I love my life in Spain, however there are some things I miss. One of those things being 24 hour Tecscos, shopping in peace at midnight when most of the normal people (and their children) are tucked up in bed. Bliss! However, here in Spain I shop at Mercadona, and always, it seems, when entire 3 generation families decide to have a catch up in the aisles.
Now, I hate food shopping and I approach it with military precision. On a good day I can be in and out in 10 minutes flat but sometimes it feels like I am a contestant in the Krypton Factor obstacle course. I know what I want and I know where it is, but there are some challenges in the way.
The most important thing to remember when attempting a Mercadona Madness shop, is that everything has it's place in the cart. Milk cartons should be stacked at the front end, followed by cans and other heavy items. The rear of the trolley softer, lighter items like bread and yoghurts. (There is a method to this madness which I will explain later.)
So here goes, a run through of my typical weekly shop........
First obstacle is the fish counter. I slalom with my trolley through all the people waiting to be served. Fresh produce aisle, normally quite clear, where I stack my fresh skimmed milk high in a way that would make Dale Winton proud. (Although I would have been disqualified for more than 3 of the same item).
Next is bread section, I lunge for the french sticks over the heads of little old ladies deciding which stick feels the best. Then I race to the cereal aisle snag myself some All Bran, emergency brake as I reach the Manilva coffee morning meeting taking up the cake section of that aisle. Clock is ticking so I make an executive decision and swing the trolley round 180 and nip down the cleaning products aisle grabbing the multi pack kitchen rolls as I speed past.
I make it to the drinks aisle, this always holds me up. I know I want the Heineken 8 pack, but the shelf is above my head and whenever I pull one end if the pack, only 7 are still in the plastic, or 6 or 5. Never the full 8 cans! Why do people do this??? Just buy 8!!!!! Anyway, I finally find one that hasn't been violated and continue on my quest down the crisp aisle. Cheesy puffs, check.
Screeching round the corner I ready myself for the fresh meat section. Another slalom and I'm through with my chicken breasts. I give the pink mince meat a miss and that buys me some time. (I always thought mince meat was brown, but not in Mercadona)
I'm making good time, a bottle of Dove shower gel flys into my cart. Drat, cosmetics next, I am a sucker for them and sometimes I am wooed into stopping for a good few minutes trying out the latest stay-on lipstick. (Which when you are a singer is invaluable if you don't want to be scraping old dried on lipstick off your microphone, it's such a glamorous job, not!)
I whizz through the washing power aisle, past the pasta, home stretch now. Fruit and veg. Yes! Now, I used to buy lots of vegetables but after a few times finding plastic bags of unidentifiable mulch in the bottom draw of my fridge, I came to the conclusion that I am not healthy and never will be and gave up. Cheaper and less nasty. I spend a few seconds trying to get those bloody plastic bags out of the dispenser without ripping them, bag up my fruit, which I do eat before it shrivels and dies, mostly. Run to the weighing machine. Bugger, I don't know the code, run back to the shelf, get the code. Wait for someone else at the machine to realise they have done the same thing and leave the queue, weigh it, grab the sticker, and I'm finished!
Now time for the final hurdle, the checkouts! The Krypton Factor obstacle course complete and time for the puzzle round. This is where my trolley organisation skills come in. In UK supermarkets the conveyer belt is usually pretty long, not so in Spain! This is a challenge anyone who shops alone like me will recognise. How to get all the contents of your trolley onto the conveyer belt before the demon checkout girl from Hell starts bleeping your items through to the packing area like she's on speed? Well people I have the answer! As explained it's all about where you put your items in the trolley. The milk goes first and lines your Mercadona bag for life, then the cans and heavier items line a second bag. The items fly through in the order you will pack them! Simple. Also, always pay by card, that gives you a few extra seconds to pack the remaining items whilst you are waiting for the payment to process and stops the checkout girl from starting off on the next unsuspecting customer and burying your yoghurts under a pile of somebody else's shopping.
Woohoo, 10 minutes flat. Food shopping done for another week. Just enough time to get that jingle out of my head! Mercadona, Mercadona. (You just hummed it, right?) 