I remember when living and working in the US, I could always spot the English tourists - salmon pink faces and socks with sandals, unhappy at the amount of ice in their cokes (until they realised there were free refills), wearing football shirts to dinner,  chips-with-everything, etc - and, horrible snob that I can be, would occasionally be found developing a passable local accent in the hope of avoiding detection.

So, in advance of our move to Spain, I was wondering if there were any obvious examples of what we, as newcomers to the country, should avoid doing? You know, those potentially cringeworthy actions which mark the individual out as a Johnny-come-lately, or even worse, a tourist.

(Ever so slightly tongue-in-cheek...)

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Sorry, but the football shirts play a large part of life in Spain as well.  And there's always the socks with sandals giveaway so try to avoid that.  If you really want to stand out as a Brit ex-pat, go into any big supermarket (Carrefour is the preferred one) and ask the shop assistant where the HP sauce is.  When she can't understand you, just shout louder as all these Johnny Foreigners understand after a bit of shouting.  When you can't find what you want, exit the store muttering loudly about how they should all speak English because you bring so much money into the area.  And to really blend in with the ex-pat criminal fraternity, lots of gold bling and dyed blonde hair (on men, of course) really makes you stand out.  Of course, all this sartorial elegance must be accompanied by a pair of baggy shorts which slip just down ever so slightly when you're loading up the car so the builders bum is in evidence.

During the winter months, a tatty fleece top over your shorts should suffice.  You will look ever so elegant sitting outside the pub in the middle of the day, gripping your glass of Guinness ever so tightly while complaining to all and sundry that they "don't know how to keep a good pint over here" or muttering "anyone know what time Mercadona closes on a Saturday night?"

Of course, it's not only the Brit expats that stand out.  Northern Europeans can be easily spotted by the matching shell-suits sported by married couples.  The gold bling and dyed blonde hair is fairly interchangeable amongst these groups but the purses carried by the men should be a giveaway that they are not pukka gen Brits.  The Brits tend to have shoulder bags instead.

All expats must grip their bags tightly when approached by a swarthy North African shouting "no, no....I've already got a watch/sunglasses/baseball cap/gold chain (delete which appropriate) ".

And don't forget, never make eye contact with one of the Guardia Civil when out for your morning constitutional.  And to really blend in with the local populace, never, ever pick up the doo doos left by your dog!!!!!!

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Cheers, Bob. I was worried folk might not have appreciated the mischievous nature of my post.

[hurries off to purchase his HP Sauce in bulk]

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bobaol

Your post was brilliant!

Your sense of humour is second to none, well done!

You forgot to mention though.....the women that come straight from the pool or beach, still in their bikinis, transparant sarong tied around to "hide" their bulging masses.....................

Do they frequent Tesco's during the UK summer dressed like this too?!!!

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Sorry, but the football shirts play a large part of life in Spain as well.  And there's always the socks with sandals giveaway so try to avoid that.  If you really want to stand out as a Brit ex-pat, go into any big supermarket (Carrefour is the preferred one) and ask the shop assistant where the HP sauce is.  When she can't understand you, just shout louder as all these Johnny Foreigners understand after a bit of shouting.  When you can't find what you want, exit the store muttering loudly about how they should all speak English because you bring so much money into the area.  And to really blend in with the ex-pat criminal fraternity, lots of gold bling and dyed blonde hair (on men, of course) really makes you stand out.  Of course, all this sartorial elegance must be accompanied by a pair of baggy shorts which slip just down ever so slightly when you're loading up the car so the builders bum is in evidence.

Hahahahaha! Brilliant post.  I always say to those who shout, "They're foreign, not deaf!"

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