My lady and I went to see the film 'Hitchcock' last night. It was an OK film, nothing special, and the best way I can describe it is that it mildly entertained. Helen Mirren stood out as always. Brilliant actress that one. The film centred on the making of 'Psycho', which was a major sea change for the film industry on nudity and realism.
Funny how film stars hanker after cosmetic surgery. Look at Cher, if she has another facelift she'll be wearing a beard. Liza Minnelli looks like an ancient 13 year old. I asked my wife if she ever considered having anything done. She replied that she didn't need plastic surgery....she needed Lourdes.
It's like tattoes. My Gran used to take my Mum to the circus to see the Fat Lady and the Tattoed Man. Now they're everywhere. Some women think bikinis are immodest. Others have beautiful figures.
Most designers of womens clothes are made by men who don't know women, never had one, and constantly dream of being one. Bit like many hairdressers nowadays. Oh and waiters.
The thing that has been worrying me is the five Muslim women in one family who live near me and wear the burqa. Do they fiddle it and get away with using just one bus pass?
I take my vitamins ever morning without fail. Fail was my first wife. Health is very important, what worries me is that they say we are 98% water. Does that mean that if I drink a large glass of water I'm in danger of drowning? I said to my doctor it hurts when I do this. He replied "Well, don't do it then". I asked him what could I do for a sprained ankle, He said "Limp".
I think doctors are all crooks. You notice that doctors all wear gloves nowadays, they don't do it for medicinal reasons.........fingerprints!
They say that love makes the world go round, maybe so, but whiskey makes it go twice as fast! Whenever anyone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say, I'm thirsty not dirty.
My son has a couple of good remarks to a waiter if the wine isn't to his liking, "I think this wine has been drunk before". Another one he used was "I wonder how they got the cat to sit on this bottle.
I made some homemade wine once, never again. When I drank some of it I lost the use of one side of my face for a week.
One tequila, Two tequila, three tequila, Floor!
The hardest thing for a barman I should imagine, is working out who is drunk and who is just plain stupid.