw out WORRYING,
It was getting old and in the way.
It kept me from being me,
I couldn't do things my way.
I threw out those inhibitions,
They were just crowding me out.
Made room for my New Growth,
Got rid of my old dreams and doubts.
I threw out a book on MY PAST
(didn't have time to read it anyway).
Replaced it with New Goals,
Started reading it today.
I threw out childhood toys
(remember how I treasured them so)?
Got me a NEW PHILOSOPHY too,
Threw out the one from long ago.
Bought in some new books too,
Called I CAN, I WILL, and I MUST.
Threw out I might, I think and I ought.
WOW, You should've seen the dust.
I ran across an OLD FRIEND,
Haven't seen him in a while.
I believe his name is GOD,
Yes, I really like His style.
He helped me to do some cleaning
And added some thing's Himself.
Like PRAYER, HOPE and FAITH,
Yes I placed them right on the shelf.
I picked up this special thing
And placed it at the front door.
I FOUND IT - its called PEACE.
Nothing gets me down anymore.
Yes, I've got my house looking nice.
Looks good around the place.
For things like Worry and Trouble
There just isn't any place.
It's good to do a little house cleaning,
Get rid of the old things on the shelf.
It sure makes things brighter,
Maybe you should TRY IT YOURSELF.
~Author Unknown~
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Save a copy till you do
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with
Two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today." The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like
To buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of You. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of Water." "Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, A man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady Said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said. As he gave her the drink, this Time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with Only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, You've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue." 
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12 STEP PROGRAM OF RECOVERY FOR WEB ADDICTS
1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my
newspaper like I used to, before the Web.
2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with
one hand typing.
3) I will get dressed before noon.
4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes,
and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.
5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate
few friends and family that are Web-deprived.
6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact
via the Web.
7) I will read a book...if I still remember how.
8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop
telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music
on the Web.
9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.
10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week,
if it is necessary or not.
11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget
to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.
12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed
sometime ... and the Web will always be there tomorrow!
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| You Know You're Addicted to Internet When... |
You kiss you girlfriend's home page.
Your bookmarks list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
Your eyeglasses have a web site burned into them.
You find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to Google.
You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
You finally do take that vacation, but only after buying a cellular modem and a laptop.
You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap.... and your kid in the overhead compartment.
Your dreams are in HTML.
You find yourself typing "com" after every period when using a word processor.
You turn your computer off and get this awful epmty feeling, like you just pulled the plug of your loved one.
You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.
You start introducing yourself as "Jim at I-I-Net dot net dot au"
Your heart races faster and beats irredgularly each time you see a new WWW site address printed on the TV, even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of the room and realize that your roomates have moved and you don't have any idea when it happened.
You turn up the volume read loud when leaving the room so you can hear if anyone IM's you.
You wife drapes a blond wig over the monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
Looking at a pageful of someone else's links, you notice that you've been to all of them.
Your dog has its own webpage.
You believe nothing looks sexier than a man in boxer shorts illuminated by a 17" LCD Flat-Panel Monitor.
You check your mail. It says "no new messages." So you check it again.
You code your homework in HTML and give your intsructor the URL.
You don't know what sex your three of your closeset friends are, because they have nuetral screennames and you never bothered to ask.
You name your children Google, Friendster and Blogger
You miss more than five meals a week downloading the latest MP3's off Kazaa Lite.
You start looking for hot HTML addresses in public restrooms.
You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back.
Your virtual girlfriend finds a new sweetheart with a larger bandwidth.
You buy a Captain Kirk Chair with a built in keyboard and mouse.
Your wife makes a new rule: "The computer can not come to bed"
The last hottie you picked up was only a jpeg.
You put a pillow case over your laptop so your lover doesn't see it while youre pretending to catch your breath.
You ask a plumber how much it would cost you to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
You forget what year it is.
You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
You ask a doctor to implant a terrabyte in your brain.
Your sweetie says communication is important in a marriage...so you buy another computer and network them together so that you can IM each other anytime.
As your car crashes through the guardrail on a mountain road, your first instinct is to search for the "back" button.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
You start using smileys in your snail mail
You bring a bag lunch to the computer.
You have withdrawals if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours.
You take a speed reading course to keep up with the scrolling.
You type faster than you think.
You double click your TV remote.
You can now type over 70 WPM.
You check your e-mail and forget you have real mail.
You go into withdrawals during dinner.
You rank your friends by the amount of bandwith they have.
You have "Googled" all your friends to try to find out anything interesteing that they are not telling you and you can use against them later.
You message someone via IM when they are less than 20 feet away.
The sound of the keys clicking turns you on.
You have more browsers than friends in the real world.
You actually say I-M-O and A-T-M to real friends rather than 'in my opinion' and 'at the moment'. And they give you strange looks.
You run four chat programs all at once... Yahoo Messenger, ICQ, AIM and MSN
You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name on it.
You say "he he he he" or "heh heh heh" instead of laughing.
You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood shot eyes.
The letters have come off your keyboard from excessive use.
You order pizza online - because you can't be bothered to call.
You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.
You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had your ignore button handy.
You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}} and ** kisses**.
You're on the phone and say BRB.
The last movie you've seen was on your Quicktime player.
You actually get these jokes and pass them on to other friends who are addicted to the internet.
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WICOE
(Women In Charge Of Everything)
are proud to announce the opening of their
EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN !
Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants
The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:
DAY ONE
HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation
TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)
DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.
REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups
LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum
DAY TWO
EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play
HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation
REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did
IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation
LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing
HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques
REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class
GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available |
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*·-..-·*·¤·*¤*·¤·*·-..-·*
Grandma's on the net again, the kitchen's not her home.
She used to make us cherry pies, and call us on the phone
We miss her homemade biscuits, and I'll make this little bet ,
If you want to contact Grandma, you'll have to surf the net.
*·-..-·*·¤·*©*·¤·*·-..-·*
Grandma's surfing on the net, you bet.
We've been calling her all morning, and we haven't got her yet.
If you want to talk to grandma, you'll have to surf the net.
*·-..-·*·¤·*©*·¤·*·-..-·*
She's never surfed at Malibu, or caught a wave at Waikiki,
She's never met a beach-bum--Noon Doggie is just a pup.
But when she heads for her computer, you know the surf is up.
*·-..-·*·¤·*©*·¤·*·-..-·*
Grandma's getting older and her eyes are getting dim
Her random access memory, is half of what its been.
When Saint Peter comes to call someday, She'll say I cant go yet.
He'll have to wait for Grandma, cause she's surfing on the net.
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This is what marriage is about..................
An old man ordered one hamburger, one French fries and one drink.
He unwrapped the hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed
One half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French
fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front
of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down
between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people
around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were
thinking, "that poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table.
He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said
they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite.
She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally took turns sipping
the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
Meal for them. This time the old woman said "No thank you, we are used to
sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the
napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat
a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered ......
"THE TEETH."
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Subject: B & Q JOB APPLICATION
This is an actual job application that a 75-year-old pensioner
submitted to B&Q in Tunbridge Wells.
They hired him because he was so funny.....
NAME:
Kenneth Way (Grumpy Bastard)
SEX:
Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION:
Company's Chief Executive or Managing Director. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying in the first place - would I?
DESIRED SALARY:
£150,000 a year plus share options and a Tony Blair style redundancy package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY:
A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:
My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING:
It was a crap job.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK:
Any.
PREFERRED HOURS:
1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?:
Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?:
If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?:
Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?:
I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?:
I may already be a winner of the Reader's Digest Timeshare Free Holiday Offer, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?:
On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy Swedish supermodel with big boobs and who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread.
Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE?:
7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?:
Oh yes, absolutely.
***Old People Rock!***
This message was last edited by Annie21 on 1/18/2007.
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WHY GOD MADE PETS
They help out around the house......
They protect our children....
They look out for the smaller ones....
They show us how to relax......
They "converse" with each other....
They help you when you're down....
They are great at decorating for the holidays....
They have GREAT expectations....
They are Patriotic....
They are happy to 'test' the water....
They love their 'teddies'.....
They know who's 'boss'.....
AND...They know when we need a good LAUGH !!!!!
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Whow, that's good as I copied & pasted them so, although I could see them, I thought, maybe, you couldn't.
Can we have a totally separate "wotjemacallit" ("oojimaflip") for Jokes etc, please, please, please so it doesn't get buried in chit chat ?
x x x
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Dog's Diary entries
> > 8:00- AM Dog food! My favorite thing! > > 9:30- am A car ride! My favorite thing! > > 9:40- am A walk in the park! My favorite thing! > > 10:30- am Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing! > > 12:00- pm Lunch! My favorite thing! > > 1:00- pm Played in the yard! My favorite thing! > > 3:00- pm Wagged my tail! My favorite thing! > > 5:00- pm Milk bones! My favorite thing! > > 7:00- pm Got to play ball! My favorite thing! > > 8:00- pm Wow! Watched TV with my master! My favorite thing! > > 11:00- pm Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing! > > > Excerpts from a Cat's Daily Diary: > > Day 683 of my captivity: My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the floor. > > Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. The audacity! There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage. > > Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs. > > I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released --and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded! The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. The captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe....... for now....
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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'TWAS THE MONTH AFTER CHRISTMAS >> >>'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house, >>Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse. >> >>The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste, >>At the holiday parties had gone to my waist. >> >>When I got on the scales there arose such a number! >>When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber). >> >>I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared, >>The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared. >> >>The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese, >>And the way I'd never said, "No thank you, please." >> >>As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt, >>And prepared once again to do battle with dirt. >> >>I said to myself, as I only can, >>"You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!" >> >>So--away with the last of the sour cream dip, >>Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip. >> >>Every last bit of food that I like must be banished, >>'Till all the additional ounces have vanished. >> >>I won't have a cookie--not even a lick, >>I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick. >> >>I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie, >>I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry. >> >>I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore, >>But isn't that what January is for? >> >>Unable to giggle, no longer a riot, >>Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet! >> >>
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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YES JAN, we can see the animal pictures we do not have any now its quite sad. But not fair to have any as we will be going backwards and forwards to Spain have to foster Take Care Pat
_______________________
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ESPECIALLY FOR THE GOLFERS AMONG YOU
NON GOLFERS CAN READ IT ALSO
Subject: Parrot
At dawn the telephone rings:
"Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot Died.
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
"Si, Senor,that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die
from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Senor Rod"
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Senor"
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on
fire."
"What the hell??....Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a
candle??!!!
"Yes Senor Rod."
"But there's electricity at the house!!! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Senor Rod."
" WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!"
"Your wife's, Senor Rod...She showed up one night out of the blue and I
thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver.
SILENCE................... LONG SILENCE...............
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep sh*t!"
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Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
**************************************************************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
****************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."
******************************! ******** *************************************************** *************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff"
*****************************************************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
***************************************************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I spea k English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
*******************************************************************************************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
********************************************************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
*******************************************************************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- I was dropping things and didn't land."
****************************************************************************************************** While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:
"Wasn't I married to you once?"
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Subject: Fw: Cinderella -
Cinderella is now 95 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years"?
The fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: "The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold
Cinderella said, "Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother".
The fairy godmother replied "it is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?"
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had."
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.
And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: "You have one more wish; what shall it be?"
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man."
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The fairy godmother said, "Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life. With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered..........
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me."
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Before Computers Memory was something you lost with age An application was for employment A program was a TV show A cursor used profanity A keyboard was a piano
A web was a spider's home
A virus was the flu
A CD was a bank account
A hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And if you had a 3 inch floppy . .
. you just hoped nobody ever found out!
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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide which was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach, "because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach wasbloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.
The moral of the story ......
The arsehole is usually in charge !!!
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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God said, "Adam, I want you to do something for me."
Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?
God said, "Go down into that valley."
Adam said, "What's a valley?"
God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river."
Adam said, "What's a river?"
God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."
Adam said, "What is a hill?"
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"
Adam said, "What's a cave?"
After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."
Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, too.
Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."
Adam said, "How do I do that?"
God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill,
into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"
And Adam said
*
*
*
*
"What's a headache?
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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Subject: Fw: FW: Catholic parrots
----- Original Message -----
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers!
Do you want to have some fun?"
That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed,
Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a
solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I
have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the
cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise
and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase . . in no time."
Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside
their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi,
we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"
There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at
the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!"
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Subject: FW: Senior Moments or C.R.A.F.T. moments as they are now know.
________________________________
Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel,
did you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel
answered, "I have a suppository?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing.
Now I think I know where my hearing aid is."
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice
in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the
papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know
he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity
to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."
********************************************************************************
An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They
were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave
came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and
couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the
promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat.
It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the
bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her
butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
******************************************************
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time....but
I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said
"How soon do you need to know?"
*******************************************
THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.
**************************************************
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Keep this handy on your PC for when you need a stress reliever.
Click on this German Bears and move your mouse cursor across the bears --- you do not have to click mouse button. Amazing how they do this. German ingenuity! |
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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hope I dont offend!!
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for
years.The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit
of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.The noise would wake his
wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because
it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was
perfectly natural.
She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would
blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to blast them out!
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner
and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had
put! the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts
and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs
where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed
covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and
emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting
which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic
footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control
herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After
years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About
twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained
underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her Lip as she
asked him what was the matter, He said, "Honey, you were right." "All
these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife."Well, you always told me that one
day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened"
he said.
"But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got
most of them back in."
_______________________
Jan
www.apartment-on-costadelsol.co.uk
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