Spanish Eyes, English Words

I firmly believe that if you move to Spain, or spend a lot of time here, you should learn the language. I started to teach myself and I did pretty well - I'm a good teacher, and it was one-to-one after all. The trouble was, once I could 'get by,' other things took priority. Most people would be happy with getting by, and the first thing I taught myself was to ask for wine, cava, vodka and paella, so I had a handle on the really important stuff.  However, I wanted to banter with the locals at the bar, so I joined a Spanish class.

Alan - the tutor - is English, but you'd never know it from his knowledge of the Spanish language and culture, and his pronunciation. He's missed his calling, because although he's a great teacher, he's also a very funny guy. We seem to spend half the lesson laughing at him or with him, and it seems to help with the absorption of irregular verbs, double negatives and all the other quirks of the language.

Part of the weekly homework consists of a translation which is designed to make full use of the vocabulary and grammar we've picked up, but it bears little relation to life in Spain - or anywhere else, for that matter. This week's masterpiece deals with dogs and cows playing chess, running through the streets with lions and hungry seals. If the demand for Spanish lessons dropped off, and he didn't fancy comedy, Alan could carve a new career for himself as a fantasy writer.

Yesterday, he surpassed himself. Alan always runs through the translation in case there is any new or forgotten vocabulary in there, and he reminded us that the Spanish word for seal is 'la foca.' Cue giggles from a class behaving more like naughty school kids than the expat pensioners most of us are. Sensing the prevalent mood, Alan delivered his masterstroke: 'And if one of the seals is lying on the rocks sunbathing, while the rest of the colony is catching fish for dinner, you might say he's a lazy foca!'